trigger warning
eddie
everything hurt.
my head, my heart, my arms.
it was all so, so painful. i wasn't sure how much more i would be able to take.
i wiped at my face with dampened sleeves, shaking my head as if the action itself would rid of any destructive impulses. i wanted richie, i ached for his scrawny arms to wrap around me like they had so many times before. i needed to feel the delicacy of his touch against my skin.
but i couldn't, and that hurt more than anything.
richie probably never wanted to even look at me again after what i did to him, and it was all my fault. i kissed him, and he kissed back. what else was he supposed to do? he felt guilty at the thought of rejecting me, and so he allowed me to have what i wanted and he kissed back.
i wished he hadn't.
i wished he'd have harshly pushed me away, wiping at his lips in disgust as his mud brown eyes blazed with an unfamiliar glint of rage. i wished he'd have began spurting hurtful insults as he towered over me and threatened to injure me with clenched fists and a tightened jaw. faggot, queer, abomination. i wished he'd have then ordered me to leave his house, screaming at me to never come back as spit flew from his mouth due to the bubbling anger that was evident on his reddened face.
maybe then i would be able to hate him, and none of this would hurt as much.
but i didn't hate richie, and deep down i was almost certain that i wouldn't be able to even if i tried. i loved him more than anything, and that's why i needed to stay away from him.
for both our sakes.
he didn't need me, nobody did. it was for the best.
i allowed that thought to take over as i blindly reached for the small silver scissors that had found a home on my bedside table, hidden slyly behind my alarm clock. i shakily lifted my sleeve, wincing as the fabric caught at the dried blood from several hours ago. my eyes scrunched shut as i dug the blade into my wrist. i pushed down harder than i should have, but in that moment, it was the only thing that felt right to do.
i stopped when i realised i could no longer feel it at all.
i was confused, but my confusion soon turned to an unsettling feeling of shock as i realised how much damage i had done. the cut was far worse than i had ever done and far worse than i ever intended to go. the skin of my wrist was split to reveal a white surface beneath, soon being covered by the increasing amount of red that filled the gap. i was unsure of what to do as i simply stared at the vast amount of blood that had built up and was steadily running down my arm. the edge of my sleeve that had been neatly folded around my elbow turned a sickening crimson as i blinked gormlessly, my hand being pulled towards the box of tissues by my bed as i continued to stare at the gaping wound on my arm.
of course, it was at this exact moment, that there was a knock on my window.
in all honesty, it was perfect timing. that is, if this were a dramatic tv romance series that was trying desperately to touch the hearts of its viewers. but it wasn't. this was my reality, and i knew for a fact that richie tozier was not about to swoop in and kiss away my pain.
i froze still, desperately holding on to the possibility of the noise just being a figment of my imagination.
upon hearing another knock, i decided that maybe i lived in some reality tv show after all.
