I've been taken

Have to make it

I cough and Sob out muttered words as I run through the weeds. It's hard though, since they keep stabbing at me as I charge through them, stumbling everywhere. I'm bruised. Not just on the outside, but inside too. How could he do this to me. I thought.. I thought. Fuck! I thought It was fine. I thought, it was fine. And look what happened. Hot, angry tears run down my face as I throw myself through the thick weeds, each one cutting me in a new place.

Is this what it's like to feel helpless inside? To feel so lost, you just want to hurt yourself in the most permanent way ever. A way that you won't be able to take back. I sob harder as My chest prickles with pain. It hurts to think. To think about it. I couldn't satisfy him. Either way. Im better off Anywhere but there anyway. I chant that in my head. It's better here than there, it's better this way then that. Here than there, this than that. I prick my palm shoving through a weed. 

I missed him so damn much when I left.

I Whimper as My chest pounds.

And then he jumps into my life so suddenly, making me feel pain and happiness all in once.

My foot jerks under me but I keep running as fast as my body will let me.

Then He kills my mother.

I gasp, more tears falling.

Then he tells me after. After I gave myself to him, after I promised myself to him. after I gave every damn thing to him! 

Everything's gone cold and hard. My broken Trust, my broken emotions... I close my eyes. Don't admit it. Don't. It'll make you weaker than you are and You can't afford to get any weaker. But A sob rises and I scream.

My heart. My damn heart is broken. I trip over a twig and tumble into the soggy mud. I toss over onto my back, letting the rain pour over me, Soak me. I hope it washes away the past too, but sadly rain can't do that. Time will have too. And I don't even believe in time anymore. Fuck time. Time doesn't help shit. People always say that. Why ? Because They don't have anything else to say to those like me. Those less fortunate than others who are happily inlove or some shit where their ending is 'Happily ever after' But I don't believe in that shit. Who does. To me, there is no happily ever after. No good ending, No nothing. I don't even have good memories to cherish either. Even if someone doesn't have a happily ever after they always say.. 'Well, I always have the beautiful memories.' I can't even say that now. Where are those memories now? Huh? Where are those good memories that I can hold onto. Their nowhere. because I have none. Because My life is fucked. Entirely.

I close my eyes And Rub my hands into the ground, feeling the earth beneath me. Letting mud slip through my fingers I lie there, hoping the tears are done and that the wet things falling from my cheeks are just the raindrops now. Thunder roars over and lightning flashes across the sky, lighting up the dark purple swirl that I'm staring at. I wish it would swallow me up. I wish it would swallow me whole, leaving behind all the memories, the pain. I want it to go away. I want the fog that comes out of my mouth when I breathe to suddenly stop. To disappear for a long time. Until My eyes close and The noise fades away off into the distance. Wouldn't that be beautiful. Wouldn't that be Lovely, For my body to grow limp and for my lips to part, letting out my last breathe as my skin grows pail under the cold, caring rain. At least I have this. This moment. It's so Wonderful.. I feel graceful. I feel at peace as the rain pours over me, the noise more faded as my mind wonders.

I just want to lie here, and Look at the world. But I feel .. that something is missing. I feel a gap. A space that needs to be filled. A piece that needs to be put back in it's place. I won't think of it. But it picks at me. I whimper and Choke on my tears until Finally I break down, screaming at the sky. Screaming.. At nothing in particular. I'm just screaming. I feel so lost. I smash my head in my hands and clench my teeth, hitting myself again and again. Finally I think, 'Fuck it.'

I stumble up to my feet, Gaining my balance as I stare back from where I came from. The weeds are just below my nose, So I can see. I can see it, the path back to where I feel the gap is missing. Where I think the gap is now resting. I swipe the back of my hand against my lip and Look down at my chest that rises and falls rapidly. Tears blur my vision. I'm so weak, I need to stop.

I look out past the house, towards the trees. Somethings wrong here. Actually, there was always something wrong here. But now I'm noticing it, I'm figuring it out. This is just one big fucking puzzle piece. A puzzle piece that's been lost. You know those puzzles you buy.. and a week later you find that you want to try and solve the puzzle, so you do. But then you see later on that you've lost one of the pieces.. and it's mostly gone forever because It was swept up with all the other garbage. This is what this is.

It's a puzzle piece that has fallen in the wrong direction, a broken piece. A fucked up deformed runt. Just like a litter of kittens. You always have that one cat.. That one little kitten that never gets anything, that's always pushed away because it can't fight back. Because it isn't strong enough to defend itself. And then it ends up dying, slowly at first and then just so suddenly it plops down against the ground, looking up at it's mother who couldn't give a fuck. Then It's glossy eyes roll in the back of it's head as it falls on it's back, it's little arms twitching and It's breathing slowing, calming. It's chest no longer expanding. His feet growing stiff and It's small, frail arms falling next to him as His body curls up in a position so calm, you'd think it was sleeping. But of course it's not. It couldn't help but do anything but that. Everyone pushed him away, everyone pitied him but didn't care one little bit that he didn't get his fair share of life. His fair dose of reality that would help him see, Just help him see...

Then my stomach churns, and I realize, that I'm talking about the one person who is just as the little runt in a litter inside, as out. My best friend. Ryan. And that is why he's pushing everything away, expecting from life but not expecting in giving anything in return. He's been pushed away his whole life... He made it through this far but.. If he keeps pushing things away as he was pushed away, life is going to throw it all back at him. And I think life used me as one of those things. Did it push him over edge? I don't know. But I'm not gonna stand here and wait to see it on the news.  I should Have knew.. He was never loved.

He has never been loved and when we were friends, he held onto me so tight, because he didn't want to lose me. I was the only one in his life. His mother died, and even before that she didn't give a fuck about him. His father was always at work.. and when he did have time for him he'd push him away, and go on dates with whores who would call him names. Ryan was never loved. He was a runt. He looked at me for love and compassion and he took me here when he needed me most. I finally gave in and gave him what he's wanted but he was scared. He was so scared. He didn't know how to handle me. So he did what he had to and he pushed me away by saying he didn't love me, Like I do him. And It worked. I left, and he's hurting now, I know it. And He's going to make a big mistake. I can't let that happen. I can't. 

I swallow my guts and push the sturdy weeds aside, running towards that little runt that needs as much help as I thought I needed. But now I know. Now I know he needs it more than I. I just have to make it to him.

I just have, to make it. 

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