Two Sides

The How

"I've never been so glad to see sand in my entire life." 

I stumble out of the lake, my legs filled with lead, and drop onto the coarse beach. Ben drags the raft ashore, and pulls on his abandoned clothing. We're both shivering so hard our teeth are chattering. He pockets his waterlogged lightsaber, hooks his arms under mine, and heaves me up. 

"Water," he says, gesturing a shaky hand toward the trees.

"No." I try to tug away from him, intent on lying down in the sand and sleeping, but he won't let go of me. 

"Now." His commander voice is back, and I snap back to the present with the order.

"Fine," I grumble, moving stiffly up the sand. My clothing is heavy and plastered to my skin. 

Somehow, we make it to the stream, tripping and stumbling the entire way. We both drop and drink as much as we can tolerate. Neither of us anticipated the amount of time we'd be gone. I lay back and close my eyes, still shaking. 

"Clothing off," he says, already tugging at the wet fabric. 

"It'll dry eventually." 

I don't have the energy to fight him. He peals away the sodden garments, washes them in the stream, and orders me to drink more water. Then he collects the laundry, tucks me tight against him, and walks us back to the hut. 

The recent addition of a mud fireplace and a little chimney in anticipation of colder weather are a welcome sight. I curl up into a ball and shiver while Ben starts a raging fire. I crawl as close as I dare hold out my still-pruny hands, wishing I could ingest the warmth. Ben wraps his arms around me, and I slowly return to normal temperature. 

"Too bad we couldn't bring my friend along," he says.

"Why?"

"Can you imagine how many meals we could get out of that thing?"

"Yuck." 

"Hunger is the best seasoning. I bet it would taste amazing roasted over the fire." 

"Do you think anyone will pick up that signal?" 

"If they're looking. You might still have friends left. If they're coming for me, they will most definitely not be anyone we want to respond. And of course, a scavenger or a pirate could respond, hoping for a big find." 

"But it works? You fixed it?"

"For a while. The power will drain out eventually. Then we'll have to go charge it up again."

I look at him in horror. "I'm not going back into that lake."

He plants a kiss on my cheek and tightens his hold. "It wasn't so bad. We're not dead, and the beacon is active. Now that we know what's out there, we can prepare." 

"How can we prepare for that?"

"You killed it. You can do it again." 

"I have no idea how I did that." 

"That's starting to be a trend. You need to train to use your Force. You can't just keep exploding and depending on instinct. It works, but you use a lot more energy than you need to. Tell me what you did."

"I panicked, decided I was likely going to die one way or the other, and that you were definitely going to die, let the Force flood through me like a torrent, and killed it." 

"I understand all those points but the last. Please elaborate." 

I wriggle out of his arms and place my back to the fireplace, hugging my knees. "You know that thing you do where you grab somebody by the neck and squeeze?"

He cocks an eyebrow. "The Force choke. I'm good at it." 

"I was aiming for something like that, but I ended up over-extending and reaching through its eye with the Force. I think I punched straight through and squeezed its brain." I shiver, acknowledging how disgusting and horrifying it was to watch all of the creature's inky black blood spill into the water.

"If you had control you could have used the Force to punch it in the eye and it likely would have released me. Were you trying not to kill it?"

"Not consciously, no. It seems like every time I use the Force, I kill things." I look up to find a curious expression on his face. "I don't want to kill," I murmur.

"There often isn't a choice. I appreciate the intervention. I didn't want to be lunch for that beast."

"Well. Hopefully we don't have to go back out. You know, if we could get the ship to shore, I could fix the beacon and a whole lot more."

"You'll need to practice using the Force in intentional ways if you want to have any hope in a task that big. You know, I could teach you."

I groan. "Not again." 

"It seems I know more about Jedi training than you. Since I can't repair my lightsaber here, we're going to be fighting with staves anyway. You have some ability there, but a Force enhancement would greatly help." 

I try not to look suspicious. Ben is right that he is far more advanced in his use of the Force. And he's had much more training with Luke than I did. In some ways, he is closer to a Jedi than I am. That thought makes me smile, and he looks at me with suspicion in return.

"Do you doubt I can teach you?" he says quietly.

"No, of course not. I just don't want you trying to teach me to use the dark side."

He chuckles. "And yet you draw from it."

"What?"

"Twice now, in significant amounts. On the ship, and when you killed that creature. You use your light side, don't worry, but you use the other, too. Had you completed Jedi training, they would have crushed that tendency out of you in any way they could. You would have been left weak, wielding only the light side and crippled as a result. If you now learned to meditate, to strip yourself of emotion, and to deny yourself certain," he pauses, leaning forward to kiss me below my ear along my jawline, drawing an involuntary noise from deep within, "pleasures, you might be able to use your light side well. But I don't think that's what you want. It's not who you are." 

I reach out and grab hold of the front of his tunic, tugging him close. "Let's talk about this tomorrow."