Letting Love In

Chapter 7, Part 2

"HOW COULD YOU tell him?!" Esther shouted across the table, she looked like she was ready to crawl across and beat me to the ground. I flinched slightly at the boisterousness of her voice. "You asshole! I thought I could have trusted you."

"Esther-" I couldn't tell if that was my voice finally coming up from my larynx or if it was Harry trying to contain her. Esther was standing and leaning against the table, probably to reach across at me and rip my throat out, but the table sat obnoxiously between us. Jonny was trying to calm her down, but Esther's raging eyes were on me as she shouted at me. Squirrel looked confused and shocked, but he remained silently seated, Lee was the same and Harry just stood watching.

"No! I fucking trusted you! I thought you were my friend! How could you do something like that?" She exclaimed then threw a pen at me, which I instantly moved away from -- I could have been stabbed, where the hell is Harry and why isn't he doing anything about it?

"Why do you immediately suspect me?" I mustered up.

"Because you're the only snake that would do something like that! Jonny would never-"

"Why? Because he's gay too?"

"Dude, what the fuck?" that was Jonny speaking.

"And there you fucking go again! For god sakes can you keep your mouth shut for just once?" Esther questioned with a disgusted look on her face. "And honestly, you should be the last fricking person on the earth to be calling out people's sexuality. So before you throw rocks check your own damn glass windows." I furrowed my eyebrows for a moment, trying to understand the phrase, but she already began to walk to the door angrily. Jonny followed her and I stared at him go.

I bit my bottom lip softly and looked back at the table. I glared at Squirrel. "Why did you put that?"

"What?"

"You could have written anything, in the entire damn world, and you decided to write that! I told you not to tell!" I said to him.

"Fuck you." Squirrel scoffed then picked up his stuff -- his phone off the table -- to leave. I stared at him as he walked to the door. What the hell is going on? Now its just Lee and I, and Harry, of course, who just watched the entire thing play out as though he isn't the instructor. I swallowed dryly then slowly took a seat again.

"Great.." I whispered to myself. They all hate me. Everyone knows Esther likes girls, and I outed Jonny at the same time. They do hate me. They all hate me. I stared down at my hands and kept my eyes there for a while.

"I didn't want to be the one to say it but-"

"That's pretty fucked up." Lee interrupted. I signed softly and put my hand in my palms.

"That's just something you don't do, son." Harry said. "Especially in a position like yours."

"What's my position? What's that supposed to mean?" I asked him.

"You know exactly what that means." Harry was sitting now, looking patient and at peace, which is strange considering what just happened. I blinked back at the door.

"Yeah, but how do you know?" I furrowed my brows.

Harry smiled then looked to Lee. "The looks you give him."

"You're always staring at him, always." Lee said with a smile, just like Harry's. That I-know-what-you're-hiding look. I pressed my lips together to form a thin line then looked down again.

"Sometimes you even smile. Its like you get lost in his... whatever you see in him." Lee scoffed. Is this real? Am I dreaming again? I pinched myself softly just to make sure I wasn't, and I'm actually going through this in reality.

"Look, the point is, she's right. You can't throw rocks without checking your glass windows."

"What the hell does that even mean?" I groaned.

"It means check yourself before you jump on others. Make sure your house is in order before you judge his house." I frowned as Harry spoke. I think I understand it and I feel like an idiot to be honest. But then I kind of don't.

Squirrel wanted to know. I didn't really have a choice but to tell him. He would have been confused. He's in love the girl and she likes girls. I couldn't sit and watch one of my best friends go through that. And Jonny well...

I don't know.

I don't even know how he feels about all of this. He's probably on Esther's side. He doesn't see it from my point of view. None of them do. I didn't really have a choice. Harry was staring at me now, and I felt a bit uncomfortable. I sighed softly and looked down for the hundredth time.

Even if that is true, I still don't feel great about myself. I feel like a klutz. Esther hates me. She's not really one to hate. She'll get angry then it'll all be cool the next day. That's how she is. But I think she's going to be mad for a while. She's going to hate me for a while. I outed her.

And the same goes for Jonny. Hell he definitely hates me. From the start he just didn't want people to know. He trusted me to keep his secret and I just blatantly spat it out to everyone here. I'm a screw up. He hates me. I don't want him to hate me.

Not now when I am just able to at least try to acknowledge my feelings for him. I kissed him. I made out with him in his bed. I can't just have him hate me now. I want more. I want more of him. Something's finally happening between us and he hates me. What am I to do now?

"Can I leave?" I asked Harry. He glanced at his wristwatch then shrugged his shoulders. He nodded to the door then flashed me a smile. "Thanks."

"Lee, you can go as well. Unless you want to remain here with me." Harry grinned. Lee shook her head. "No thanks. I'll leave." I actually smiled at that, and so did Harry. I grabbed up my phone and pushed my chair backwards. I left the building with Lee following behind me. I was hoping she doesn't speak, but she does and I groan inwardly. "You don't have to be ashamed. Its cool to be gay."

"I'm not gay." I said to her.

"You can be bisexual. Do you have feelings for girls?" She asked.

I groaned and without thinking I replied, "Can you just leave me? I don't want to think about it."

"The fact that you have to think about it says something."

"Ugh go. Just go." I grumbled like an old, annoyed man. Lee shrugged her shoulders then walked away from me, in the opposite direction I was going. I don't have to think about it. She's insane. I like girls. I find girls very attractive. I would make out with a girl just as much as I would make out with Jonny.

I stopped walking as realization came upon me. I'm not gay. I'm as Lee said; I'm bisexual... Or at least I think so.