You Always Do

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by rynryn25

by rynryn25

I still remember the nights
when what shined
the brightest over everything
at the moment was you.
Those nights were
when I really realized
the type of love that is
all yours from me,
that no one else can ever have.

Is that type of love still there?
I'll always love you,
but I'm not sure
the unusual type of love
I explained could be
handed over to you again.
I'm still very confused,
but you are not
aware of how much.
I'm hoping you don't find out
because you get so frustrated
when those around you
don't understand things
the way you do
in a quick manner.

I'm not sure I can ever look
at you the same way I used to.
I tried for a split second of today
and my eyes burned again.
I don't want my eyes
to burn anymore.
I'm sick of crying.
I know my mother
will not look at you
the same either.
I think she regretted
what she thought before
when I walked in front of her
like a ghost with
a mascara-smeared face.
She had flashbacks
from a year ago,
just as I did.

You didn't treat me like
a ghost in the hours of today.
I'm grateful for that.
We both wish for normality,
but you told me yourself
that things are never
going to be the same.
I hate that phrase.
I don't use hate
very often in a manner
in which I truly mean it.
In this case,
I mean it with every
ounce of my being.
I'm going to try playing
at the normality game.
I know that I want
to find a place in which
we can feel normal together.
I know that I never
want to lose you.
Right now,
our friendship feels
like a freshly hollowed out shell.
Do you feel
the physical pain
like I do?
Oh God,
it feels like sharp nails
raking my lungs.
This is why I cannot
look you in the eyes
at the current moment.
I need some type of healing
because I refuse to allow
this situation to break me
like the other girls' daggers did.

Don't take another stab
at saying this is me
feeling 'hurt' by your words.
The only thing good
coming out of that conversation
is that you were finally
honest to God 'blunt'
with me again.
Although these blunt words
were the sharpest I've ever
heard leave your tongue,
I wouldn't have wanted
you to 'sensor' yourself.
I've always thought
you knew this.
But I am now
second-guessing
everything 'real' between us.
So possibly,
I was wrong about
you knowing that.

Forgive me for
all of my silence.
I believe there isn't
anything more needing
to be said in this moment.
I feel that I am still analyzing
and I can't afford
to let myself speak freely.
You know that
when I get started,
I never can bite my tongue.
Keeping my mouth shut
is the better option.
For all we know,
keeping my lips
closed could fix whatever
about me seems to be
nagging at you.
I'll speak to you
in the easy conversations.
"Things are never
going to be the same?"
Maybe a large part
of this phrase
will be proven
through the intellectual
quality of our
future conversations.

You told me we don't
understand each other.
That maybe we never did.
Your voice didn't feel
the same today.
This may come off as harsh,
but it's so difficult
not to see you as no different
than everyone else now.
You were so unique,
our connection was so unique,
and I just got that torn
away from my soul.
Again, forgive me,
because I still love you.
I found my reason
until I didn't have
that reason anymore,
so please do not ask me
why my care for you
is still so unaffected
and abundant.

What you must remember
is there is an affection
in the old pages of journals,
songs I have suggested,
and words already
written for you,
that is forever yours.
I hope that you take it
and hold onto it,
even if you believe
everything was falsehood.
My feelings were
quite the opposite
of falsehood.

This feels like angry writing.
I think it is a little.
I would call it frustration.
I'm frustrated
because I don't know
what to do,
how to feel,
and because I still
care for you so deeply.

'I hope you understand, you always do.'

"What the hell would I be without you?
Brave face talk so lightly
Hide the truth

'Cause I'm sick of losing soulmates
So where do we begin?
I can finally see you're as fucked up as me
So how do we win?"

-Sick of Losing Soulmates // Dodie