Two Sides

After

There are so few of us left. The shock of it settled in when we met with command - now just Poe and Leia. To rebuild a Resistance movement from such a tiny force seems an impossible task. But we hope. As Finn says, we fight for what we love. He hovers over Rose, and lingers outside of sickbay. We don't have a medic anymore, so one of the others has taken to searching the texts left shelved by the previous inhabitants to find a solution. I avoid them both. I cannot help, and I cannot stomach the anguish on Finn's face. 

I don't know where I am. The others do. As soon as we returned, I sat down with Poe and Leia and told them everything. As far as I know, Ben could only access me because of something Snoke did to us. Some twisting of the Force. But we can't be sure, and until we are, I am to remain oblivious to our location in case Ben does find me again. Leia was unreadable during our conversation. I expected her to react. But she sat with her hands folded neatly in her lap, her back straight, and no expression on her face. How would I feel if I were her? If I knew these things about my own child? I thought she might finally crumble, but she was strong as ever. Does she hope for him? I do, but I dare not share that with her. 

The planet we are on is a vast spread of rolling hills and green, open spaces. BB-8 and I spend hours exploring, training for the fight that will come. I run. Moving through grass is bliss compared to the unforgiving sand of Jakku. Only one sun warms this planet. No amount of training, of pushing, of exhausting my body can chase away the horrors of the past few days. I replay the scene with Ben over and over in my mind. I've examined it from every angle. I still struggle with the fact that I did not kill him when I had the chance. Mercy is costly, and I pay the price now. In leaving him alive, I have damned so many more to suffer at his whims. Now, I struggle with what I saw in him.

He is not all darkness. Perhaps Snoke was. Even Darth Vader, Ben's hero, wasn't totally dark. These absolutes seem useless. Something in Ben desires the darkness more than the dim scraps of light he cannot banish. And as he darkens, the light becomes brighter. That is the way of the world. A tiny light in pitch blackness is more powerful than the brightest light against the sunshine. Whether the scraps of light that remain in him are there by choice or by luck or by inheritance, I cannot say. But they are his only hope. And it's likely they are our only hope as well. 

For a moment, after the battle in Snoke's throne room, I thought he might consider. I thought he might come with me. But it was foolishness. I know so little about him. I saw a future for him where he could be free of tyranny and anger. Where he could rest. But he didn't see that future for himself, and in the end, he has to make the choice. And what would I have done if he had chosen to come with me? Brought him back into the folds of the rebel movement? Arranged a tearful reunification with his mother? No. There is too much history, and he has hurt too many people. Including me, if I'm honest. His path back to the light side will be one of suffering and great sacrifice. He knows this, just as well as I do. He made his choice. Power is what the darkness in him craves - what it feeds upon. 

I'm alone here, more alone than I ever was on Jakku. There are people, of course, people I love dearly. Poe is kind to me. Between efforts to communicate with our allies and gather more troops and resources, he takes time to see how I'm doing. I was tortured by Snoke, and I survived. I'm something of a hero. The last Jedi. I experience some of what Luke must have felt on that island. To be the only one of something so historically significant is a burden I didn't understand. When the others see me, their eyes spark. Their faces relax and they smile. I'm a mascot as much as I am a soldier. I represent their hope. I only pray that I'm worthy of it. Why I was chosen for this task is beyond my understanding. 

And my heritage. Of all the aspects of the conversation with Ben I replay, this is the one that causes the most pain. My parents left me on Jakku. They sold me. I've been alone my entire life. What if they hadn't? I've had grand fantasies about my parents, heroes of the Resistance, returning to me and finding a daughter worth the wait. According to Ben, I am nothing. But I've worked hard for what I am - for who I am. He's a spoiled prince who chose power over everything, even his own soul. I'm nothing, and I am his equal. He thinks it hard to be me. I can't imagine otherwise, and I certainly can't imagine being him.