What Others Don't Know- Phanfic

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

^That song doesn't relate to the chapter or anything my friend just showed it to me and I EFFING LOVE IT😂❤️😊😱😭🏳️‍🌈^
Dans POV:

    Phil grabbed my arm and wheeled me around, and started walking down the pavement. "What are we d-doing Phil?" I said, not even caring about my stutter in my state of extreme confusion.
    "We're going to the park." He said this as if it was completely normal and casual thing to do. I looked at him, still confused. "Yes, Dan. We're skipping school." He said, rolling his eyes.
    "But won't we get in trouble?" I asked, still a bit confused as to why we were skipping. He rolled his eyes again.
    "Who cares?" He said, smiling at me, his tongue poking out at the sides. I liked the way he looked when laughed, the way his tongue poked out at the side. "Just chill, Dan. It's Friday!" He said cheerfully.
    "Why are we skipping?" I asked again, my confusion slipping away as I became more excited that I didn't have school rather than worried about my parents reactions.
   "Why not?" He said, his smile fading. "Now, back on topic. The reason I knew. Well, I came over to your house Monday night because my mums wanted me to bring a plate of brownies. I guess it was to welcome you to the neighborhood or something." I felt my facial expression change, probably making me look horror-stricken.
    "But- That was the night I..." I broke off, becoming swallowed in my thoughts. I'm a fucking idiot!
    "Yeah. I know. I knocked on the door and you answered but you were holding a bottle of vodka in your hand and—" He broke off, as if debating whether or not to leave out a detail.
    "It's fine Phil, just tell me." I said, really wanting to know what happened. "Just tell me what happened. Don't be afraid to say things I might not like. Tell me everything."
    "You looked like you had been crying. A lot. I asked you why and you had shrugged and started to fall. I caught you and brought you over to the couch and took the vodka. I dumped it down the sink. When I did that I thought I heard you, er, sob from the living room. I threw it out and then went back into the living room. When I asked you where your parents were you said your mum was at work and you didn't know where your dad was. I helped you walk up to your room, drew the curtains. and put you into your bed. I asked you why you'd been drinking and crying. You said it was family issues and I figured I should've just left it at that. You said thank you and then passed out and I left..." I just looked at the ground as we walked. We had reached the park now and we're heading towards the swings.
I felt a lump in my throat... Don't cry. Don't cry. I thought. People aren't supposed to see me like that. Nobody is supposed to know I'm sad. About my emptiness.
I felt as though he was leaving something out. I looked up st him. "Is there anything else? You're leaving something out." I pressed on. He looked at me, again saying I thought you couldn't read mind, except not actually saying it. He just looked like he was thinking it. "I'm good at reading people."
"There's something I haven't told you... I haven't told anyone." I looked at him, expecting something like I've got severe anxiety or I never actually slept with all those girls. "Icanreadwhatpeoplearefeeling."
"What?!" I said, shocked. He said it all very quickly, almost to the point that I couldn't understand what he said. That's what I told myself, I had misheard him...
"I can read what people are feeling." He repeated with a deep breath this time, clearly trying to calm down.
"That's not funny. Don't joke like that with me." I said, turning and starting to walk away.
"I'm not joking!" He began to speak louder after me due to the distance. "I'm- I'm serious." His voice was shaking.
I turned around slowly. "Who else knows?" I asked. He took another deep breath and so did I.
"Like I said, no one. Nobody knows. I've never told anyone because I was scared of what would happen. That's why I've defended you from Pj and the other day in class-" I looked at him, confused.
"The other day in class?" I asked. What was he on about? He shook his head as if saying it's not a big deal.
"The other day in class when Chris was being an asshole I told him to F off but quiet so Mr. Joan wouldn't hear me and I guess you couldn't either. Anyways, the reason is because you're the only person I can relate to. I'm normally a total asshole to everyone but not to you because I know what it's like to feel different. I don't know what it's like to be poked and prodded my whole life because I was scared to tell anyone. My mums don't even know." He said, we were both looking a bit shaken.
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked in the quick manner we had both been speaking in the whole time.
"Because it's apart of the story and you said you wanted all of it. I stopped outside your door and tuned into what you were feeling. You were empty. Numb. You felt lost and alone. I know it's not just family problems. It's more than that." He said in a meaningful voice. "Besides, I've had this on my chest my whole life I had the chance to tell someone who would understand so I took it."
I took a sharp in take in breath at this's if I was punched in the stomach. "No. No one is supposed to know. No one can know what I feel... my parents can't know. No..." I thought. I saw Phil's facial expression and realized I'd said it out loud. "Shit!" I could feel the lump in my throat growing.
"I'm sorry." He said to me. I felt the burn of tears on my face and quickly wiped them away, not wanting him to see and further my embarrassment and anger with myself. I sank down onto my knees and let out a sob. I was thankful it was early morning and nobody was at the swing set in the park to see this.
Phil walked over to me and sat down next to me. Suddenly he wrapped his arms around me and jumped at this. But then sinking into him, I felt safer.
"Thank you." I whispered. I cried for a while and felt a few tears from him drop onto my own shoulder. After what felt like forever, I wiped my eyes and took deep breaths.
"1... 2... 3... 4... 5..." I breathed in, whispering the numbers. "7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..." I let the air out of my lungs, whispering the countdown again.
"Are you okay?" He asked, sitting up with his hand on my shoulder. I nodded a bit, wiping my eyes. "Are you sure?" He asked, tilting his head.
I shook my head. "No." I whispered shaking my head as a few more tears rained their way down from my eyes. After a long while I calmed down a bit and he helped me up. I was a bit dizzy because of the shaky breathing I had and lack of oxygen. He held my forearm as I sat on the swing.
I winced as I stumbled, which applied pressure onto my wrist. I had marked it up the previous night with a safety pin. He looked at me. "Dan?" I didn't respond, but instead looked at the ground. "Dan, can I see your wrist?" He asked timidly.
Without taking my eyes away from the blade of grass I'd been focusing on, I took my left hand and rolled up my right sleeve.
His mouth fell open as his eyes landed on my arm. I had marked it up bad with the safety pin. The marks went from my just under the top side of my elbow to the end of my wrist. "Oh, Dan..." he whispered. I pulled my sleeve back down quickly. A bit to quickly. My sleeve scratched the marks and I winced again.
"I have severe depression, anxiety, and a possible eating disorder. I take out my feelings o-on my w-wrist and drink them away as well. My parents know almost nothing because they're oblivious and don't give a sh-shit about me. They know about the anxiety, I've had it since fifth grade. I could control it for a bit but then I spiraled... after... after..." I sobbed at each word, trying to get it out. "after h-him. After Tyler." I sank off the swing onto my knees on the chilled and slightly muddy dirt. It was the first time I had intentionally said his name since it had happened.
Phil came over to me as I continued to sob uncontrollably. He wrapped his arms around me in an unnatural way but I don't think either of us cared. His facial expression looked as though he thought Tyler was an ex-boyfriend or something.
"What happened?" He asked in a calm, quiet voice after I tried to calm down again. "Who, who is Ty-" he began again.
"Please don't say his name!" I said, breathing quickly. "That's the first time I've said it in six years." Phil's facial expression changed, realizing it most likely wasn't an ex because nobody was that invested in their relationship at the age of 9 and 10.
    "So, who is he? What happened that made you feel this horrible?" He asked, his voice still quiet and attempting to be calm.
    I told him the story. I told him everything that had happened since we had gone in for dinner that night. I told him every detail because I had remembered it so distinctively. I hadn't been diagnosed or anything, but I'm pretty sure that it traumatized me or something if I still remember it so distinctly. Once I had calmed down we had moved back into the swings again.
    "Oh, oh Dan. I'm so sorry." He said in a rushed voice after I explained it for maybe thirty or forty minutes. It had taken a long time because I kept hyperventilating and getting into sobbing fits. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. That you've got to deal with that."
    I simply shrugged in response. "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault but my own." I said in a numb voice, staring at the ground. I heard a gasp noise come from Phil.
    "Dan! It is not your fault! It isn't anybody's fault!" He said standing up from his swing and going in front of mine, grabbing my hands. He, clearly trying to be careful not to touch my wrists, pulled me up and wrapped his arms around me in the tightest way he had since we had gotten here. I hugged him back to, feeling safe and warm. I was glad he knew that I felt safe and warm with him.
    "I'm glad you feel that way, Dan." He said, pulling away and holding my shoulders at arms length after a few moments. I smiled back at him at these words. "Dan!!!" He almost shouted. I jumped. "Sorry." He mumbled quickly but brushed it aside, a huge smile dawning on his face.
    "What?" I said, still feeling a smile on my face and red in my cheeks. He looked at me, his eyes wide.
    "I made you smile! I made Dan Howell smile!!! I MADE DANIEL JAMES EFFING HOWEL SMILE, BITCHES!" He screamed standing up. I started laughing and put my hand over my mouth. I realized it was a real smile, the first real smile I had in years.
    "I'm getting bored. We need to leave this depressing ass park." I said a few minutes later and wiping my eyes, beginning to feel much better.
    "This park is where history was made!" He said defiantly, trying to sound serious and holding back laughter. "I made you laugh!"
    "Okay, I'll admit that's the first time I've felt okay in a really long time... thanks." I said, smiling up at him. "Want to go to my house?" I asked, gesturing in the direction of my house.
    "What are you on about? What about your parents?" He asked, looking at me as if was insane.
    "Quit looking at my the way normal people look at Sherlock Homles!"I said laughing. "My parents aren't home. They won't be for a while."
    "You watch Sherlock?!? It's so amazing to find another fandom member!" He said, putting his arms out and swinging around as if he was completely elated by this fact. I laughed again.
    "Oh yeah. I'm into all that's stuff. Twentyøne Piløts, Panic! At The Disco, Melanie Martinez, Sherlock, Supernatural, Harry Potter, and even Shane Dawson. I love conspiracy theories. Although I also like classical music, not just emo-punk-rock-pop-stuff."
    Phil's mouth was open in amazement. "Oh. My. God. This is awesome!! Nobody understands all my nerdy references but now you will!" He said, smiling broadly all the way.
    We reached the pavement and started walked towards my house. It was roughly seven blocks since it was six to the school and one from there to the park.
    "So, have you skipped school before? Like, a lot?" I asked, trying to search for small  talk. "Ugh, I'm so awkward." I said my thoughts aloud, intentionally this time.
    "It's fine." He said laughing me and nudging me with his elbow. "I've never really skipped before this. There hasn't really been a need to."
    "And you thought this was important enough to skip school?" I asked. I was really thinking you thought I was important enough to skip school but I didn't dare say that.
    "I mean, I know we just met a week ago but yeah. I thought this was really important." At this I looked up from the ground and another smile grew on my face.

A/N: Hello frens I'm so happy that people are actually reading this. Don't really have much to say I guess. The plots going to be picking up soon. Thanks for reading What Other Don't Know. You've made it another day so stay alive lovelies❤️|-/

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