The Sweetest Devotion (The Affair Series Book 2)

Drowning Sorrows

This night and the many nights after Stef continued to toss and turn as each part of her life and each person in her life ran through her head non stop. From Callie to Jude, Diane, Lena, Sharon and now Frankie. It wasn't just that but it was the dreams that sometimes filled her nights as well and the ones with Aunt Fran that would sneak up on her always seemed to be one of the worst. In those dreams Fran appeared faceless as Stef would run to her but her feet were glued to the ground and she was unable to move to catch up to her aunt.  There was just no catching up to her as in most of them the blonde was just 10 years old and no longer in her 40s as Sharon would tower over her smack her around and pull her into the life she hated. Often Stef woke up screaming from them and cried out for Fran even if it had been decades since she had last seen her and since her death never allowed her to really say goodbye. The woman who had loved her more than life itself, a woman who had nurtured her, cared for her and spoke so kindly to her just continued to plague her mind and there was no way of stopping it. None. But Stef had tried, she had tried not to think of her, she had blocked her out with drugs, with booze with sex along with Debbie knowing how badly she disappointed them during her life. Knowing they were probably watching her seeing how she fucked up more and more when all she had really wanted was to be just like her aunt. To be the cop, to be a good mother a friend and to love her girlfriend who had looked very similar to Debbie. Maybe some of that had aspired but most had not for she was nothing like Fran nothing and she wished she had been. But what was hard for her to see and to realize was how much she was and how much many of the things her aunt  taught and showed her did stick. They stuck because Stef was naturally kind hearted, she was naturally affectionate and loving and she was also human. A human who had messed up many times in life but was working so hard to overcome it. To overcome the excessive pain she felt that she needed to heal from so badly. But she just couldn't seem to allow herself to do so no matter what.

It wasn't just dreams of Aunt Fran that haunted her nights for many of them consisted of her babies as well where each one seemed to be in some type of trouble and no matter what she did in those dreams Stef could never get to them or help them leaving her to feel powerless as in one dream she repeatedly saw Callie trying to jump off a bridge and the faster Stef ran the further Callie was as she saw her jump. She saw her jump each and every time bringing the blonde to her knees. Dreams with Jude were similar as they took place in his school where he was surrounded by older kids pushing him around, teasing him for being the way he was for liking boys and  kicking him to the ground until he was no longer moving as Stef tried to run once again only to have her feet stuck. Frankie's dreams were just as heartbreaking where she saw her being left alone as a baby in which no one wanted her as Stef tried to get to her but the girl would get trampled with no way of being rescued.

Lena didnt escape her dreams either for the cop had a few in which the two were screaming and she would then smack Lena.  Smacked her across the face and that in turn devastated Stef as she would never ever do such a thing. Ever no matter how angry she was at her. Ever. But her anger toward Lena even scared her for why was she? Why? Why had she kicked her out twice of her place, why had she screamed at her in such a way, she loved her didn't she? If she loved her why did she sleep with Diane? IF she loved her why didn't she fight harder against this break or breakup? Why did she let her go to San Diego? Why had she not called her or texted her anything. From being stubborn? Or was it just in her nature to be a fuck up when it came to relationships. Should she have listened to Rita when she warned her not to get involved with anyone right now? Stef just didn't know for her and Diane had so many unresolved feelings for they had never really said goodbye, ever. But as she laid in the women's bed as Diane held onto her once again Stef didn't know if this was forever and neither did Diane. They right now wanted to feel each other, wanted to comfort each other and wanted to be in each others presence for the familiarity of it was easy. Never did they want to toy with each others emotions or have it lead to that toxic level it had reached so many times before but Stef knew she had to tell Lena even if they didn't ever get back together. She had to at some point for she was trying so hard to not be that person she was, even if some people may think her actions with Diane showed how much she didn't change. 

There was no explaining her and Diane in words for even she didn't fully understand it herself except that it was her first love. A hard love, a love she could never bring herself to say goodbye to as she carefully slid out from under her and threw a shirt over her naked body. Looking over at the woman she could only smile as she gently placed a kiss on her soft ass making her way out the room.

"Baby? You ok?" She soon heard. "You were tossing and turning. Everything alright."

"Yeah just need some water. I'll be right back love."

"Ok."

Closing the door behind her the blonde grabbed a bottle of vodka and lit a smoke as she took a seat on the porch outside attempting to numb her pain once again with booze. She knew it wasn't a good idea but right now she didn't give a fuck as she looked to her phone reading over the sweet messages Jude had continued to send her each day along with  positive quotes. He had been concerned leaving his mother alone for the entire summer because he didn't want her to be lonely but Stef continued to remind him to have fun, that he was the kid and that she was his mother and would take care of him.  He had seemed apprehensive but the cop reassured him that she would be just fine.  However, she was anything but that and hoped she could get herself together before he came back from camp in a few weeks. 

Taking a giant gulp of vodka and puffing on her cigarette she wished more than anything it was a joint so she could really feel nothing. Nothing as she viewed some of the photos in her phone some of Callie that were candid and even a few from when she was little. It was hard to swallow the hatred the girl had for her that only seemed to grow stronger each time she saw her and what really scared her was she reminded her more and more of Sharon. Maybe it was the way she spoke to her, or the way she sometimes would look at her but the traits were there no matter how hard Diane and even Lena tried to tell her they weren't. Stef had seen it, she knew it and recognized it and had a bad feeling it would only progress. Was there a way to change that? A way to stop it? Was this her fault as well? God that was the last thing she wanted for any of her kids to turn out like Sharon. A criminal, a con artist and heartless thief.

Taking another chug of vodka as almost half the bottle was gone she flipped through more photos as a few of her and Frankie popped up and Stef couldn't help but smile even if she was now half drunk. The fact that Frankie ran from her the other day was killing her and she felt awful in the way she found out. Never in a million years had the cop  intended to tell her on the sidewalk like that and see her burst into a million tears and run off. That was the last thing she wanted and the cop had even shown up at her place a couple days later but Frankie was just not ready to talk yet. She wasn't and Stef respected her. She did and decided to give her little girl time and space hoping she would come to her for Frankie had really been another missing piece. Despite how much Stef was against knowing her in the beginning now that she did, now that she had become apart of her life just a tiny bit and now that Frankie knew who she really was there was no way she could just let her go. No way for she was her baby and Stef needed to let her know that regardless. All she could hope was that Frankie wanted to get to know her more and that she could explain why she had to give her up.

As Stef downed the rest of the bottle and grabbed another one she could only continue to smile at the pictures of all her children as tears ran down her face.  How much she loved them, wanted the bes for them and, and, and Lena. Shit. Shit was all she could think as she looked at all the text messages from the curly haired woman that she ignored, that she refused to answer or respond to.Her voicemails still sat in her phone saved and it was only a few times Stef would listen to them. Just a few. Finishing half of the second bottle as she puffed away again Stef was now fully drunk  and she knew she would regret it in the morning but she didn't care as it was making her bold. It usually did and she found herself dialing Lena's number back just like she had done the last time she was shitfaced drunk.

Letting it ring and knowing it was the middle of the night Stef didn't give a fuck as she soon heard the familiar voice.

"Stef?"

"Yeah....you, you got your wish." the blonde slurred as Lena was fully aware that the cop was drunk again.

"What? What are you talking about Stef?"

"I fucked up. Happy?I...I bet you are happy."

"Happy about what? Stef what are you talking about? Why would I be happy that you fucked up."

"I fucked...I fucked Diane over and over."