Two Sides

And Choosing

I'm standing in the center of a field of endless grass. It shimmers in the sunlight, its glossy leaves sparkling in the breeze like bits of glass. Each blade is independent, though they move as one, creating the appearance that I am standing on some giant creature's green hide. I abandoned my shoes hours ago. 

I rotate between lying in the grass and pacing. The others left long ago. It's entirely possible I'm the only living thing on this planet. Since our arrival, I haven't seen a single animal. Not even spiders in the old rebel base or a mouse. It's such an achingly vacant place. I hear the ship before I see it. It roars over the horizon, passes over the structures of the base, and approaches, its descent smooth and slow. 

I turn to face it, squaring my shoulders and activating my lightsaber. I'm shocked that I'm not dead. I expected to be vaporized after Ben's warning, but it never came. I'm not sure what that means. He thinks I'd make a better prisoner, or maybe he's dead and they're still coming for me because they know what I am. It doesn't really make a difference. I can't fight off a ship's worth of soldiers, and all they need to do is blast me. 

The ship settles in a landing position. It's the biggest craft I've ever seen. No wonder it can blow entire planets out of space. There's a click of locks releasing, and then a hiss of air as the craft depressurizes. The lower hatch opens. And Ben walks down the ramp. 

Not Ben. Kylo Ren. Complete with the helmet. My heart sinks. I really thought he had at least started to distance himself from Kylo. He moves toward me, his steps slow and deliberate. I wait for someone on board the ship to shoot me, but there is no movement within. He stops in front of me, close enough that I could cut him down. Then he releases the sides of his helmet and takes it off. He tosses it into the grass at my feet. 

"Why did you disobey me?" Such demand in that voice, such entitlement. My hackles rise. 

I nearly choke, and place my blade in front of me. "Excuse me?"

"I told you to leave. And yet you're standing here waiting." 

"You are not my Supreme Leader. I'll stay if I want to." 

He runs his eyes over me. It's an appraising look, one a leader uses to assess a soldier for injury. There's nothing of the gentleness and longing I've seen on his face before. 

"Why are you here." My voice sounds strained, even as I try my hardest to remain calm. 

"You didn't shoot us out of the sky," he says, a curious expression on his face. 

I blink a few times, confused. "Shoot THAT? With what, do you suppose, this abandoned rebel stronghold has to offer that could destroy such a ship? You wanted me to shoot you?"

"You're the one holding the weapon." 

I glance down at my lightsaber and retract the blade. "Better?"

He shrugs. "Would you have shot me, if you were capable?"

I consider this for a long time. He watches me, his face smoothed of any expression save mild curiosity. 

"No. I don't think I would have." I should have wanted to. But I don't want to kill him, even now. 

He nods. "We are at an impasse, Rey. Make your move." 

My grip tightens on the handle of my weapon. My first instinct is to suspect some kind of trick. Perhaps he's playing mind games with me, or trying to confuse me and force me to act. We've fought before, and while I had recently thought we were done with that, I hadn't thought it while staring down a First Order death machine all alone. 

"Does it usually take you this long to make a decision?" he says. "This planet is hot."

"Says the person wearing all black." 

His mouth puckers at the side as if in thought, and he reaches back and pulls the ridiculous cape off and tosses it onto the grass. He looks down at my bare feet and proceeds to remove his own heavy boots and socks. He rolls up his pant legs to mid-calf, and pulls off his coat, leaving only a thin, sleeveless tank top. His arms and chest are riddled with scars, which stand out in the bright light. 

"Now, where were we," he says. "Oh, I remember. I was waiting for you to do something."

He doesn't have any weapons, unless they're hidden in his pants. He watches my face, as if he's reading my thoughts, and nods. 

"I didn't come here to kill you. If I wanted to kill you, I would have followed Hux and blasted this rock out of the galaxy. I'm unarmed." 

"You thought that was wise?"

"Of course not. I think we are equally matched in combat, but since you already know I won't kill you, you have a psychological advantage. But I had to do something. As you said, you can't keep living the way you've been living, and neither can I. So what now?"

I'm having trouble getting a deep breath, and my mouth is dry as sand. I believe him. For no good reason I can properly state, and yet, I do. I can't sort through everything I'm feeling, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let him study me like some kind of experiment while I try. I let my weapon fall, and it bumps against his helmet and rolls into the grass. I shake my head, turn, and walk away.