Spilled Tea

Emotions

Frustration.

This is all frustrating.
I wish I could come up
with a better word.
All I can seem to
write about is you.
I'm desperately scrambling
to write about something else.
Anything but that,
anything but you.

I have so many questions.

Am I supposed to label you
as some storm?
I did with the ones before you.
You sure felt like beginnings
of one on that Monday night.
The night my mind took
a turn for the worst.
Here I am doing my best
to reverse that.
I can't even seem to write poetry about anything else.
I don't even know
if this is poetry.
Possibly some sort of letter.
Either way,
it's all for you.

Fear.

Terrified isn't a big enough word.
I'm begging for the knowledge
that we'll always stay friends.
Don't leave like
every
single
one
before you.
Please. Please.
Please don't.
You aren't them
and no matter how dramatic
it may seem
I literally pray our friendship
can stay as unscathed
as possible.

Emotions.

Lately it's too hard
to hold your stare for too long.
The emotions are intense.
Hard to understand
and control.
I'm not good at control.
I'm not sure
the exact definitions
of what I'm attempting
to deal with either.

Pain.

One thing I know
is that there are some things
that make some type
of emotion flood
into my chest.
Whatever it is physically hurts.
I hope that helps to explain
the reason the smile
leaves my face sometimes.
Why my shoulders
contract inward
in those moments,
like I'm trying to expand my chest so my lungs can continue to work.
The second thing I know is
that I refuse to let these
little moments
ruin things.
I have to keep myself normal.
I don't want you to see
the insecurities.
I don't want to feel like things won't be normal.
I know they can be,
because I refuse to let our friendship burn because of this.

Thank you.

I appreciate how you still care.
You're so aware and forgiving.
I don't deserve that,
yet you give that to me anyways.
You're even as normal
with me as possible.
As if nothing happened,
and I can't thank you enough because that's all I wish for.

Memories.

Long calls, doodles on worksheets, movie theaters.
These things are all you.
You mentioned a connection.
I think I knew you in a past life.
I'm grateful to get
to know you in both.