Letting Love In

Chapter 8, Part 2

"SOMETHING HAPPENED." I started. How else am in supposed to start? What else is there to say? After saying that, I paused. I shouldn't tell her about what happened at the center. According to Harry, what happens there stays there. Which means the others shouldn't tell anyone what was said, which means I'm safe.

"And what is that?" Rian asked me and from my peripheral vision I saw she was looking at me, but my eyes were focused on the volcano in front of me.

"I think I -- no I did. I kissed someone else." I didn't want to look at her. My heart was pumping quicker than usual, and I swear I felt a drop of sweat run down my forehead. I looked at her. She had her eyebrows furrowed. She looked confused, but hurt at the same time.

"What do you mean? Like kiss, like how you kiss your mom or... Did.. Did you make out... With-" she stopped. The look on my face said it all. She nodded her head then looked away. I noticed her biting her bottom lip. I hope she doesn't cry. Please don't cry. Our relationship wasn't even that good to cry over. It was very platonic -- just like two friends who occasionally go out.

"Why?" she asked me, now looking at me. She didn't look like she as about to burst into tears. I knew she wouldn't have done it. Not here at least. Not with me sitting right in front of her. She's always been like that -- strong. Or at least trying to be strong when she wants to be weak; when she just wants to cave in and let everything go.

"I just-" I stopped. "It's hard, coming to terms with what you are. And for a while I ignore everything I felt, until I didn't and it happened." That was a dumb explanation. She deserves more than that. I'm so stupid for even doing this to her. I should have broke it off with her before I even admitted my feelings for Jonny Cooper.

"What are you talking about? Say it." She stared at me and furrowed my eyebrows. She knows. She knows. Someone told her. What happened to the privacy clause. They aren't supposed to tell anyone outside of the six of us.

"Say what?" I asked.

"Just tell me, okay." She sighed. "I'm not going to hate you for it." Rian ran her fingers through her hair. I stared at her. How does she know? Why can't I just say it and be done with this entire ordeal. I stared at her. She stared at me.

"You're not into me, right? You don't find me pretty anymore, or you don't find me smart enough for you. Its okay. I get it. And I know I'm not perfect but you don't have to cheat." Rian was staring into my eyes. I shook my head. "You're wrong about that. You are too good for me. I don't deserve you, Rian. You are pretty enough and you are smart enough, I'm just an idiot. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't take back what happened, now does it?" she asked softly, and not in the savage way like I expected that to be. Rian's too kind. She should be with someone who would respect her more than I did.

"That's true." I mumbled.

"Who was it?" she asked and my eyes widened. I don't know if I planned for this. Did I plan to tell everything about me? Or just that I kissed someone else. I don't know. And she's asking now, so what am I supposed to do? I can't tell her. She'll hate me. She'll shun me. Its exactly what happened with Esther and Squirrel. He probably hates her now. He probably wants to see her burn in hell.

"I can't... I can't tell you that."

"Yes. You can. I deserve to know." She furrowed her brows. Now she's getting angry. I can't tell her its Jonny, because then I'd be outing him... For the second time. And I don't want to be that asshole again.

"Uhm..." I bit my bottom lip. "It was uh.. It was a guy." I spoke slowly, listening to the words that came from my lips. She stared into my eyes then to my lips, watching as the words fell. It sounds strange. Admitting it sounds strange. But I did it again. "I kissed a guy."

"Wait..." she paused. Literally. She stopped all her movements and her eyes remained on me. Then she smiled.

She smiled?

"You're gay?" she asked me.

"No. I'm. I'm bisexual." I told her. I think I just came out for the first time. I wanted to smile. I just came out to one of my best friends. Granted, it was a horrible way of doing it, but it felt nice. It felt good to admit it to myself and to admit it to someone I know and trust.

Rian surprised me as well by smiling. She had a confused smile, but a smile nonetheless. "You're into guys and girls?"

"Yes."

"And you kissed a guy? You made out with another guy?"

"Yes."

"You want a boyfriend? Instead of a girlfriend? Is that why you cheated? Do you want it to end between us?" Questions, too many questions.

I sighed softly and ran my fingers through my hair. I nodded my head. "Yeah. I do want a boyfriend. Not instead of a girlfriend, but right now, I think want a boyfriend." I smiled. Admitting it is so reliving. I feel more free if that's possible. I don't know if I'm just convincing myself about how I feel or it I actually do feel this way, but I think its good.

"I really like him. I do. I don't want to like him but I do and I don't feel like I can do anything about it. If I don't act on what I feel right now I don't think I can be happy, and I want to be happy." I swallowed and blinked a couple times after realizing what I just said. Rian stared at me. "I I I'm proud of you. For finding your happiness."

"Look, I'm sorry, Rian. I wish it didn't happen like this. I really like you as a friend and I don't want to lose you, like I lost everyone else-" I say the last part softly and I was thankful that she didn't hear, or maybe she did and she just didn't comment on it. I was glad for that. If I have to explain why I was left alone by everyone else I'd have to say things that I'm not supposed to say and I'd lose her trust... Again.

Rian sighed. "Its okay... I guess. I hate that you cheated on me and with a guy too, but in a way I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you know what you want and if what you want is a guy then I'm still happy. Congratulations." She didn't sound as happy as she claimed and felt like an idiot about it. But what can I do? I already fucked things up by kissing and feeling what I feel for Jonny Cooper.

I hugged her. And she hugged me back and buried her head in my neck. I kissed her head. "I love you, you know that?" she asked me.

"Yeah, I guessed. And I love you too." I answered her. She pulled away and stared at me. She placed her lips on mine and left them there for a while. Rian held my face and breathed in softly, then she pulled away. She got up from the seat and walked out of the classroom. God. I didn't even tell her to keep it a secret. Why didn't I tell her that? I don't think I even know if I care if it gets out or not.