Two Sides

Up Above

I come in out of the rain after the storm stops, dripping water on the floor of the hut. I can't pass up the chance to stand in a rainstorm, and I'm not sure when I will tire of it. The rebels used to tease me relentlessly about it. Finn said it was because it was a thing children do when it rains. Not children on Jakku. 

I drop down beside Ben, who's sleeping peacefully. Only in sleep do the deep thought lines smooth from his face, and the mouth relax. I run my fingers over his chest, and he bats my hand away. 

"Let me sleep, woman." 

I lean in and nip at his earlobe, but doesn't rouse. We haven't slept much in the past few days, since my first swimming lesson. I haven't had to go back out in the water, either, which suits me just fine. 

I've been fighting non-stop since I woke up on this planet to keep the darkness inside of me at bay. I haven't only locked down my connection with Ben - I've closed myself completely to any use of the Force, light or dark. I grit my teeth and tuck my legs against my chest.

"I need help controlling the dark side of the Force," I say quietly.

His eyes snap open and he's fully awake in an instant, a warrior's reaction to threat. He scans me, looking for some visible sign of damage, but there isn't any. He shifts to sit in front of me, and waits. 

"Since I destroyed the ship, I've been struggling," I say. 

I expected more of a reaction from him. The only tell is a slight twitch of his lips to one side. I wait for him to respond, giving him time to process.

"I wasn't aware that you remembered."

I nod, trying not to think of the tens of thousands I killed in my fit of rage. It took a while to remember, over a week. And when I did, I sank deeper into myself and tried to sort it out. 

"I do." 

"What else do you remember?" 

"Do you want to know if I remember why I was angry enough to destroy your ship?" 

The barest of a nod.

"I remember that, too." 

"I'm sorry," he says. "I was rash and responded out of anger. I wouldn't have actually done it. I wouldn't have hunted the rest of the rebellion." 

I don't believe it for a second, and I don't bother hiding it. He's flustered now, and I wonder just how worried he's been about this conversation.

"I believe that the person you are now, in this place, would not hunt the people I love. But Kylo Ren, who commanded that ship, wouldn't have batted an eye." 

He holds up his hands in defeat. "Fine. Yes. But, it's different now. Enough about that. How can I help you?" He's so sincere in his offer. 

"What does the dark power feel like to you?"

"Like a flood. A torrent of unrestrained movement that stops as quickly as it started." 

I'm surprised by how fast he answers. "What about now? When you're not bent on obliterating anyone who's ever come against you?" 

"It's not there. Once I use it up, it's gone." 

I'm confused already. "You mean once you're not angry anymore?" 

"Right. It doesn't stick around. I think I'd burn out if it did." 

The urge to vomit surges back up. "Mhm." 

"You've still got it inside, don't you?"

"I remember what it felt like when I destroyed the ship. This is different. It's like a coiled snake in my stomach, just waiting to strike. If I don't block everything, I'm afraid I'll lose control of it again." 

"The only person here you can kill is me. Let it out and let's see what happens." 

I can't believe he's so nonchalant about this. "No!"

"What does the light feel like when you're not drawing up that power?" 

"It's not the same. I don't draw it up. It's just always there, ready when I need it." 

"What does it feed on? What triggers it?"

"My focus." 

"Then focus on squashing that snake, and you'll be free of it." 

After a few minutes of trying to visualize this idea, I give up. Ben motions me out of the hut, and walks around behind and pulls out a rough raft of logs he's lashed together with vines and the remainder of his cape. He drags it to the shore and pushes it out into the water a bit, his eyebrows raised. 

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Get on." 

"What are we doing?" 

"I'm going to tow you out into the lake, and you're going to use all that darkness you've been hoarding to pull the ship up off the bottom so we can see if there's anything useful that survived." 

I eye the raft, knowing my lack of confidence is apparent. Ben doesn't seem to care. He strips off his clothing and tugs me over, sitting me cross legged in the very center. 

"Can you really swim that far?" 

"I guess we'll find out." 

He grabs onto the raft and tucks his arms into a rigged harness, and begins to slowly swim me out into the lake. Thankfully, the water is calm. Ben takes breaks as we make progress, floating on his back and using his much better developed skills of searching with the Force to locate the abandoned ship.

"I'm also looking for my boots. They were my favorite color of black." 

I trail my fingers along in the water, and peer nervously into the depths, expecting some enormous creature to surface and swallow us whole. A few turtles pass by, but otherwise, nothing moves. I wonder if this entire moon is covered in water save the tiny patch of forested land where we now are. I can't see land in any direction save the one we came from. 

Ben finally stops after almost an hour of swimming and points below him. 

"It's there. Straight down. Your turn, Jedi."