Trigger warning for a scrawny little boy talking about loneliness
Nothing ruins friendship like school amirite!?
Yes. Sadly, that's just the truth.
I've felt like one of my best friends has been mad at me all day and let me tell you, as someone who fears social rejection like it's the plague this is not fun. She's always kind of been a bit iffy to be honest, has always got annoyed at me a lot and to be fair, I can't blame her. I don't get why anyone would hang out with me. Today was just weird. We were walking to tutor (homeroom) and the hallways at my school are always really crowded in the mornings and in between periods. Consequently, you get pushed around a lot and we all got squashed in a doorway, really freaking tight. When we got through she said to me and my other best friend that we were pushing her. I then told her that it wasn't our fault because there were people on both sides of us pushing us into her (which there were). She replied with: 'holy crap, can you just shut up if you're gonna shout at me!?' I can kind of see why she thought I was shouting because, as I said, the hallways are crowded with teenagers so you can imagine the noise levels; if you don't raise your voice, nobody can hear you at all! I decided to 'be the bigger person' and walk away. Thanks to me having anger management problems, it was probably very rude-looking and boisterous. For the rest of the day she just seemed very, distant? I apologized to her for shouting because, ya boi don't want no drama. This sounds kind of bratty but we're probably close to the top of the popularity rankings so there is a lot of beef with people and stuff. We went to go and talk to another friend at lunch and I asked if we could go and get food because I was hungry (I just had double performance and I was Scar from the lion king, it was tiring don't judge). She told me: "go on then. Nobody's holding you back are they!?" It doesn't sound particularly bad but just the tone of her voice was so.. dismissive and it felt very much like I didn't really fit in with them. I don't think I like being popular. I don't get on with any of the other girls in my year. I don't feel like anybody likes me. I always feel like they wouldn't care or even notice if I stopped hanging out with them. Fuck now I'm crying. I don't have anyone else to eat lunch with or talk to. The rest of lunch was just me kind of being ignored and following them around. One of the girls in my friendship group I adore. She's like Elizabeth Schuyler, literally the sweetest person alive. If I don't hang out with her she won't see me as a best friend and won't talk to me. Nobody will talk to me that I actually like. I won't even be recognized as the girl with no friends! I'll be the kid who used to be popular but got rejected. Which is about 100X worse. I just want to be likeable and happy with the people who like me. Why is this so goddamn hard? I don't know, I just feel so out of place and unincluded- almost like I just don't belong there.
This is probably really messy but I'm sat on my bed crying so excuse the probable grammar mistakes. I'm normally pretty good with my words, I got a grade 8 in my last English assessment (Which is like an A* in old terms) but when I'm in this mental state I just can't be asked. Writing has always been an escape for me so this is just me getting an escape.
