The Death of Me | A mafia story

Chapter 51 - A messed up puzzle

"I will never be perfect for you
but I will always imperfectly try to be."
- ATTICUS

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Alex's POV

Her eyes grew wider in astonishment and she said, "Birthday?"

A smile curved my lips at her surprised expression, "Yes." I nodded my head, "Today was my birthday."

Her lips stretched wider into a gaping grin and her eyebrows arched for the sky. Her eyes lit up as she excitedly said, "Cake?"

I chuckled, "That's the only thing you think about, huh?" I shook my head, "No, unfortunately, there is no cake." At that realization, her smile broke down into a heart-melting pout.

I ran my hand through her hair, gently stroking it. The smile slowly left my face and a low tired sigh parted my lips, "Can you believe that even your mother didn't remember."

For some reason, I hated being alone on this day. I am not asking for much, I just wish she didn't leave.

If only she stayed.

Her presence alone was enough.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I said, "But you can't tell anyone." She nodded her head as if she understood my words. The movement of hand paused and I gazed into her eyes, the same ones as mine, and I said, "I miss your mother a lot."

"I know that I said things maybe I should've not said but that's my problem you see. I always talk first, then I think about it and later regret it." She intently listened to me as if she understood that I just needed someone to talk to at the moment, to just let out these words trapped down my throat.

"And it's not like I didn't mean them, because to be honest, I did." I sighed and lightly shook my head, "I just don't understand. Why I can't function without her and at the same time, it hurts to be with her?"

I think that we've all got these short attention spans and the need to pull people close only to push them away when things get hard. It's that urge to run, that fear of trust, that uncomfortableness with nurturing love - addicted to the dysfunction and rejecting the cure.

"Was Katherine right? Am I making a big deal out of it? Is this all just a big stupid mistake?" I struggled to make sense of what I should and shouldn't do. A war lit up between my brain and my heart, each fighting for dominance, both screaming at me, conflicting my thoughts and feeding the chaos tumbling across my head.

I do love her and I want her. Her warm touch alone could melt mid-winter snow and being with her used to bring me a type of comfort I no longer feel when she's gone. It's like this hole had been hollowed out inside me, begging for anything to fill it. Like hunger pangs when you're starving and your body eats at your insides, searching for satiety when there's no sustenance to be found.

I want to run toward her, yet I want to stay away. I want to be strong and nonchalant but I can't. I feel drawn in and that only makes me want to pull back.

Her door is always open and so is mine, so why is it always I that must walk to her?

For once only, I wish she'd fight for me. Only for once, I want to feel that I am worth that one damn fight.

I zoned back in, pulling myself out of these conflicted thoughts, my eyes first fell on Lilly to see her fast asleep. Very low snorts escaped past her slightly parted lips. I ever so carefully removed my arm from under her, allowing her head to sink into the comfort of the pillow. I brushed the few strands that fell over her eyes and got up to pull the blanket and cover her little figure.