The Death of Me | A mafia story

Chapter 37 - Denial

Nikolas's POV

Comfort.

I'd gone without it for a lot of years. It was this deep empty hole in my chest searching for anything to fill it; aching as it kept on eating at my inside, day after day searching for satiety but never was able to find it. It kept on getting deeper and deeper till it sucked all the light from inside, leaving me with nothing but darkness.

And that darkness surrounded me, wrapped me inside out. It took parts of me and embedded itself into my core, always there taunting me, mocking me, reminding me I'd lost the right to be loved.

But when this woman looks at me, when those green eyes that's so similar to mine caress my face with so much softness; all of a sudden that darkness starts to fade away and light swoop right in.

When she smiles; Comfort - that foreign feeling - surrounds me.

And it leaves me questioning everything, including myself. Do I deserve it? Hell to the no I don't.

But once again, when she finds out what I did; when she discovers that I turned out to be a copy of the man who once ruined her; Would she still look at me in the same way? Would she give me her smile? Would she be able to even look me in the eye?

"But he's your son too." My words broke the silence that settled between us and I know somewhere in her head she is trying to understand, trying to make sense of the meaning my words left behind.

And once she gets a grip on it, she won't forgive me, because I know; Actually, I am sure that she loved him.

But I hated him.

She cared about him and I ruined him.

He is her son but he is my enemy.

I can see her throat working, swallowing past the confusion as her gaze not once wavered from me. She lightly shook her head, her voice a mere whisper, "What did you do?"

What did I not do, would've been the better question.

"Nikolas, did you.. did you hurt your brother?" She asked, her voice questioning me almost as if she couldn't believe it.

My jaw tightened, "He is not my brother."

She blinked and shook her head again, lines etched between her eyebrows and she asked again, "What did you do to him?" Her tone got more serious, "Nikolas, answer me!"

"I can't tell you."

"Why?" I heard fear quivering in her tone, "Did you...Did you kill him?" She couldn't even pronounce the word without her voice breaking.

I fisted my hand, my voice hardened, "Not yet."

Her eyes widened and she inched closer to me, she shook her head, "No, no, don't you.. don't you dare. I know it's my fault-" She placed her hand on her chest, "I know I separated the two of you; I thought I was doing the right thing back then but he is still your brother, he is your little brother, you can't hurt him, you can't... and if you do, I will never forgive you, Nikolas, please don't hurt him..."

My chest tightened painfully; as if someone grabbed my lungs in a tight grip and squeezed off all the oxygen from them. A part of me wanted to not care, not care whether she'll forgive me or not; not care how I'll ruin Cara by this, how I'll take Lilly's father away from her, that part wanted to wake up the monster in me, to cling to darkness and kill him, finish him, end what I started, so maybe.. maybe I'll be able to rest after.

Because even after everything I've done; I am not satisfied, I am not feeling the pleasure of his pain, I am not enjoying the thought of spilling his blood like I used to.