Two Sides

Conflict

I stand to meet him. Finn looks like he hasn't slept well in days, and he's breathing hard. He keeps looking behind me, searching for Ben. 

"Rey," says Finn. "Are you OK? He was here. How did he get here? We have to tell the others."

"He wasn't exactly here. I can't explain it very well."

"You don't seem upset." Finn's anger gives way to something much more difficult to bear. Suspicion. 

"No. That's been happening for a while now. We meet like that. I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to worry." 

"Worry? You're the best friend I've got here and you didn't think it important enough to tell me you were secretly meeting with HIM?" He starts to pace, and I resist the urge to reach for him. 

"I'm sorry. It's really not that big of a deal. We have some kind of connection, and neither of us understand it very well. Every time I've been with him in person he's asked me to join him. And every time I've refused. Come on, Finn. Give me a little credit here."

"It's not that big of a deal?! I can't believe you. Do you know what he is? What he's done? You should have stabbed him in the heart right there and ended this war." 

I shift my focus away from his agitated pacing and work on calming my breathing. If we both get angry we'll just end up screaming at each other and nothing will get resolved. 

"I saw you touch him," says Finn. He's finally standing still. "I know you're impulsive, but you can't possibly have thought that was a good idea. He could have hurt you. He could have killed you, and then what would we do?" 

It was impulsive, I'll give him that. "He won't hurt me."

Finn's eyes bulge in disbelief. "He won't hurt you? He's tried to kill you on multiple occasions. Tortured you, turned you over to be tortured. Remember?" 

"I remember. But he's different in that space, when it's just us. If I thought he'd hurt me, I wouldn't meet him there." 

"I don't understand you. I can't believe you'd sit with him and have a conversation as if the entire galaxy wasn't going to hell."

"It's complicated." I start to walk back toward the base. I feel Finn's solid presence beside me, but I still can't bring myself to look at him. 

"It didn't look all that complicated to me," says Finn. "It looked like you both knew exactly what you wanted. But HIM? Really, Rey? You can't seriously choose him. If only you'd seen him with the First Order. He's pure evil."

"He's not. There is still light in him. Not much, but it's there."

"And so what? You're going to sacrifice yourself and all of us for the chance he might, what? Stop being super evil and just notch it down a bit to regular-level evil?" 

"I would never, never sacrifice any of you. I can't believe you said that." 

Finn reaches for my hand and holds it tight. "I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't tell him where we are. It just didn't look good, Rey. What do you think you're doing, meeting with him like that?" 

Testing him. Trying to determine how committed to his path he really is. Trying to determine how much of that light is really left inside - if he can truly be saved. In the end, his grandfather turned back to the light side. He died, but he died with some redemption. The thought of Ben dying causes my breath to hitch. 

"I'm lonely here," I whisper. 

"I know I've been busy. Rose is getting better. I'll have more time. I'll help you. We can train or whatever - fly missions for Leia, or help Poe. There's plenty to do." 

"I'm alone. I can't explain it well. But I am completely alone. The only one here with the use of the Force. Ben is my equal. That doesn't make me happy. But there's no use denying the connection I have to him."

"You call him Ben." 

"Yes, Finn, I call him by his name." 

"Ben Solo is dead. He's been dead for a long time." 

"But he's not. He's in there, I know it. I see him. He's so different when he meets just with me. He's almost vulnerable."

Finn shakes his head. "You'll tell Leia?"

I nod. I will tell her, of course. She may be the only other person in the galaxy who cares if Ben Solo has a chance. 

We enter the compound and with a last worried glance, Finn and I part ways. I know I've hurt him more than he admitted. I head to Leia's office. She motions me in and I close the door behind me. 

"I just spoke with Ben."

She presses her eyes closed and drops into her chair. "Do you know where he is?"

"No. And he didn't ask where we were." 

"Promise me that you won't give up on him," says Leia. "Don't make the same mistakes I did." 

"I told him I wouldn't see him again."

She smiles. "I'm sure he received that news well." 

"I don't understand what he wants from me." 

"Rey, he doesn't want anything from you. He wants you." 

I don't fully understand this. "But he chose power. If he really wanted me he wouldn't have." 

"Don't be so sure. He's still trying to get everything he wants. He'll realize soon enough that it won't work. Then there will be a reckoning."

I nod. The form that reckoning might take could destroy the galaxy. 

"Forgive me if I'm too forward," says Leia, "but I find it hard to believe he would continue this pursuit of you if he didn't have a reason to think he had a chance." 

My heart slams against my ribs, struggling to break free of its enclosure as it gallops out of control. That's the truth I've been running from since I met him. He's a monster. But the part of my mind that should be screaming at me to run from him is deathly quiet.