What Others Don't Know- Phanfic

CAHPTER EIGHT

^okay but I am IN LOVE WITH THAT^
Dan's POV:

I was in a trance, focused on the worksheet in front of me on the chilled wooden desk. I snapped out of it when I heard someone else packing up their things, and another, and another. I looked up at the clock that hung directly above the classroom's door. 7:21. Two minutes until the bell rings. I picked my things up and looked around the class, deciding to stare at the empty desk in front of me, thinking about the song I'd listened to on the way to school this morning, deciphering it's lyrics.
Over the chatter, I heard someone speaking louder than everyone else. I looked up to see Phil talking to a girl. She had shoulder-length chocolate brown curls. It looked as if there was an invisible tube going through them, making them that shape. She had a pale completion and was wearing a off-white long-sleeved shirt. She wore a violet, knit infinity scarf around her neck and distressed blue jeans. On her feet she had those boots. What were they called? Ug boots?
She looked pissed at Phil. I listened into her thoughts, immediately wishing I hadn't. She was thinking about them... together. I rolled my eyes and tried to tune her thoughts out. I looked over at them, thinking again about how I can't hear his. Suddenly her hand was raising into the air, swinging down and making contact with Phil's face. There was a sharp snap noise rushed violently through the classroom air when her hand made contact. I cringed and looked down, thinking Damn that must've hurt.
When I looked back up, Phil was reaching his hand out, his seat tipping backwards. He was sitting sideways in it though, so his entire desk was tipping to the side. It was about to crash into the next desk along with Phil. Tyler reached his hands out for Dan.
"Tyler. Tyler I'm sorry." I thought, putting my fingers into my hair and pulling as hard as I could The boy sitting next to me looked at me funny, thinking Who's Tyler?
You fucking idiot, you said that out loud!
Shit. Shit. Shit. I thought, ignoring the bad thoughts. My mind was getting flooded with Tyler, with his last day. My ears drumming up the noise of the snap, making all the noise stop. My throat remembering the stinging pain I felt from the screaming and sobbing. I grabbed my books in my shaking arms and ran out of the classroom, completely ignoring the stares I collected and Mr. Joan calling out to me. "Dan! Dan the bell hasn't rang yet! Come back here!"
    I sprinted to the bathroom, feeling the panic flood in.
It's okay, Dan! I know it's difficult, I had to go through the same thing. Just breathe. Tyler's voice was haunting me. All the thoughts that I had blocked out.
    The way Phils hand grasped out... so similar. It triggered me, breaking the dam I had built to cease the flow of traumatic memories.
    I reached the bathroom, barging into the dimly lit room. Thank god it was empty. I threw my books on the floor and ran into the stall I had earlier. Hyperventilating now, I collapsed to the floor, dizzy from lack of oxygen. The door opened, I didn't care. For Christ sake I could barely breathe. Black spots were clouding my vision.
    "Hello? Is someone in there?" The voice sounded distant, like I was under water. My hands still in my hair. There was a hard knock on the stall door. "Hey, are you all right? Open up." I crawled over, stood on my knees and unlatched it, looking up. Great. I thought. It was Pj.
    "Oh, it's just you." His voice sounded disgusted. "Why are you freaking out? Did you hear what Phil really thinks about you? He's just like me. You're a freak of nature."
    "I know"I whispered. He crouched down, looking at me and breathing heavily. I continued to gasp for breath, desperate for air.
    "Stay away from Phil. Got it? He has a normal life and doesn't need a freak like you messing it up for him. You don't talk to him anymore, ever, or I'll make you wish you hadn't." I didn't bother listening to his thoughts, I knew he was telling the truth. He wasn't afraid to tell how he felt.
    I didn't realize he had been holding onto my shirt collar. After he finished talking, he threw me backwards and walked out just as the bell rang. My head hit the cold tiled floor, my sun glasses flying off. I cried and cried.
    I pushed myself up onto my hands and knees, crawling to the toilet and retching. I've never done this before, I knew some people did when they had bad enough attacks, but I never had. I wiped my mouth and collapsed back onto the floor, continuing to cry.
    "I wish I didn't exist." I whispered to myself, over and over and over again. I heard the door open and froze, still gasping for air though. "Dan...? Dan are you in here?" It was Phil. My breathing picked up. No. He needs to leave me alone. Someone else has already seen me like this, I don't need another.
    I held my breath, trying to stop hyperventilating. It didn't work. I continued on with it, attempting to push myself off the cold hard tiled floor where Pj had left me. I held onto the wall so I wouldn't fall over, unlatching the door. I walked out of my stall, looking up at Phil. He looked horrified.
    "Dan? What's wrong? Why did you run out of the class?" He sounded freaked out. I doubt he's ever seen a panic attack before, let alone one this bad. 
    "An-xi-e-ty" I heaved our each syllable with each breath. "A-A-Ata-" I couldn't get my words out. He nodded, gesturing for me to sit down against the wall with him.
    "Yeah. Attack, I got it Dan. Just take deep breaths, focus on my voice." I leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down, my breathing beet tuning to go back to normal as I calmed down.
    "So, do you get attacks a lot?" I shrugged my shoulders in response. He simply nodded, clearly thinking should calm down first. I didn't need to read his mind to know that. After a minute or two, my breathing was really beginning to slow down. "Uh, so what triggered it..?" He asked curiously. I turned to him, starting to hyperventilate all over again. I could feel my eyes going wide, shaking my head so quickly it made my head hurt.
    "Hey, hey, Dan just breathe. I'm sorry, just think happy thoughts, okay?" He put his hands on my shoulders. Think happy thoughts? It doesn't work like that!
Stay away from Phil. Got it? He has a normal life and doesn't need a freak like you messing it up for him. You don't talk to him anymore, ever, or I'll make you wish you hadn't. Pj's words came back to me again. I looked Phil in the eye, shaking my head slowly but still barely breathing. Tears were pouring down my face as fast as the memories poured into my mind. I pushed myself up, grasping the wall and running out into the hallway. I left my books on the floor. I passed the science room and saw Mr. Joan looking as I sprinted passed. I ignored his thoughts.
    "Dan! Dan!" Phil was coming after me. I began to run to the elevator, knowing I was much to weak to take the steps. I didn't hear the pounding of his feet on the glossy hallway floor anymore, although I could've just been mixing that up with the pounding in my head. He could still be following me, I wouldn't know. My senses were fuzzy.
    I reached the elevator. My hands were shaking so much I couldn't even press the button. There was no sense of touch on my finger tips, so I couldn't feel the button. My eyes were drenched in tears along with the rest of my face, so I couldn't see the button. Come on, come ON! I thought. I finally got it. Yes!
    I ran inside, messily pushing the 1 on the control panel. I saw Phil rounding the corner of the hallway, turning towards the elevator. Just as he walked up to it the doors closed and he was left standing there in the 3rd floor hallway. I collapsed again, trying to calm down. I thought of how I was going to get out, which one of the exit doors I should use. I decided to use the ones by the lunch room. Nobody would be in the cafeteria to stop me since 1st hour had only just ended.
    The elevator doors opened, just like the flood gates had in my mind letting the memories flow. I got up, sprinting to the doors. I shoved them open, not noticing the red sticker on its handle. An alarm blared through the air. Shit, that was the fire exit. I set off the alarm.
    On my first day here the small, petite, blond woman had told me which doors were used by which areas of the school during fire drills. So, I knew for a fact that nobody would be coming out of this one. I sank down next to it. There were large brick walls behind me, to the right of me, and to the left of me creating and alley-lie area, only it was much wider. When everyone came out nobody would see me. Since I had to hide here until everybody went in anyways, I decided to take this time to steady my breathing.
    Everyone would assume it's a drill as they usually do. Everyone, except the principle, vice principle, and anyone else who knew when the drills were scheduled. I steadied my breathing after about ten minutes, I could hear the chatter of the students who thought it was a drill and were just glad to get to miss class time. After time went on and there was no announcement to come back inside, the students grew more and more quiet. I was calm and quiet now. I had taken my phone out of my pocket and unwrapped my earbuds. I was listening to my "Classical/Instrumental" playlist to help calm my nerves, considering I was still taping my foot and shaking.
    I realized I might be here for a while because the staff knew it wasn't a drill and they had to check every inch of the three story building plus the basement. I let out a sigh, opening my phone. There were people outside of this large alley like space on both sides, so I was here as long as they were.
    Due to the small amounts of food I intake and the walls blocking the sun, I was relatively cold. My shirt was a thin material so I put my arms inside of it.
    I scrolled around on my home screen. I decided I might as well do something so I opened YouTube. I clicked on the white bar at the top of the screen, typing "Button Poetry" into the space. I clicked on the account that had shown after I pressed search. I decided to watch the video I had a million times "Sabrina Benaim - Explaining My Depression To My Mother"" I had listened to it so many times I'd memorized it.
    I loved poetry, writing in general in fact. It was like an escape. I closed my eyes and put my head backwards against the brick wall.
    "Explaining my depression to my mother, a conversation: 'Mom, my depression is a shape shifter. One day it as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next, it's the bear! On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone. I call the bad days the dark days.' Mom says 'Try lighting candles.' 'When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame, sparks of a memory younger than noon. I am standing beside her open casket. It is the moment I learn everyone I ever come to know will some day die. Besides mom, I'm not afraid of the dark. Perhaps that's part of the problem.' Mom says "Where did anxiety come from?' Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party. Mom, I am the party. Only, I'm a party I don't want to be at!" (A/N: See full video on YouTube https://youtu.be/aqu4ezLQEUA )
    I mouthed the words as each one flowed to my ears. I could recite this from memory if I wanted too. The brown haired woman continued to tell her poem, and I listened. I listened to every word that left her lips. I listened to the way her voice changed. I opened my eyes, looking at the screen. I observed her body language, relating to her in every way possible.
    The video finished and I took out my earbuds, looking up from my phone. The chatter had stopped, I think everyone went inside. I was surprised I hadn't heard the announcement. I stood up, brushing off my pants. I put on my "Twenty Øne Piløts" playlist and started to walk home.

    A/N: Hello again. I'm trying to post as much as possible. All though, today is the last day of Thanksgiving break for me so I have school tomorrow. That means I won't have as much free time so I won't be able to write as much.
    By the way, the YouTube channel "Button Poetry" is honestly AMAZING. They have a Instagram to. It's just @ButtonPoetry. You should really go check them out. I honestly did memorize that one poem because I love it so much. I typed that little bit of the video from memory. It's also from a book written by Sabrina Benaim called "Depression and Other Magic Tricks." Thats it for now, bye❤️