Two Sides

And the Why

"Are you going to keep that beard? If we get rescued?" says Rey.

I open my eyes and find her staring at me, not even close to meditating. "I asked you to concentrate, and to use the bond to communicate." I push a little harder than I should into her mind, and regret it when she flinches. "I'm sorry. That was harsh." 

"Well?" she says. 

The truth is I hate it. It itches. I realise now how soft I had become on the First Order's ships, how much I came to depend on creature comforts. I'd give quite a lot for a razor about now. 

"Do you want me to keep it?"

She tips her head to the side, scrutinising my face. "No."

"Then I won't. Now, would you mind concentrating?"

"Just like that? You'll shave it off for me?" 

I huff out an exasperated sigh. "Yes, darling. For you, anything." 

A fountain of laughter spills out of her, and I know I've lost this training session. 

"Darling?" she says, leaning forward to kiss me. "That sounds nice."

"You don't strike me as an 'endearments' kind of girl." 

"I think there's still a lot we don't know about each other." 

"I know very well that you don't enjoy this kind of training. But I honestly don't know how to teach you any other way."

I've been trying to teach her to meditate for a week. She's not awful at it, she just isn't anywhere near being able to control the Force with the meager ability she does possess. She needs time. I've had more than a decade of discipline drilled into me. She has learned other skills, mostly survival, and though she has far more raw talent than I do, she simply won't progress without working at it, no matter how good she is. 

"Why don't you like it?"

"It hides a lot of the scar." She digs her fingers into the unruly beard. "I like the scar. Not that I gave it to you, but I like that it's there now. It marks you as mine."  

I grab at the tiny thread of possessiveness at the edge of her thoughts and yank. Her eyes widen in shock, and I press my way into her mind. Since she extricated herself from her daze, she hasn't tried to block me. Not consciously, anyway. There are horrors in her past that she has walled off even from herself, and I don't go digging around lest I break this emerging trust. But it's a helpful teaching tool, to be able to sort out her feelings and the trails of her consciousness. 

"This, darling, is the dark side. Plain and simple. Feel it?" I hold on tight to that thread, until I know her awareness is focused totally on it. I still cannot understand her reaction to the dark side. Even now, she is sorting through a slew of emotions - fear, shame, disgust, anger, denial - and, the very faintest touch, but present all the same - elation. 

"Don't panic," I say, reaching out and pulling her against me. "Use it. It's such a slight amount of power, but it's there. Use it the same way you lift a rock with the light side. It's anchored inside of you, connected to that dark side of the Force you like to pretend doesn't exist. Dark power has a source. You just found one. Direct it." I glance behind her, and turn her round to face the lake. "Open your eyes. There's a fish out there, close to shore. Grab it and tug it in. I'm hungry." 

I withdraw from her mind, and stay out. She visibly struggles to comply with my instructions, no doubt worried the darkness will take up residence inside of her if she doesn't expend it. Five breaths later there's a bass gasping for air on the sand, flip-flopping in a desperate attempt to reach the water. 

Rey steps out of my arms, glances at the fish, and stalks off into the forest. I let her go, and resist the urge to re-enter her mind and find out what she's thinking. Reading people in that way has always been second nature to me. I can brush against them and they never know I'm there. Rey might, with enough time, be able to detect me. But I stay out, and busy myself with dressing the fish with a sharpened piece of slate. 

I roast the fish, and when it's cool enough to handle, I seek her out. She's sitting in the center of the stream on a big rock. The forest is still, holding its breath in preparation for the coming storm. I wade in and set the fish in front of her. We haven't had much fish, and I suspect they now venture out more since the giant creature in the lake is dead. It's a welcome change to rabbit, which are becoming scarce. 

"The problem isn't that I used the dark side," she says, after eating the fish and washing her hands in the water. 

We walk back to the hut, though I know she'll stand in the rain like a maniac until it stops falling. I wait for her to continue. When she doesn't, I stop and turn her to face me. She keeps her gaze fixed on my feet, and her cheeks are flush. 

"I figured as much." 

And I did. It's not that she used it. She finally gathers the courage to look me in the eye, though she remains silent. 

"It's that you enjoyed it."

Her chin dips ever so slightly in acknowledgement. I dare not let her feel how much joy I'm experiencing right now. She is like me, in ways that matter. She'll never use the dark side like I have, and if I have anything to say in the matter, no one will ever bend her to their will and abuse her power like Snoke did me. But she understands me, at a level I never thought anyone would. The dark side is glorious, and it is where I feel most home. And it's in her, deep down. I could not love this woman more, and it terrifies me.