The Sweetest Devotion (The Affair Series Book 2)

What Will It Take?

LENA POV

As I listened to Stef continue to ramble on and slur her words my mind was in a state of shock. Yes, I had heard her wasted before as she had left me more then one message  when she had been but this was by far the worst. The absolute worst  and I couldn't wrap my brain around what she had just told me for was she telling me the truth? Or was it just the alcohol? Either way it was feeling as if she threw daggers and rocks at my heart causing it to break. What did she want me to say and what could I say for at this time we weren't together but I didn't think it meant we could go sleeping around even if I was one to talk. This was how our entire relationship started, me cheating on my own husband so how could we have a healthy relationship. How for she wasn't well at all and I was not perfect by any means. But her sleeping with Diane? 

To be honest I couldn't say I was shocked not in the least. Not that I was looking for it to happen or wanted it to happen by any means but if Stef was going to sleep around with anyone it would most likely be her. In my mind I had often wondered if I had should question Stef about her unaddressed feelings toward Diane. Personally I had no ill feelings toward her and based on what little information Stef had told me about Diane she seemed like a nice woman with a troubled past as well. I knew that and much more binded them together including Callie and maybe part of me envied her for knowing Stef more than I ever could and for maybe being able to access apart of her that I just couldn't seem too.   However, I knew her life with Stef had not been easy at all and most likely more stressful than I could ever imagine. Whatever it was it seemed Stef had a knack for women falling hard for her. Really hard and sacrificing everything for her which was exactly what I had done.

"Are, are you gonna say anything?" She asked rather slowly as I could tell she was smoking and maybe finishing up her drink.

"I don't think we should talk about this when your drunk off your ass Stef. You won't remember half of it."

"I, I  know what I'm saying and I hear you. My memory is fine Len." she said as I heard her take another sip and so much it reminded me of when Mike had acted the same. What in the hell did I get myself into?

"I won't Stef. I won't talk about this while your like this."

"Ohh fuck. Goddd everything is what you, what you want woman. Always. Do you have your clipboard out huh? Do you? Do you know how...know how fuck ass annoying it is." She asked as all I could do was sit up in the bed and shake my head at her. Why did she do this? Why?

"No and I think you should go to bed and sleep this off and when you're sober you can call me. All we will do is fight on this phone tonight and I don't have the energy for it Stef. I don't and you seem to be looking for an argument for whatever reason." It was true in the fact that lately I felt she was starting them on purpose to drive me away even more.

"Yeah? You, have fun with Jenna? Huh? She, she there telling you a ton of shit about me huh?"Did you fuck her? I bet she fucked you. About as hard as I fucked Diane." She laughed in an awkward drunken stupor. "I mean are you surprised I messed, that I messed it all up huh? That, that I am what you thought and everyone else. Yeah?" Letting out a sigh I was two seconds from hanging up on her for she was rambling. Rambling words she never would if she was sober but that were things she feared. These were her fears and it angered me to no end that she would only admit them when she was drunk off her ass."I told Frankie and she, she ran from me. Ha wouldn't you run too. Oh wait you did."

"Stef," I begin rubbing my forehead at all that she was admitting to me and could feel a strong headache coming on. Wait she told Frankie? Oh goodness.

"What..huh what Lena?"

"Go to bed Stef. Please."

"Yeah...go on and fuck your little girlfriend. That way, that why you need a break huh? So Jenna can fuck you." She asked angrily for this really came out of nowhere. So this was another fear of hers? Me and Jenna? Yeah she mentioned it once back in San Diego during our first fight but I never expected her to bring it up again. But what right did she have to even say this to me? Was she kidding? This woman was going to make me insane.

"Bye Stef. I won't do this."

With that I hung up on her hoping she didn't call me back and would just pass out in her bed or whoever's bed she was in. Getting up now for there was no way I could sleep I felt the tears fall from my eyes once again as I poured myself some water and taking a seat on Jenna's couch flipping the channels. It would be like me to fight for something and I had fought my entire life and this was no different I was guessing. But I would not fight over her, I would not try to compete with her first love and I would flat out ask her when she was sober what in the hell she was doing. I didn't want to be her sloppy seconds or fear that each time we fought she would go fuck her ex. Stef needed to figure out who and what she wanted and more than anything she needed to heal. The issues she had yes they affected me greatly, they affected everyone around her and her children.

Feeling the weight of her words on my chest I refused to break down over it for that just wasn't me. It wasn't and I kept wondering what was it going to take for her to really, really rid herself of all these demons? Something drastic? Something life altering I thought as I laid on the couch wiping my tears for a woman that my heart could not pull away from.  In all honesty what was it gonna take for me to leave her for good or fall out of love with her for if her fucking her ex and admitting it wasn't enough then what was?

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Well...what should Lena do?  Was she too lax? Did she make the right choice to not talk to Stef while she was wasted?