Olivia's Story

Chapter 24

I'm two and a half months as of today.

I've been feeling depressed lately and I don't know why but I do know that it's not good for the baby. I don't know what to do about it though. I want to handle this on my own. I know I can. I just don't know how yet.

The urges to hurt myself are back again. Well they used to come and go but now cutting is all I think about. I barely go in the kitchen and I don't use knives, not even butter knives. I don't trust myself with them anymore. I don't have a pencil sharpener or anything like that. So there's really nothing I can use unless I start burning myself or picking at my skin.

I'm home all by myself and I'm scared that I might do something stupid. My daddy, Nia, and Trever is at work. I would be at work but I got fired.

I'm just sitting here in my room thinking.

Flashback

While I was doing my work at my desk my door opened. What the hell? My momma and Marcus is at work. I quickly turned around. It's Marcus. What is he doing home early? Why didn't he knock on my door?

He just looked at me. "What?", I asked. He didn't say anything. He walked in my room and closed the door. After he closed the door he unbuttoned his pants. I stood up. "W-what are you doing?"

"You're really pretty Olivia.", he said slowly walking to me. I started walking backwards.

God please don't let him do this. Not me. I already been through hell with Adam. Please don't let this happen.

I backed into my dresser and he kept walking to me. I don't have anywhere to go.

I don't know what to do.

Before I knew it he was right in front of me.

He put his hand up my shirt and started massaging my brest, I froze.

End of flashback

I ran to the bathroom and threw up as tears ran down my face.

After I threw up I went downstairs to the kitchen. I walked to the counter and slowly grabbed a knife.

Do it. You need to do it. You want to so bad.

Don't do it. You came so far. It's going to be okay.

Olivia do it! Do it! Do it now!

I pushed the knife down on my wrist and quickly dragged it across. I repeated the same thing all over my arm quickly. I went to my next arm next and did the same thing quickly. I cut my thighs through my pants quickly next.

I dropped the knife.

What have I done?

I dropped to the floor and cried.

Why am I so weak? I could've fought Adam, I could've fought Marcus. I could've stopped them from hurting me but I didn't. It's all my fault.

Why did I do this to myself? What type of mother does this?

I'm a horrible person.

I heard the alarm sound saying somebody opened the door.

I can't let them see me like this. I messed up. I'm so stupid and weak! I hate myself.

I got up and started running to the stairs as I cried. I ran into somebody as I ran almost falling, they caught me. It's Trever. "Baby what's wrong? What happened? Why did you do this?", he asked.

"I'm sorry.", I cried. "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking stupid and weak!", I yelled pulling my hair.

"Baby stop.", he said trying to stop me. I wouldn't let my hair go. "Olivia stop!", he yelled stopping me. He hugged me tight and rubbed my back as I cried. "You're not stupid or weak baby. You been through a lot and you're still dealing with it. It's hard.", he said. I hugged him tightly and cried into his chest.

"They just won't go away! What they did to me won't go away!", I cried.

"I know baby, I know. We gotta get you some help."

...

I'm at the hospital with everybody that live at the house. I wouldn't stop bleeding. I had to get stitches. I lied about being depressed and stuff. I really don't wanna go to the hospital again.

They're putting me in this program for kids like me. I'll learn how to manage these things better and learn other things to do besides cutting.

We're about to leave now. I feel really bad about what I did. I've been clean for months.

...

I'm laying on Trever's chest in my bed holding his hand. "Baby what's been going on? I know you didn't tell the truth at least not the whole truth today. Talk to me.", he said.

"I just been feelin' depressed lately and been havin' urges to hurt myself. Today I had a flashback and that made me cut. I'm so sorry.", I said with a crack in my voice.

"It's okay baby.", he said before kissing my head. "I just want you to start talking to me so I can try to help. I don't want you to hurt yourself and I don't want you to deal with this alone. I know you was alone at first but you're not anymore and you never will be, I promise."

"I know.", I said sniffing.

...

I sat up breathing hard with tears running down my face. I hate this shit. I started lowly crying. I felt Trever sit up.

Normally my daddy wouldn't let him sleep in here but he said that it was okay. I think he wants him to watch me.

He put his arm around me and I jumped. "It's me baby.", he said. I laid on him and cried as he rubbed my back. "It's gonna be okay."

...

I fell asleep with him holding me tightly.

____________

Change of plans, my stories aren't on hold. It's a long story.