Letting Love In

Chapter 2, Part 1

JONNY AND I didn't really have much bonding time. I was closest to everyone else in the group besides Jonny to be honest. I always though his only significance in our group was to give us a good laugh -- he obviously made it clear that he was not a laughing stock, but even so, we continued to jest and he continued to play with us.

I think he liked us. There is no other reason why he'd just never leave us even after our constant children's bullying. I didn't like talking to him much, granted I didn't like talking much at all, I would much rather be quiet and just play. While everyone else were delved into their conversations about how 'sick' their grade school days were, I'd just laugh along (or fake laugh) and nod my head. I'd never really add. Jonny was talkative. He liked to add to the conversations even if we'd constantly laugh at what he had to say. But he had more courage than me -- I couldn't even bring myself to talk to the group.

And I'm still like that. I still can't handle a proper conversation with these guys -- not even Rian. She'd try with me but that's basically it. When I don't feel like talking, I won't. Jonny is also the same. He just goes on and on and on about his time and his life and then he asks about us and what we've been doing and its like he doesn't stop.

I mean, I don't really care because he's a friend, a friend that as gone for some time. He missed so many summers with us; its good to hear him again. And its great that he didn't bear a grudge.

Then the bell rings for the end of lunch and we have to separate again. And it sucks because I really feel extremely alone now. I have no one in my classes. Granted, they would have just all been distracting me, but sometimes I'd think of a really funny joke in the middle of class and I'd have no one to tell it to, because I'm not like those other students who can talk really loudly in class and have the rest of the body laugh at their joke. When I even think of going to say something out loud, it feels as though my confidence level just dropped by a thousand times. Maybe I'm crazy, but my mind makes me feel as though everyone is judging me and everyone would comment and react to what comes out of my mouth. I'm not narcissistic, and I think everyone is always thinking and caring about me because I'm the perfect human being, its all because I'm completely imperfect. And everyone else only cares that I'm imperfect and I have flaws.

Yes, I think I am crazy.

I spend the rest of the day in silence -- allowing my mind to wander. I didn't want to speak up in class, more than usual, I didn't want to even look up to the teacher, fearing that if I do make eye contact, she'd chose me to do something, which I do not want. Somehow, I made it though the remainder of the school day. Somehow, I survived.

Now I get to see my friends again. I get to meet up with Rian and Squirrel and Esther, and now, physically enhanced Jonny. I kept my eyes on him for a while as I walked to them. Its insane how much he's changed. He looks so strong now, and tall and handsome. Where's the little kid in oversized clothes and a clownish grin?

They were all standing around at the gate, waiting for me. It made me feel good about myself. A part if me thinks that they'd grow weary and some time they'd just leave me, and its amazing that they never once did. Sometimes I think I worry too much.

I've never actually cared as a child growing up, I think. As a matter of fact, I know. I don't remember being this way in grade school. Yes, I was shy and I needed to come out of my shell a bit more, but I wasn't this way. I wasn't as paranoid and most likely out of my mind. I've spent hours upon end just sitting and staring trying to figure out what changed. What happened to the fun loving, playful kid that was okay with talking in crowds and in class?

As of now, however, I'm trying to smile at my friends and pretend I'm not having a conflict within myself. I looked around at them and continued to smile. Rian wrapped her arm around me then pecked my cheek. "Babe, Esther and I are going shopping today," she beamed then moved from me to cling onto Esther's arm. "You guys can hang out and catch up, or whatever boys do on their free time." She and Esther began to laugh at that and it was beyond me what the hell they were laughing at but I just nodded my head, hoping the conversation would end.

"Squirrel, are you giving us a lift?" Esther asked. Squirrel was the only one of us who owned a car. We'd usually walk to and fro school -- I don't get why his parents decided to get him a car. We've been walking since I can remember school. The walk wasn't very far and everyone lived close by. It was fun walking home from school, with a group of people we don't even know, but would talk and laugh along with. Its just how kids are -- kids don't care. There would be about fifteen of us, all waking in the same direction to go home, all talking over each other and making the world of noise causing the adults and elders in the neighborhood to come out and try to hush us up. Nothing worked. We were too excited about... Well I don't even know what the hell we were so excited for. Everything was exciting back then. It was good back then.

"Yeah, sure." Squirrel shrugged carelessly. Esther and Rian squealed in the most girly manner ever -- which is something they don't do. I gave them a suspicious look, along with Squirrel, who had his eyebrows crinkled. The girls didn't seem to notice our stares, although it was plainly obvious. They weren't very subtle about their liking for Jonny.

For the entire time during lunch with Jonny they were more giggly and blushy. There was actually a conversation during lunch today that involved basically Jonny asking the girls questions about themselves and all they did was smile and giggle and answer in extremely high-pitched voices. It was really something to behold. I don't know how I feel about my girlfriend acting that way around another guy, but at the same time, I trust them both, so there shouldn't be any feelings of animosity. I know Jonny would never do anything like that and same for Rian. She likes me, not him... Right?

"I gotta get home, anyway. My stepdad wants to have a guys night in with me. Which I find really stupid, since its Friday and I should be with my friends, but whatever." He waved his hand as he ranted as though what he was saying wasn't important. He always does that -- make himself seem unimportant. Its like me, but not. I don't do that to myself, well, I don't speak about myself, so I can't do that to myself.

"So how would you get home then?" I asked them.

"We'll figure something out." Rian said.

"I don't like how that sounds." I replied. Our neighborhood isn't flustered with crime. Its pretty normal. I won't say its a perfect community with daisies and butterflies all the time, but the crimes are usually small, like a rebel teenager shoplifting or.. Well that's it. All we have are petty thieves around here, and that usually happens once every blue moon. But still, I wouldn't want Rian to be robbed, nor Esther. I care for them.

"Trust me, we'll be fine." Esther said and before I could say anything, Rian had already pecked my cheek and was heading into Squirrel's car. The girls said goodbye to Jonny and Squirrel drove off before they could finish their parting speeches -- it really did seem like that -- and then there were two.