The Sweetest Devotion (The Affair Series Book 2)

I Don't Run

LENA POV

"Are you doing ok honey? I really think you should come back and stay with me and dad." My mother said as I was finishing up my office for the new year to start. Being I had a good amount of time on my hands since Stef and I were officially not together at this point it was all I could do to remain busy and keep myself together. Yes it had been a painful thing, a real painful thing but I knew and she knew she needed to get better and by being in a relationship was not helping by any means. 

FLASHBACK

"I just I think I need to be alone Lena. I don't think I can ever face life or face myself if I'm with someone right now. And as much as that shit hurts, as much guilt as I feel for doing that to you I just want to be a better person. I want to be a better mother to my kids, I want to be a better partner, and friend.  And I guess, I guess I need to face and deal with things that I have not. I would understand if you hated me for doing this to you Lena I...

"Stef, I don't hate you. I don't. And if anyone wants you to heal it's me. I don't know all you have been through or what kind of effect it really had on you. I don't because you won't tell me. But maybe you aren't ready to tell me and I understand that. I do. I'm not a selfish person, I try not to be and I have always thought people need to do what is best for them when they need it." Seeing her face remain expressionless I wasn't sure how she was feeling. Yes I was heartbroken beyond words as I watched her lean her back on my counter looking as if the weight of the world was on her shoulder. Why was it like this? Why and how did It seem I had this much understanding for her? Maybe it was for me too because I knew right now our relationship was not meant to be. Where would it go? What would it be just us fighting, making up, fucking and her leaving again. That was not what I wanted and that was not what I needed no matter how much I loved her and needed her so badly. As I looked to her run her fingers through her hair a large part of me wanted to so badly just comfort her but our physical affection had been absent from each other for some time. Knowing she was still sleeping with her ex did not help matters either.

"Look Stef, maybe I'm going easy on you but I won't knock someone down who is already trying to fight. Am I angry with you in terms of somethings?Yes. Do I wish it was not like this? Of course. Do I know what will happen with us, no. I don't. But what I do know is that  if you need to take care of yourself then do it Stef. Do it and be the mother you are working so hard on being for all of your children and if that means you can't be with anyone then you can't."

Staring right at me she seemed so closed off just enough to not cry.  Just enough as I held my tears back as well for I had seen it coming a mile away and maybe I had prepared myself for it. Maybe I had even if it was a painful thing to accept and I could still feel my heart ripping in half at its course. Maybe one day if we did get back together only if Stef was in a better place would she really tell me how she felt, what her life was really really like for her and what she really faced as a kid. Until then I was in the dark for most of it and was wondering how I could move on from this and from her. She knew I wasn't going to wait and she knew she might lose me but I could see she was willing to take that risk for her kids and that alone showed me how committed she was.

"Lena I am in love with you like no other. I am. But...

"But you need to do this. You need to and  I get it. Even if you don't think I do, I do."

FLASHBACK ENDS

I'm fine mom. I'm just getting my office ready and I'm not coming back. I actually enjoy Sacramento and the little life I built here.

"Really? Oh honey but you are alone there."

"Yes and no but I still enjoy it."

"Honey, look I won't say much passed what I am saying now but please don't tell me you are still holding out for Stef? Please. Can you just leave that woman be to deal with her many issues. Her many, many issues."