Letting Love In

Chapter 8, Part 1

MY EYES REMAINED on my old, black Converse shoes as I walked down the street. This morning, before I left the house, I stared into the mirror and I frowned. I looked way too pale and there seemed to be a permanent frown painted on my face. In addition to that already horrifying reflection, I also noticed I still had that bruise from when I was punched in the face from Jonny. His had already healed and went away, but mine seemed to remain -- probably because he punched me so much harder than I have ever imagined. My hair was ruffled and uncombed and I didn't do anything to change it. My eyes looked sleepy although I woke up about twenty-five minutes before. I wanted to stay at home for the rest of the year, but I'm certain my parents would never allow that, so I dragged myself down the stairs and out the door.

Now I'm dragging myself into the school compound. My head was low, unlike when I'm with my friends, and I hold my head up high and stare straight ahead because I know they won't allow anything to happen to me. It's weird, not having them with me. But I guess when I mess things up really bad I should have expected something like this.

I miss them. I don't even get what Rian's angry about. Why isn't she speaking to me? Why did she chose to ignore me like the rest of them? I did nothing to her -- well to her face. I feel horrible for treating her the way I did, even though she wasn't aware of it. God, she has every right to be mad. It would be okay if they told her what was going on. She deserves to know the truth.

I don't even know if any of them know. I think Esther probably does. She seemed like she does. Jonny told her. I'm certain he did. They're almost best friends now -- ever since she came out to us at the river, they've been so close to each other. They have this newfound similarity, and so they are best friends. It sucks to be honest. Esther was mine. Why did he come and take her away, completely. I still feel the need to blame him for all of this.

After sitting in Additional Mathematics class and thinking some stuff through, I realize I should talk to Rian. I realized sitting and waiting for her to find out isn't exactly the best way to go and I'd come off as more of an asshole. I just don't want to lose her as a friend. She's the first friend I ever had and the nicest one.

Rian has never kicked me for no reason, or called me names or allow her older relatives to pick on me. She wasn't the friendliest of people but she wasn't mean either. And even now, when she's become so popular with the perfect body and perfect hair and boys falling over for her, she's still the same humble person I grew up with and grown to love. She doesn't deserve me.

I walk quickly down the halls to her classroom door just before the bell signalling the end of class rang. I stood at the side of the door for a while and watched as the students piled out of the classroom, until I saw Rian and I quickly shot out my hand and pulled her to me. She basically fell into my chest but smiled at me afterward.

"Oh wow. I haven't seen you in forever!" she exclaimed while pushing me back, away from the crowd of students coming out of the classrooms and walking down the halls. I kept my hands on her shoulder to keep her away from me -- I didn't need her leaning in to kiss me or whatever. She seems happy to see me, which obviously means she doesn't know anything.

"Yeah.." I muttered.

"What's wrong? And where did you get this bruise-" she touched it and I winced "-you didn't even tell me the first time I asked." I held her wrist to remove her hand from close to my face and she stared at me. At that moment she realized something was up. I imagine my face being like not-the-time-for-that and she completely got the message.

"What's going on?" she asked me.

"Why haven't you called me? Or came by? Or even stopped me in the halls?" I asked her. Everything was clear now. No rushing students trying to get to lunch anymore. There are one or two still lingering the halls but that doesn't bother us much.

"I thought something was wrong-"

"So you kept away?"

"So I gave you space! What the hell!" No no no. I'm doing this wrong. I don't want her to shout. When people shout they get angry and when they get angry, word vomit happens. And perhaps they wanted to say those things all along, and honestly, I don't think I want to hear the things Rian has to say from since kids. I've pushed her around a fair share, if I'm being frank.

I motioned for her to lower her voice with my hand then just to make sure she gets it, I placed my index finger on my lips, like what was done back in kindergarten when the students were too rowdy -- finger on their lips, to keep them closed.

"Okay, well I'm sorry for.. Disappearing on you. I should have told you what was going on." I replied. Rian tilted her head to the side and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. I bit my bottom lip. She's going to ask what was going on and I'll have no idea how to tell her what I really came here to tell her. So before she does, I asked, "Have you seen the others recently?"

"Yeah, all the time. Where have you been? It's as though you're dodging us." I licked my lips. How am I going to say this? I looked around. There were students behind the wall inside the classroom, who could probably be listening to us. There is a teacher in the next class who also could be listening to us. Any one of our friends could come up here in search of Rian and find us -- well find me. This is horrible. Why didn't I plan this out? Why didn't I take her somewhere private? But there isn't anywhere private in this school. Everywhere is open, and I don't even have a car. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

She was staring at me. I have to say something. But I can't say it here. I looked down the hall then up the hall. Students were still lingering. I grabbed ahold of her wrist and began to walk, looking for a vacant classroom. I took her down the stairs and she didn't complain, much to my surprise. I pushed the door open to the first classroom after the stairs and was lucky enough to find it empty. A sigh of relief went past my lips. I closed the door while she walked in and took a seat.

"What the hell is going on?" She asked me. She wanted to sound angry, I know she did, but she didn't look it. She looked relaxed and I think relieved as well, though I can't imagine why. Its a good thing though, that she's like this. She probably would take everything well. I took a seat beside her in one of the double benches, and stared ahead.

"Well are you going to speak?" She asked.

"Yeah..." I muttered. The last class that was in this room was Geography. On the white board there was a teacher's drawing of a volcano, and the different parts of it. Below the drawing were words, explaining the types of volcanic lava -- basic and acidic. Basic Lava contains small amount of silica, while Acidic is obviously the opposite. I also read that Basic lava is quiet, without much explosive activity, meanwhile Acidic lava is very explosive volcanic activity. That was all I could read before I looked across at her.

She wasn't reading the board. Her eyes were on the desk in front of her. I blinked down, but didn't read any of the markings the students wrote, I just began to speak, and Rian looked up at me with a confused expression and I knew I'll probably be alone for the rest of the year because now all of my friends hate me.