The Sweetest Devotion (The Affair Series Book 2)

Facing Her

LENA POV

I could see the exhaustion in her face as the weeks had changed her a bit and each thing she was feeling seemed to be written across it. Truth was I didn't know how I was going to feel seeing her and based on the way she was avoiding my eyes as she sipped on her tea she didn't know either. How did we even get to this place? Why had we not been able to communicate or rather why had Stef not been able to just talk to me without growing so angry. Many questions plagued my mind as we sat at my little breakfast table drinking coffee.

"How have you been?" She asked with a tone that seemed somewhat standoffish but nervous leaving me to feel confused about how she was really feeling or what her mood was. With her lately it was unpredictable but predictable at the same time.

"I'm ok." I said looking her in the face as her eyes still avoided mine. "And you?"

"I'm ok. Sober." she joked as I shook my head. "It was just a joke Lena."

"Yeah. But not really Stef. Still thanks for coming."

"Yeah well can't avoid this forever huh?"

"At least you admit you were avoiding me."

"Yeah well." She said as either I was going to address the elephant in the room or she was. But which one would we address first. "Look I didn't mean to call you up when I was wasted and spew a bunch of shit. Ok? And I didn't mean to be so angry and blow up at you the last time I saw you. I know my anger has been bad lately and I'm working on it. That and many things. But I'm sorry I called you up wasted like that."

"I understand."

"I've been working on my anger for years and I should not have taken it out on you in the way I did."

"Forgiven." I said taking another sip as her eyes looked to the floor. "So everything you told me when you were drunk on the phone were they lies or the truth?"

"A mixture of both I guess."

"So you didn't sleep with Diane?" I asked knowing the answer. I knew she did and her face said it all I just didn't know exactly to what extent their relationship was or if it was one.

"No. That was the truth. I have been sleeping with her." She admitted as her voice cracked and looking anywhere but at me as I took another sip of my coffee confirming that it was not a one time thing, but also something I was not going to compete with. Ever. Sure it hit like a ton of bricks but what could I say? What could I really say for they had something I might never understand. How did you stop loving a woman you loved since you were ten and shared most of your life with and your children's lives. How?

"Are you in love with her still?" 

With that question she let out a sigh and ran her fingers through her hair that had grown.

"I love her yes. I always have."

"But are you in love with her. Is she the one you want to be with?"

"Lena, I can't explain this. I don't know how to and I'm trying too. Yes I love her but I'm  not in love with her. It's not a black and white thing."

"Well I'm sure it's not but I'm not competing with her Stef. I'm not and  I won't sit here and wait for you to choose between us."

"Fuck Lena it's not like that. Ok. It isn't."

"Then what is it like in your head?" Huh? Because you can't play both sides. You can't Stef. Does she even know about me?" I asked as she now got up and rubbed her forehead. Any minute she might explode as I could see her trying to remain patient. "She doesn't does she?"

"We, we weren't together Lena. You and I weren't. I don't need to explain my actions if neither of us were together."

"Seriously? You were the one who accused me of sleeping with Jenna. Whether you were drunk or not which it seemed like you always were this summer you were pissed. And I was pissed for you even suggesting I was. So I think I have a right to ask these things and to feel what I was feeling and am feeling Stef. I have every right and you can get as angry as you want at me. But I told you before, I told you more than once I am not your seconds."

"For christ sake I didn't ask you to be my seconds ok? I didn't! Jesus. It's just like you to know what to say. I swear Lena."

"What is it that I know how to say? The truth that you can't handle.That you can't face?"

"And what truth is that? Huh since you seem to know everything!" She said crossing her arms.

"I barely know anything because you won't talk to me. You start arguments on purpose! You call me up accusing me of things that I have never done to you. You accuse me of wanting to see you fail and mess up. You make me out to be this horrible person and I don't know why!"

"I do not!"

"Yes you do Stef! You do! And I can see you came here to fight again almost like you just want to push me away forever by showing me your worst sides. Is that what you really want? Is it!? I mean are you even in love with me?"

"Of course I am in love with you!"

It was all I could do from holding my tears back as I saw them in her eyes as well and I knew any second she would most likely would walk away because she just didn't know how to handle her feelings at all. Her confliction about life was all over and I knew it was caving in around her for I could see it. I could see it written all over her as she might crack. God she might crack and I didn't want that for her. No matter how angry or frustrated I was with her, not to mention hurt, the pain she was facing, the pain she had always faced was more than most people faced in a lifetime. No this was not a black and white situation at all for there were so many shades in between they might as well be infinite. They might as well be and I also knew for some odd reason my devotion to her was infinite as well. How could I describe that. How when we had not connected in months, nor had we been civil and it was evident she was all over the place and coming apart at the seams. Truth was she didn't need to be in any romantic relationship. She just didn't and it was a hard thing to accept for the both of us.

"Then tell me Stef. Are you pushing me away on purpose? Do you not want me to love you. Why can't you just talk to me. Why?"

"I don't know ok? I don't know. I just know that I, I need to think ok? It's not that simple. None of this is. And the last thing I wanted was for any of this to happen. Ok, you aren't sloppy seconds Lena. You aren't and I never saw you like that but please just  for the love of God I need to think. I do. I don't expect you to wait for me, I don't expect you to fully understand but I need to think. Please. Please baby." she begged with more emotion and tears then I had seen in months and it was the most honest she  had been in a long time.

"Ok."