Two Sides

Fears I Hide

I walk back toward the ship. It remains as silent and unmoving as it was when Ben walked off of it a few hours before. It fills my entire field of view. The hull is a polished, smooth black. I cannot imagine how much money it took to build such a behemoth. More than the resistance has ever seen in all of its history. 

I've been fretting over this decision since I realized I'd have to make it. I don't trust Ben. I'd be a fool if I did. I can't imagine how he's changed so much that he would offer such a boon. I watch him as he walks beside me, stealing glances that I hope he doesn't notice. If this is a trap for me, a way to lock me up, I will be the biggest idiot in the galaxy. And to be honest, I will be heartbroken. 

My friends would be screaming at me to run away, not walk willingly into the belly of the enemy's ship. But in my gut I feel it the right thing to do. And they didn't experience the way he kissed me. I don't think he can hide himself in moments like those. He is desperate in a way that startles me. It's so discordant with the rest of his persona, even when he strips off Kylo and tries to be just Ben. 

I stop and wait for him to gather up his abandoned clothing. My weapon flies into my hand and I click it into place. A little trill of panic runs through me when he picks up that awful helmet. He notices the change in me before I even make eye contact. Just how aware of me is he? 

"I won't wear it when I'm alone with you," he says, holding out the hideous mask. "But this is a ship full of First Order soldiers, and they respond well to intimidation." 

I turn and head back toward the base, and when he doesn't follow, look back to see what he's doing. At his quizzical expression, I motion to myself.

"I'm covered in dirt and grime, and I need to clean up. There's some water left in the reservoir in one of the rooms. I'll just be a few minutes." 

"The First Order isn't just good at building death machines," he says, an expression I can't quite place on his face. Amusement? Maybe. "You'll be taking over Hux's old rooms. There's a shower in there with a constant stream of hot water. Are you sure you want to go back to the base?"

Hot water! I can't believe that's the argument that's going to end up moving me onto this ship in the end, but it is. I haven't had much experience with creature comforts in my life. Most of it I've been desperate to find drinking water and gone without bathing for long periods. Since leaving Jakku, I've had the luxury of more frequent water, enough to properly clean with. I nod, and he motions me to follow. 

The ship isn't as quiet on the inside as it is outside. Electricity buzzes through the panels, and the sounds of great machines ticking and whirring are audible above the corridor we walk through. Occasionally, we pass a block of closely spaced doors and the murmur of voices can be heard through the metal. Ben put most of his clothing on outside, and his boots clomp on the floor.

"You're never going to sneak up on anyone with those boots." 

He grins. "Why would I need to do that?" 

"Your enemies will hear you from a mile away with all of that stomping." 

"It's better that I'm heard on this ship."

"Why?"

"These soldiers are scared to death of me. It only seems fair to warn them of my approach." 

I try not to react to this admission. Everyone is scared of him, even his own people. But I'm not. I'm afraid of what happens to me when I'm with him. I'm terrified of how my body reacts to him. I become pliant and illogical the closer he gets to me. And when his arms are around me I cannot think. I certainly can't defend myself. Does he know? How long can I push him away? How long before I have to explain why I have to force myself out of his arms in fear that I will become lost if I don't? That I will have no control over my actions, and that the loss of control terrifies me? 

There's time, I'm sure of it. But I don't know how much.

He leads me to a set of etched glass doors that whisk open at his approach. 

"I'll figure out how to authorize you as soon as I can. It won't take me long to hunt down one of the systems administrators. Until then, stay here. It's probably better if you do, anyway. I need time to explain your presence to the crew."

"How do you plan to explain me?" I'm worried I'm not safe here. Even if he does tell them to leave me alone. 

"I haven't figured that out yet. But they'll listen, especially when I tell them you have the same use of the Force I do. And rumors of your escape months ago have spread. They know you convinced that guard to unlock you and give you his weapon. You're much more powerful since that happened." 

The good old days. I snort out a laugh and Ben startles at the sound. 

He frowns at me and leads me into Hux's quarters. "I'll have your staff bring you clothing. Through there is the bathroom." He points to the left. "Enjoy your hot shower. I'll be back with some food and news about how the soldiers received their new directives. Stay here. No one but I can come into these rooms."

"What happens now?" 

"We take your ship where you direct us," he says. 

I nod, completely overwhelmed by what's happened on this day, and watch him replace his helmet and stalk out of the room, Kylo Ren once again.