Two Sides

Interlude #4

She doesn't look behind to see if he's following. If she can feel him as strongly as he can feel her, she doesn't need to. He keeps a healthy distance. She's doing some kind of cathartic pacing, and he's not sure he should interrupt. She finally stops and turns to face him. They've moved a considerable distance from the ship. It's a small black blotch in the distance now, not intimidating anymore. 

"Tell me how you came here. The last time you contacted me, you said Hux was going to shoot this planet with that weapon and destroy it. But here we are." 

"Hux had a bit of an accident and I'm now in command of the ship. I revoked his order." 

Her brows furrow in thought. "An accident?"

"Yes, it was quite tragic. He felt compelled to vent himself out an airlock." 

Unperturbed, she nods. "I can't say I'll miss him." 

The corners of his mouth move up, ever so slightly. "I sure won't. He was a bastard." 

She glances behind him at the ship. His soldiers won't hold forever as they are, but he's got at least half a day before any of them dare to come out of their quarters. 

"You can't just wish me away now, Rey." He keeps his voice even and quiet. 

"What makes you think I want you to leave?"

"Well, you walked away from me." 

"I see that stopped you." 

"I've been waiting to be with you in person for a long time. I think those Force connections were too metaphysical to be completely real. I can't help myself. I know you feel that," he stops and motions between them, "that tugging. I'm never going to be able to get away from you. And if one of us die, I think the other will feel the binding snap and lose their grounding." 

 She closes her eyes. He can see the conflict in her. He doesn't know how this ends. He doesn't know if she has it in her to chose him, despite their history, despite the fact that he's a monster in her eyes. The last time he kissed her she got away from him as quickly as possible, and he's screwed up ever since then by trying to make her do what he wants. But he hopes. It's a foreign feeling, this tiny little bud of possibility. He has no idea what a future with her in it would look like, but he's willing to do anything to make it happen. 

"Are you afraid of me?" he says, very softly. She nods, and his heart sinks. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not afraid of you, exactly," she clarifies. "I'm afraid of . . . "

He waits. Her eyes are still closed. Her dark lashes flutter above her cheeks. Her lips are pressed together in a worried line. A tendril of  hair has come loose and curls on her cheek. He reaches for it and when she doesn't pull away, runs his fingers down the length of it and tucks it behind her ear. She catches his hand in her own and presses his palm against her face. 

He's barely breathing, afraid to break this spell. Her skin is so warm and soft beneath his fingers he wants to move his hands and pull her close. But he waits. He told her to make a decision. He's almost certain she understands what he meant. But she's rejected him so many times in the past. He's ready for another. He'll keep trying until one of them is dead. It seems like a grim fate, but he doesn't think he'll ever get her out of his mind. 

"Ben?"

"Yes?"

"What's been happening can't continue. The First Order can't keep trying to stamp out the rebellion. They have to learn to co-exist." 

He's surprised the conversation went this way, but he doesn't care. He's done with the First Order. If she wants to hate them, she's welcome to. 

"That's why I brought you a gift." 

He splays his fingers out, reaching across her cheek and behind the back of her neck simultaneously. She's scrutinizing him again, looking for the catch. He has to convince her, to earn her trust. 

"What gift?"

"The ship." 

Her eyes widened in shock. "What game are you playing?"

"I want to show you that I mean what I'm saying. I don't think you're listening to me. I disposed of Hux. I refused to follow First Order directives and brought an incapacitated ship and laid it at your feet. Rey, let me prove to you that I've changed my mind. That I can change. If you let me." 

He circles his other arm around her and tugs her against him. He waits for her to stop him, but when it doesn't come, he presses his lips against hers. His knees almost buckle when he realizes that not only did she not punch him in the face for kissing her, but she's kissing him back. And she's not timid, but eager and searching and hungry, just like he is. 

She pulls away from him with a jolt, as if she suddenly remembered who she was with and finally had the good sense to be horrified. He releases her immediately. Her hand flies up to her mouth, covering her kiss-flushed lips. 

"What are we doing?" she says. He thinks she's saying this to herself more than asking a question, so he keeps his mouth closed and concentrates on not touching her, even though every fiber of his being wants to be as close to her as possible. This small amount of air between them feels like a vast chasm. 

"Would you like to see you new ship?" 

Her eyes flick back to it again, and then to him. Don't look menacing, he reminds himself. Look happy. He's not sure what his face looks like if he smiles. Probably like a grimace, if the muscles even work after such a long period of disuse. She nods and sets off toward the starkiller. He falls into step beside her, wondering what will happen next.