Letting Love In

Chapter 6, Part 1

I WOKE UP the next morning. I yawned. I sat up. I thought. And thought. I didn't check the time, but I knew I was late. My mother is supposed to be up before me, and so is my dad, but they are both usually still asleep when the morning comes. I got off my bed and stood in my room. I stared around; my bureau I had since I was a kid, when I had to stand on my bed just to see myself in the mirror, my study desk and chair, with scattered papers and books, and my open laptop, my basket of dirty clothes, that's pretty much over flowing, but I don't really care -- I always forget to carry that for my mom when she's doing laundry -- my closed door, another smaller table on the left wall, then finally the window.

The window was closed down, with the blinds drawn. I couldn't risk it. My eyes remained there for a while and part of me actually hoped the wind would blow back the blinds -- in some weird twist of faith -- so I could at least see if he's in there. I wonder is he's staring across here, wondering about me? Or has he left for school already? Or maybe he's nude in his bedroom again. Maybe he's getting dressed still.

I stood in the room for a while, contemplating. I can't pull back those blinds. They would remain closed until I understand what's really going on with me. I need to understand properly what the hell Jonny Cooper did to me. For a minute I swear it felt as thought my heart beat quickened by the mention of his name.

Jonny Cooper.

He doesn't even have a nice name. What sort of name is Jonny? His name doesn't match his face at all. His name should have been something better than Jonny. And what's with his last name? Cooper? I scoffed out loud.

I think that small movement reminded me that I was still standing at my bed and staring at my closed window. I cleared my throat awkwardly, although no one was here, then moved away to get to the bathroom.

I showered. The shower was cold.
I scrubbed. I felt like I had to scrub my head just to get the thoughts out. All the thoughts about everything -- about last night. I can't even begin to fathom what was going through my head last night. What did I plan to do? Kiss him? Why? I'm not gay. I just. I was staring at him and he was close and it felt like something that should have happened, like waking up in the morning and brushing your teeth, or counting down until New Years Day then screaming when it actually happens; if you don't do it, its just not the same. That's what it felt like last night. And now its not the same and I don't known what to do about it.

I left the house after completing my morning routine, plus a mental evaluation with myself at the kitchen table. It lasted about five minutes, and after that, I was out the door. I automatically looked across to his place, like some kind of magnetic force was pulling my eyes to over there and I didn't even resist.

"Okay, younger folks, how have you been?" Harry asked as he continued to walk around the table, as he usually does. I wonder if his feet hurt from all that walking around. Granted, he does sit during the class, and any where he feels like, but the majority of the afternoon he's walking around.

Everyone's here today; Lee, Squirrel, Esther, Jonny and myself. Squirrel and Esther are obviously paying attention -- I think they pay attention for all of us -- and I think Lee and Jonny are having a secret conversation, although Harry sees and hears everything. And I'm just day dreaming. Or at least I'm trying to. I can't help but listen to what Harry's saying.

"You guys still aren't talking." He sighed then took a seat right beside me. I kept my head facing front and tried not to look at him. But how could I not if he's right beside me? I hate having adults -- teachers especially -- this close to me. It makes me feel awkward, as though they are judging me.

"You never talk, you know that. I would hear a peep from Jonny, something from Brian and Esther, and Lee is.. Well Lee is Lee. But I've never heard you. I don't think I even know what your voice sounds like." He wasn't speaking loudly, but he also wasn't speaking softly either. My eyes went to Jonny and Lee who were laughing softly and I couldn't help but wonder what exactly they were laughing at. Was it me? He seemed to be so captivated by what she was saying -- what was she saying? His smile was gorgeous. I liked when he smiles. He barely ever smiles around me, so seeing it now is kind of really nice. I stared. And stared. Until Harry interrupted.

"What is he? Your crush? Boyfriend?"

"What? Why would you ask that?" I replied then looked around the room to make sure no one was actually listening in. Jonny was lost in conversation with Lee and now Squirrel and Esther were talking. What the hell is Harry doing? Isn't he supposed to be interacting with the class -- and by class I mean not just me.

"Does he like you back?" Harry asked, ignoring everything I just said. I stared at him. What the hell am I supposed to say? How can I let him move on? He continued to stare at me, waiting for a reply.

"Look, I'm not gay, okay. I don't like him." I said. Harry furrowed his eyebrows but then nodded his head and got up from the chair. He walked around the table and took a seat next to Jonny and my heart beat fastened. What the hell is he going to say? I watched as Harry began speaking to Jonny and Lee turned away. Crap. Now its private. Jonny looked across at Harry and he smiled then nodded his head. Harry said something then Jonny nodded again. I bit my bottom lip nervously. Jonny looked down and shook his head then he rose his head again. His eyes met mine.

Oh crap. What's going on? Jonny's eyes remained on mine and I couldn't look away. Harry stood up and walked away, leaving just Jonny and I opposite each other and staring. What did Harry say? What happened to privacy?

"Okay, let's continue."