Letting Love In

Chapter 7, Part 3

Bisexuality

Noun
1.   (botany) Of a flower, the state of being bisexual.
2.   (of humans or other animals) The state of being sexually or romantically attracted to members of either sex.

THAT'S ME, RIGHT? The second definition? Is it? I'm not attracted to other guys though, just Jonny. I'm certain I'm into girls. I've had girlfriends in the past. I look at girls now and find them hot -- I'm definitely into girls. Its just the guys part of it I don't get. Well I don't understand within myself.

Its just Jonny. Its just Jonny I feel like I have to have. He's infiltrated my mind and I can't stop thinking  of him and wanting him and wanting him to want me. Its his fault I'm questioning anything right now. Why did he even tell me he was gay? Why did he constantly push himself into my life? Yes, we grew up together, but that doesn't mean we were destined to be besties. He should have stopped. If he'd just stopped I wouldn't be in this situation.

And what is Rian even going to say? I have to tell her. I cheated on her. With a guy. She'll feel horrible. I know it, and then that'll be another person who'll hate me. My parents too would hate me. What would they say to a gay--bisexual son? That I've kissed a guy already -- made out with a guy already. I have feelings for a guy. I want to be with another guy. God, it sounds weird even in my mind.

"How was school?" My dad's voice snapped out of my thoughts and I stared at my father. His plain grey eyes scanned my face, probably trying to understand the confused look on his son's face. I flashed him an awkward smile and stared down at my books on the table in front of me. Dad's home today. Mom's not.

My dad and I don't usually have the best and longest conversations, but I don't have long conversations with everyone. I ran my finger along a line of words in the text book and pretended to read it, because my mind was so far away I could barely even concentrate.

"Hey, you listening?"

"Yeah. School was great." School was horrible. Obviously. What do you expect from the day after you out two of your best friends? I avoided everyone because I was certain they wouldn't talk to me if I walked up to them, and I really didn't need that type of embarrassment. And it was fairly simple to do. I share none of the classes with the others and it would be simple to just ignore them at lunch. I ate in my homeroom class with the teacher, and had a not-so-bad conversation. She told me about a song she heard from our generation that she felt was too vulgar and if she had a choice she would never allow her children to be brought up in a world like this. I simply nodded and ate my sandwich, but I sort of understood where she was coming from.

I blinked a couple times and looked back to my father. He was still staring at me with one of his bushy eyebrows cocked up. He saw right through me. He could tell I was lying. I know. "You know you can tell me anything, okay?" He said. I nodded quickly. "Yes, of course. School was okay."

"Are you being bullied?" he asked me and my eyes widened. I allowed myself to let out a laugh and I shook my head at him. Bullying is completely off the table. I'm not the bravest man alive, and the students in school are aware of that, but bullying really isn't a problem. Granted, yes, I get called a few names once every semester, but that's really it. I don't mind it nor care for it. I have my friends.

Well, I had my friends. And they would defend me without a second thought, and vice versa, obviously, although I didn't make quite an impression on bullies. They'd look me up and down then dump us all in the trash. Our 'getting bullied' days were back in elementary school, when Brandon the Big Bad Bully (I'm certain that's the name his mother gave him at birth) would try to rule recess time, with his big bad friends. I hated bullies and I never wanted to stand for it, but I was way smaller than them, so I had to succumb, and telling an adult is never a good choice. Brandon was supposed to be in high school, that's why he was so huge over us, but he got held back a lot of times -- probably because he spends the majority of his time formulating horrendous plans for smaller kids. He was mean, meaner than Emmanuel at that. I don't really know what became of Brandon, but a part of me still fears him. Yes, I've grown up and I know he can't hurt me, but him hurting me has been trained to my mind. I don't know any different. Its like Emmanuel, and so I prefer to ignore them at all cost. After all, how can you convince a loyal dog that his owner is abusive toward him, even if the marks are proof. You can't.

Maybe I am wimpy. For thinking like that. Maybe I am a coward. I'm in no definition of the word, brave. I am a coward. I'm afraid of people like Emmanuel and Brandon, although I'm almost positive they can't hurt me anymore; I'm afraid of my parents and my friends; I'm afraid of this neighborhood I live in. I'm afraid to even admit to myself, or anyone else that there is a possibility that I'm bisexual, that I have more-than-a-friend feelings for Jonny Cooper.

And whose fault is it that I am that way? I don't know. Is it mine? Should I have learned to become brave as a youngster? Or was that the responsibility of my parents? Was it my father's job to teach me to not fear... Well everything. Perhaps, it is, as Harry said, the world's fault. Perhaps growing in such a cold world has made me a coward because I'm completely aware that facing the world is too scary, so I simply back down.

I don't know.

"No." I finally replied to my father. "Bullying is the last of my worries."

"Good. You know how to handle bullies, don't you?" he asked me. I frowned then blinked down at my open textbook. I looked up at him and stared into his eyes, and lied, "Yes. Of course, dad."