Trigger warning for a skinny white boy talking about his lack of self control and how shit his mental health is when it could be so much worse
I'm such an awful person and I feel so alone. I wish I had my friends back so I could just hug them and spend time with them and they would without even knowing what happened reassure me that it was okay just by being there.
I fucking hate myself I wish I was just a normal teenage boy instead of having to deal with this. Fuck that Pinocchio shit. It's like, what I am is who I'm not and ack it's so confusing. Something you won't understand unless you go through it really.
It's really lame and I feel like an idiot but I really need a friend right now. I have some, but they're not here. I need someone just to be here, I don't want to talk about it. I'm not that kind of guy, I just want someone to hang out with. Someone to sit and chat with, or watch TV, or play video games, or go to Costa with and talk about school and life and parents and being a fucking useless mess who can't control himself and doesn't know when to reel in and stop being an arsehole. Half the time I don't even realize it. I don't know when I go too far and I wish someone would fucking tell me before it's too late. Before I receive a text in the middle of and argument saying that sometimes my idea of casual banter can be a bit much, and it hurts people. I don't want to hurt people. I want to help. I want to give other people what I don't have. I want to be kind and genourous and loving and forgiving and perfect. I want my personality to just be perfect. I don't care about looking perfect. I want to have the most amazing personality and that's all I want. I care if I'm real sad, or real real mad, or real real jealous. I just want everyone else to be happy. I don't want to be sorry that I can't help people when they need it. I don't want to be sorry about doing something I didn't realize I had done. You know the reason I'm not texting this to a friend? Nope, me neither. I feel like these feelings don't matter, I guess. Or that I'm not worthy of others help it's not important enough to be worth other people having to text me that I'll be okay. I'd just look
pathetic in the end.
I also wish I had the courage to come out. Im sorry, I messed up again. That's all thanks bye.
