Fate ~ Shawn Mendes

Chapter 18

Fingers traced my scalp and rubbed gently against my head, my hair creating a perfect balance of tension and pleasure as I started awake from my slumber.
"Morning." A light voice mumbled.
My eyes opened to reveal a tired looking Shawn looking down at me with his hazel coloured eyes. He gave me a weak smile as he continued to massage my head and his other hand held his phone whilst his arm rested on my hip.
"Good morning." I yawned causing Shawn to yawn too. I rolled over from my side to lay on my back, me legs resting over Shawn who was sat up right, in the same position I remember him being in last night. "You didn't sleep last night. Did you?" I was worried to ask but I knew I had to.
Shawn's smile fades and looks down at his phone screen, locking it before looking back at me and letting out a sigh of thought.
"No, no I didn't." He shook his head.
The silence was threatening to me, the longer it went on the more scared I became.
"I was just..." Shawn stopped talking and looked across the room and swallowing. "Thinking." He finished after a few seconds more silence, a few seconds more threatening.
"Thinking?" I asked and he smiled as a response. "About what?" I said before licking my dry lips to moisture them.
Shawn chuckled and brought his hand to his mouth, gently biting his index fingernail.
"What?" I smiled to ease the tension.
"You." He said putting his hand down on his thigh. "I was thinking about you."
The room fell silent again and his stare was burning holes. I could feel myself tense and I shifted uncomfortably in the couch, sitting up and bringing my knees to my chest.
"What do you mean?" I hesitantly asked avoiding his eye contact.
Shawn let out a huff, one of frustration and I couldn't help but feel he was angry at me.
"Clara, your an amazing person. Your driven and passionate and know exactly what your doing and where you want to go yet your also this young and innocent girl whose lost in the woods." I looked up at him through my long eyelashes and saw him contently looking at me.
"I don't want to change you." He stayed before turning away and breaking our eye contact. "I don't want to ruin you."
He looked back at me and I felt my eyes start to water and I blinked rapidly to stop the tears falling down my face.
"Is this about last night?" I quietly muttered hoping he wouldn't hear me but he did.
"Partly." He admitted. "This whole time I've known you, you've been so different to any girl I've been with and I wanted to see what the future held for us."
"Wanted?" I picked up on how he started talking in the past tense.
Shawn tilted his head at me in sadness.
"Shawn I don't know what you want me to say?"
"I just want to us to be honest with each other, just for a moment." He whispered as if his harsh voice would damage me. "Clara I want to be intimate with you." Shawn kind of blurted it out, in a way he forced himself to say it not wanting to hold it back any longer. His hand had moved to my calf holding a tight grip as if I would blow away from the gently breeze breaking in from the cracked open window in the kitchen. "Your not just some girl to me Clara. My gravity and oxygen shifted to you as soon as I saw you laying on the ground in your dressing room, I couldn't bare to lose you. I can't bare to lose you."
Penny in the air.
"You want honesty?" I questioned.
"Yes." He replied with desperation in his voice.
I thought for a moment, licking my lips again hoping that it would allow the words to slip from my mouth.
"I'm scared of losing you." I admitted. "We've grown so close to fast that if we move any faster I feel that I'll run out of breath and you'll keep running. Running without me. It sounds so stupid out loud, maybe even stupid in my head but I really like you Shawn, really like you. I'm scared that if I do something wrong or disappoint you that you'll leave me when the reality is, your all I have."
Penny dropped.