I've been struggling, pretty damn badly with self harm and depression recently. I'd put a photo in, but I feel like that's a bit much and wouldn't be healthy for some people. It started out as scratching, then I moved onto a blunt sharpener that tore my skin but didn't bleed. However, this week, I lost that sharpener, and found a new one that does make me bleed. Nothing severe, but I have scabs up my arm. Now, I have been talking to a couple friends about it, Imentioned it to Molly and have talked deeply with Jake and Riley about it. Someone in a couple of my classes, without my consent, pulled up the bandage I had to hide it (they weren't bad enough to need it.) I'mbatmandon't ask Here is me talking to Jake about it:
Batman: I have a tubigrip over it and she legit just pulled it up, as if that's not invasive at all Batman: I dunno why anyone would do that, it's none of her business Jake: What the fuck Jake: Personal bubble Jake: Don't pop it please Batman: I know right, it's just so wrong. She's done it before, before I'd ever done anything bad and she just pulled up my blazer sleeve to check. Jake: What the hell Jake: That's so bad Batman: I appreciate the concern and everything, but there's a line and that crosses it Jake: Its better to ask than check yourself Batman: If you're worried, just fucking ask, don't pull up my sleeve, when we're around so many people as well, we were in a drama lesson Jake: That's so disrespectful Batman: Like, why on earth would it be a good idea? Jake: Have no clue
I'm going to see him tomorrow yayyy Anyway, what the fuck amirite? Besides the point, I have been in a bad place. I feel so empty and I got really anxious and sad from a tiny trigger whilst we watched Nelson Mandela and there was a scene where he pushed his wife. This was second period, and the jittery feeling lasted up until fifth period, after I'd spent my lunch singing and playing ukulele by myself. After that, I just felt angry and depressed and kept shouting at everyone- I'm not a nice person sometimes. Anyway, I was close to crying nearly all day.
[11:11AM- Ten minutes after break started] Batman: Just started crying in re and nobody noticed. There was a scene where this woman's husband hit her and called her stupid and fuck i just got really anxious Batman: And I can't find jamie anywhere because I forgot to meet her and she sounded angry in the texts now she's not answering me and I don't know if she's seen it or not but she probably has and she's just mad at me because I yelled at her the other day for forgetting Batman: Sorry I'm venting Batman: And skye moved across the classroom so she didn't have to sit with me Batman: School is only going to get worse.
I'm a fucking mess. Little things like this trigger me, I wrote this on my arm in geography, period 4, when my depression really kicked in and everything felt very overwhelming and argh it was not fun.
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From next Monday onwards, I'm gonna be doing the #CUTCAKE thing, if you don't know what it is, Google it or search it up and watch Luke Cutforth's video on YouTube called, 'Dear people who are self harming' or something like that. Good luck, and thanks for being so supportive.
