Smile For Me, Baby

Chapter 21

"Jackie, pick it up." I cried as I ran outside. Tears were running down my face that I couldn't see anything, and I was afraid that I might hit something. At the same time, I really don't care. I was tired and I was getting insane. Four rings, five rings, six rings, nothing.

I called Jackie again, five more times to be exact, but she didn't answer. My breathing hitched and my lips were quivering. I was tired and so damn hurt, and the hurt in my legs from running didn't make it any better.

I don't really know where I was going, but all I know is I want to run off from the studio and breathe 'cause it felt like I was suffocating from that damn place. The beating of my heart went 100 mph and hour and it wasn't because of Justin, but it was because of the fact that he hurt me.

"Jackie," I said, breathless. Still running away, I went to the corner of the street -- where nobody will notice me -- and hugged my knees tightly to sob. I cried silently, not wanting to attract more attention. People were already looking at me with pity and pity was something I couldn't handle. What hurts more is when all I was thinking about Justin and I's memories.

"A rose for you." I remembered Justin say during Valentine's Day.

"I-if you want to go out with me?" I remembered Justin ask me out.

"Relax, babe. I got you and I'm not going to do anything to you." He whispered seductively at me. Our first date to a drive-in movie. I remembered how close we are and how Justin wrapped his muscular arms around my waist.

"Sherlyn, you're beautiful and not ugly." He said. "Don't think of yourself like that, okay? In my definition, you are perfect." He said when he was staring at me. I remembered how my heart was beating fast when he said those words to me. It warmed my heart and I couldn't stop the heat that was creeping out on my cheeks.

"So," He said, licking his lips to put moisture. "Will you be my girlfriend?" He asked in a cute way. No matter how creepy it sounded, I still had the Starbucks cup that he used to ask me as his girlfriend. It reminded myself that he did love me.

He doesn't, I thought to myself. But the memories continued.

"You know I like you right?" He asked while he kissed the back of my hand. "Don't forget about that okay?" He said before we drove off and went to Starbucks, no matter how really late it already was.

Another lie.

"Oh, what the heck!" I said, pulling Justin in a kiss. I remembered how the kiss made my nerves alive and send electric shocks through my spine.

"You know I won't do anything like that to you." He said. "Even if I wanted to." He whispered seductively on my lips. I remembered the time he snuck in to my room that midnight and slept with me. I thought I was going to get raped, but at the same time I was glad he was there with me.

"But you love me." He smiled before he kissed me roughly. It was the first time we actually had a make out session. I would have laughed, but in my situation right now I wouldn't want to think about it.

That was true. I did love him.

"You won't consider it rap(e) 'cause you'll enjoy it." He smirked. That was the time when he suggested that I should be with him and I refused because I thought he will rape him.

I gulped at the memories, and yet, it was still coming.

"Sherlyn, I'll never leave you and I'll never consider or suggest that I should leave you. You're an amazing person and beyond beautiful. I love you, okay?" He said when he saw my cuts.

More and more memories flowed, and I was too tired to think about it. It was almost getting dark and I knew that I should go back home, but I still don't want to. My heart was hurting because of Justin, my legs were hurting because of running, my eyes are hurting because I'm crying.

Yet I stood up, not bothering to wipe my tears away, and ran again. I didn't bother to apologize to the people I hit and just ran.

From all my break ups, I have never actually cried this much before, or never had I ever felt so empty. I don't know if it's because it was my first time to reach -- almost -- a one year relationship or because I love Justin too much that I can't stop thinking about him.

That was when I realized that I actually love him. I love him a lot and I can't think of the same way with the others. I loved him more and I loved him even before I became his girlfriend. As amazing as that sounds, I remembered that I eventually already broke up with him.

Trying to wipe the tears away, I didn't remember my legs carrying me across the street. And all I remembered was the sound of horns and car wheels swiveling before I watched myself sleep to eternal darkness.