take care

thirty eight

Well fuck,

It's been one hell of a day. I go from not doing shit for a week to this. Why does this always happen to me?

As you were well aware, yesterday was New Years Eve. Eleanor and Louis decided to stay home for this holiday, most likely because they didn't want me to be alone. This didn't phase me much considering that they had adjusted most of their plans because of me recently.

Like most of this break, I just spent the day reading Harry Potter and drinking Arizona. I was almost done with the book and I was destined to finish it. Sadly my plan was sabotaged when Eleanor and Louis insisted that I join them in the countdown to 2014.

Things went down as they normally would on New Years Eve. We chanted the numbers we had been learning since primary school and I stayed to the side as Eleanor and Louis shared a New Year Eves kiss. I admit I felt a little lonely when I saw them, but I decided not to mention anything. Eleanor and Louis have a life of their own, they don't need me bothering them with my problems constantly.

Of course that didn't stop them. In one big blur, a mob of brown locks locked lips with mine, not letting go until I pushed them away.

"Louis, what the hell was that?"

Louis simply chuckled as he put his arm around El's waist. "I kissed you."

"Well yes I'm aware of that but why did you kiss me?"

Smirking, he added, "Everybody needs a New Years kiss, and just because you're single this year doesn't mean I'm going to let you go without one."

Eleanor giggled. "I was the one who suggested it, Niall. At first I offered to kiss you but once Louis was in on it he insisted that he was the one to snog you."

The couple shared eye contact, but instead of looking away they just stayed there. It was like they were in their own little world, forgetting about me entirely. Finally Louis said, "Hey, me and Eleanor are going to go to bed. Night Nialler." And with that the couple left to, most likely, have sex.

So I was left to myself. I had about three hundred pages left so I would probably finish within the hour. I quickly, well, you know... ugh I cut. I'm embarrassed to say that. I feel awful talking about it because I feel like I sound like just some stupid depressed person who's just trying to get attention. I cut because it genuinely makes me feel better, not because I want attention. Trust me, if I wanted attention I would've gotten it a different way.

But anyways, after that little experience I went and started reading the very last book to the Harry Potter series. I had watched the movies before but I never knew just how good the books are. Seriously, I finally understand what everybody was talking about.

I finished the book at around 2:15, but something strange happened. Normally when I finish books I just set them aside, smile about the lovely experience I had, then brain storm about the next book to read. I always react the exact same way, but this time it was different. I didn't smile or act all nostalgic. I found myself bawling.

I don't know exactly why I was bawling, but for some unknown reason I just couldn't stop. The book itself wasn't that sad to me, I was never really effected by the death of a character, so I had no idea why I couldn't stop.

After several minutes I just gave up. Obviously I wasn't able to solve this problem on my own, so I went to the only people I trusted anymore.

Eleanor and Louis were startled when I walked into the room. I was crying so hard they woke up immediately. Eleanor went and turned the bedside lamp and was the first to speak up. "Niall? Niall love, what's wrong?"

I could barely speak. "I-I j-just-t f-finished the l-last book t-to har-ry pott-er."

"Oh well I'm sorry bub. Is there anything we can help you with..." Louis said but I interrupted him.

I started pacing the room as I spoke. "Ever since I've moved in with you guys I started reading this book series. I've dedicated the past few weeks to these books and now it's over. Just like that everything I had worked for is over. I invested my love and all of my emotions to this and it just goes and throws it all away. I loved this book so much and all it did was break my heart!"

The room went silent as Eleanor and Louis let what I said sink in. It was then that I realized the truth, the true meaning as to why I was upset.

"We didn't even date for a month! Not even a fucking month and it was over! I loved him so much and he just destroyed me! I can't trust anyone anymore, because the only person I ever really trusted broke me! I have scars on my wrists and a hole in my heart because of that asshole! I just..." I broke down even more. "I still love him. Finishing that book made me realize that things are really over between us. I can't go back and change the things I said, I'm stuck in this life I've made for myself. It just hurts, it hurts so much."

I looked up at the couple and the shock in their faces was evident. Louis appeared to be crying, and even Eleanor had some tears in her eyes.

Eleanor was the first to speak. "How about you stay with us tonight? We can talk about this tomorrow."

I nodded, snuggling in between the two. Louis put his arm around me, making me feel safer with his cuddle.

So now it is morning. I'm still getting over everything that happened last night. It really is a lot to take in. After lots of thought, I have finally decided what my New Years resolution should be. My goal for the year is to be happy.

Take Care,

Niall xx

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A/N Awe, Niall! Well anyways, I have started writing a new book! It's Narry, of course, and I was wondering if anyone would read it? Honestly this book had really helped me come out of my writers block. Oh um yeah that's pretty much it ahaha

Next Posting Date: June 23