Not A Single Droplet

33

"Steve...?" James asks after an hour when Steve starts to stitch up the cuts he made in James.

"Yeah?" Steve replies. Focussed on thebody below him.

"Did you ...?" James asks but not finishing it, as he notices Steve's widened eyes.

"We'll talk about it later." Steve sighs as he slowly stiches James. He hasn't changed the bateries of the music player, but he's gentle enough that the stitching doesn't hurt James.

"I need to ask something." James says.

"Ask what it is, but depends if you get a reply." Steve sighs.

"Are you a real doctor?" James asks.

"ehm....... no.. not official.." Steve replies as he continues stitching the stomach and chest.

"ouch.." James says suddenly.

Steve looks panickly. "I.. I hurt you?"

"It's okay Steve. No worry." James says.

"I hurt you." Steve seems stressed.

"Steve.. it's okay." James says, thinking and trying to guess what happened in Steve's past that made him so... unstabile.

"sure..?" Steve asks.

"Very sure." James replies calmly.

Steve takes a deep breathe and looks anxious at the needle and nylon thread, he has gotten scared to hurt James.

"Just do it, you're amazing at this." James encourages him.

Steve takes a breathe and starts stitching again. James can feel Steve's fear during the surgery.

"Just breathe." James says.

Steve nods and after ages he finishes stitching. He quickly backs away and hides in the shower cabin.

"Steve.....?" James asks gently.

"Shut up!" Steve shouts.

James sits up and looks down at his boney body as he sees his ribs visible through his skin. He stands up, feeling dizzy... he hasn't done this in a long while.. He walks over to Steve, gets in the cabin and closes it behind him. Both boys.. tucked in a space by 1,5m (4 or 5 feet). James looks down at the curled up boy. Trying to hide himself from his demons.

James sits down onto his knees, carefully placing a hand on Steve's shoulder and gently pulling him close. "What are you scared for?" James asks gently.

"Killing you." Steve whispers as the visuals take him over, squeezing his hands into fists and pushing his head into James bare shoulder.

"You won't kill me. I trust you won't." James says.

"How much percent for sure?" Steve asks quietly.

"98,6%" James replies honestly. "But 100% not on purpose." James cradles him.

Steve nods slightly.

"What happened in your past Steve...?" James asks carefully.

"Murder..." Steve replies whispering.

"Who got murdered?" James asks.

"Ruben's brother." Steve replies.

"Who's Ruben?" James asks carefully.

"The guy that punched me in the eye last." Steve whispers. putting his nails in James' skin out of fear.

"It's okay." James whispers cradling him. "It was the past." James pulls Steve a little closer. cradling and talking to him in a slight hope he'll be okay.

Authors note:

Hey guys... I feel really bad kinda suicidal. I'm addicted to a person.. and since I can't talk to her I go through withdrawal. I know it sounds insane but it happens..

I just want to say... If anyone can help me.. please do.. after 5 years of this shit it's getting too much.. i haven't slept proper for 2 months. or i'm being awake.. or i'm tortured by nightmares and screams terrorizing my silly worthless brain. At every day, in like.. every minute or second i feel this tight feel in my chest like my heart is getting squeezed.. I rarely can breathe... The panic attacks and crying messes with me.. feeling all day tired because this voice in my head and the lack of sleep..
I began to write more since I noticed it distracted me... but my inspiration comes from the readers.. with in fact one person the most...

I feel like going insane. And even my psychologe doesn't really know how to solve this addiction. it isn't a drug or a cigarette.. it's a living human. A human with a mind and an own life that can't hold to the promises. I need her.. i tell her like every day. She's the only one who can break me and at the same time make me happy for longer than 4 minutes..

I do have distractions.. like a half-boyfriend and school.. but the weekends are the worst.. no-one is out there to safe me.. and I fail at saving myself.

I wish to be death just so she wouldn't get anymore hurt by the monster I've become... In the end... nothing matters to me aside her and I don't know how to change my mindsetting. for over a year I've been trying countless of things to stop this dependence on her. to stop needing her... I just don't see another way out than suicide. But i won't. There are people that doesn't want me gone..

but who does even need me? I'm an insane freak. I use my own life and mainly my shitty emotions to create stories. I'm hopeless at being free... I've a few friends who look out for me.. that has come since last year.. before i never had reallife friends. But those friends barely know anything about me because I'm scared that one day they'll tell my parents or anyone about what I go through...

I really hope there is someone who can help me.. I can't handle this pain... it's heartbreake but worse. It's.more than just a broken soul. It's.. i don't even know...

- Elly