The Sweetest Devotion (The Affair Series Book 2)

First Talks

STEF POV

I had not spoken to Lena in days and not only was that eating me alive along with Callie and trying to take care of my son but so was this situation with my daughter Francesca. Lord did Lena open a can of worms on me and I responded in a terrible way.  A really shitty way for my temper and anger had troubled me and been an issue since I was a kid. I saw that same temper in Callie as well knowing fully well it was getting the best of her just as it had done me. Growing up there had been multiple attempts at trying to control for a few years but after I was placed back with my mother it returned with a vengeance. A real vengeance especially when it was mixed with alcohol and drugs. Truthfully it was something I was trying to work on and maybe I could do better as my therapist pointed out and my group leader as well as Rita.

What made this hard was the look on Lena's face when I blew up on her and threw my glass in the sink. Throwing things had not been uncommon for me but never had I wanted to show her that side of me. Not many people had seen it besides Diane. Why was I so angry at Lena? Was it really because she had gone behind my back and found my daughter and had been speaking to her for months? Was it because I felt blindsided or out of control or lacked control. I could have responded better and I could have listened to her but that all flew out the fucking window. All of it as most things had sometimes. She didn't really deserve the way that I had screamed at her for the hurt was so clearly written on her face and in her eyes. If I thought about it was it possible I fucked up again with another woman I loved so deeply but in a different way this time. Was I  treating her just as poorly as I had treated Diane? Maybe I was and didn't even fucking realize it for I loved Lena. God did I love Lena and I wanted the best for her and more then what I was giving her.  But it seemed we were slowly breaking off and that we both needed to separate for a bit. Was that even a solution I didn't know.

Honestly right now and for the past few weeks I wondering If I was the best for her?  Maybe in San Diego I was when I covered my life up and my past when things seemed easy despite our headed affair. An affair that we maybe should not have started.  But I was and had been so determined to make this work and I had wanted to get it right the second time but it seemed as if I didn't know how when it came to relationships with both men and women. It had been so damm easy for me to sleep around on Diane and it had been so easy for me to fuck Lena and make love to her basically killing her marriage. For what in the end? To have her move here and give up her life for me. Sometimes the shit I did made no fucking sense.

Pushing that to the side and knowing I needed to talk to Lena and figure out what in the fuck we were gonna do my brain just couldn't stop thinking about what she told me in terms of my eldest daughter. It was so unfortunate that I sent her to live with a family hoping she would be taken care of for the rest of her life and then to find out they had passed away and she was sleeping on a relatives couch. If one of my kids could just end up lucky and with a relative easy life I'd be happy but it was seeming like they were each dealing with some kind of difficulty that only frustrated the hell out of me. No mother wants to see their kid suffer and I was no different.

 As I sat in my patrol car outside the diner I knew Francesca worked at I wasn't even sure why I was going in or doing this to myself or her. She really wanted to know who her mother was? I understood that she most likely wanted to know where she came from but jesus lord I just didn't know if I had the lady balls to tell her considering we had already met. Or maybe that wasn't even it for this had never been part of my agenda to meet her. Ever. But I couldn't really push her out of my mind or unsee her for she was my little girl as well just like Callie. Letting out a sigh I turned the patrol car off and headed inside the diner to see her working behind the counter.  The place was relatively empty and fortunately there was no sign of Lena. Last thing I wanted to do was bump into her because it most likely would not be good. Swallowing hard and feeling like I had cement in my legs I walked slowly over to the counter and took a seat  adjusting my gun belt. Maybe someone else would wait on me so that I didn't look too obvious or maybe Frankie didn't remember me from the other week.  Trying my hardest not to stare right at her it was hard not to for she looked so much like me when I was younger. Truth was I wanted to know what she was like which was scary for she seemed like a sweet girl which I was grateful for.  Making eye contact with me she smiled wide as I returned it and she headed over making my heart beat faster.

"Hi Stef!" She said happily  and just the sound her voice was so sweet I could barely contain my smile at her for she did remember who I was.

"Hi Frankie. How are you?"

"Good. Are you alone or with Lena?"

"Oh no I'm alone love. On my lunch break."

"Oh ok! Do you want to hear specials or do you know what you want?"

"Um well I was thinking of a soup and just coffee really. What's a good soup?" I asked looking deep into her pretty hazel eyes as many of her expressions reminded me of Jude. She was kind, and very sensitive in the way she spoke and I couldn't help but see a bit of Callie too. The Callie I use to know.

"Well to be honest I'm not the biggest soup lover but I will eat the loaded baked potato. But minus the sour cream."  She grinned as I couldn't help but smile and laugh for I hated sour cream myself.

"Well then I'll have that."

"Ok and if it's terrible you can take it out my check." she joked as I let out another smile at her. 

"I'm sure it will be fine honey."

"I hope and you want milk and sugar with your coffee?"

"No just black."

"Ok I'll be back with your stuff."

"Thanks honey." I smiled as she returned a wide one and I watched her place the order. Did I really have any business being here and was this unfair to do? Maybe it was or wasn't as I overheard her talking to one of her friends as I pretended to read the paper.

"So can you believe that? They told me I need 6 more credits." Frankie said. "And that means I need to come up with more cash for it and another book. These books are crazy expensive. Lucky I have just enough for the book. I just won't eat for a week." She laughed as I let out a sigh continuing to listen.

"Oh I know! I just spent 200 bucks on one. But wait I thought you only had three credits left Franks?"

"No. I'm missing another science. They won't accept my transfer credits so that's kind of a bummer. But I'll see what I can do."

"I'm sure ya'll figure it out. You always do. I mean you are really resourceful."

"I try. I just really want to graduate and try to get into that school again. Plus I can live in the dorm and not have to sleep on my cousins couch anymore. I think they are getting sick of me."

"Well it's not your fault and they could be a little nicer about it. I mean you lost your parents and had like nowhere to go."

"Yeah I know but I'm probably wearing out my welcome. I think I might look into the YMCA. They rent out rooms."

"Ugh. I'm sorry I wish you could stay with me."

"Don't worry. Some of those places aren't too bad and it's not like it's forever."

"Still you work so hard Frankie and I just want good things for you. You are such a nice person. And I'm pretty sure you will get in this time."

"Thanks that's really nice of you and I think so too. I just have to work even harder. Which reminds me I think I'm covering for Melissa tonight and tomorrow morning."

"Again? You really need to think about sleeping before you crash and burn."

"I'll sleep when I'm dead." She laughed coming back over with my food and my heart could only ache for her. It was aching so bad as I watched her gently place my food in front of me.

"Here you go. Let me know if its ok or if you need anything else Stef."

"Thank you love."

"You're welcome."

Feeling my heart break each time she smiled at me I ate my food quickly and payed secretly leaving a 100 dollar tip for her. It wasn't nearly enough to cover what she needed as I racked my brain realizing I needed to help my baby and come clean about who I was.