Letting Love In

Chapter 5, Part 2

I DIDN'T KNOW this before, but Esther had a crush on Jonny. "I've always liked you," she had said and Jonny gave her a confused look, much like all the looks I've ever given him. Esther laughed, "Past tense. But I've always had some kind of little school girl crush on you."

To be honest I was shocked. I would think Esther had a thing for Squirrel because of how many misadventures they've had together. She seems like a Squirrel girl. But now I'm hearing she's been into Jonny this entire time. I stared at Jonny then to Esther. She had a say smile on her face. I couldn't tell if she was joking around about this or not, so I remained silent and looked on.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I thought you were the hottest thing on the planet. God, I was stupid." She laughed.

"Wow. If I'd known that-"

"Then maybe he wouldn't be-" I stopped when I noticed the look I was receiving from Jonny. I chuckled softly. "Uh out trying to find a partner right now.." I filled in. Jonny's gaze was intent and I wanted to move, but I feel like if I did his eyes would follow me. So I remained sitting where I was.

"Nah, it wouldn't have lasted." Esther said, ignoring everything that was happening between Jonny and I. Either that or she noticed it and didn't comment on it. "Yeah, you would realize things about yourself and break up." I said and directed it at Jonny.

Esther stared at me and so did Jonny, his stare was more cruel though. I bit my bottom lip. I don't know why, but I think I just pissed off both of them. I don't get why Esther's upset, but Jonny, I can understand. He'll probably have my head when we're alone, which seems to be more often than I'd like.

"You know?" Esther asked me softly, then glanced across at Jonny. I scoffed. "Yes. Duh. He told me." I said, silently fearing that Jonny would jump my bones for just saying that. So I tensed my body just in case he does.

"Jonny?" Esther questioned, sounding confused. He was silent, just looking at me. So I decided to speak. "He's gay."

"What the fuck, man!?" Jonny shouted at the same time Esther said, "I'm gay." I ignored Jonny completely, like I usually do, and kept my eyes and focus on Esther. She sat there, looking small and scared.

"You're a lesbian?" Jonny asked her.

"And you're gay." She smiled.

"Why did you tell me?" I asked them both, "I didn't want to know that! You could have asked me to excuse you two while you come out to each other. I didn't want to know."

"He's homophobic." Jonny said.

"I'm not. I just hate these secrets." I said specifically to Jonny. Now I not only have to ignore the fact that Jonny's on the other side, but Esther too? "What happened to you guys? We were all normal kids growing up and now.."

"You are homophobic!" Esther accused. My eyebrows went up and I stood. "No! I swear, I'm not. I just-I can't I don't like ugh I'm leaving. I have to get home." I said quickly then grabbed up my bag to turn around and leave. I can't be there with them. I just can't.

I walked out of the woods and across the field to get onto the street so I can walk home. Today is completely unwanted. I didn't want to know anything I found out today. I didn't want it and it would be lovely if I could just return it.

Esther's gay. She's a lesbian. She like girls... And she's a girl. What the hell is this world? God, I'm trying not to sound homophobic, but I can't, not when two of my friends are gay. What am I supposed to do now? Continue on living? Why did they tell me? Why did Esther chose me to tell? Why did Jonny chose me to tell?

God Jonny. Why is he like that? Why do I always end up thinking of him? He's always on my mind. How can I do anything when I'm always thinking about that idiot? Is it just his confession to me that always has him on my mind or is it something else? I don't know.

I walked quickly to my place, before it got dark. Both my parents are at work, so the house is lonely. When I arrive inside I closed the door and slide down to the ground. I hate my life -- I hate that my friends do this to me. Just as I was getting back up my phone began to vibrate in my pocket.

Of course.

"Hello, Esther."

"You're okay, right?" she asked me.

"I feel annoyed by you two, but I'm fine. How are you?" I asked and got up from sitting on the floor and walked into the living room to plop down on the sofa.

"I'm happy." she said and I could just tell she was smiling. I nodded my head. "Well okay then. I'm glad you found yourself. I just hate that you told me."

"You were the only person I felt comfortable enough to tell. And Jonny just happened to be there."

"Me? I would have thought it was-"

"Squirrel? No. I think he likes me."

"That must suck. For him." I replied and bit my lip.

"And I couldn't tell Rian. Its different coming out as a lesbian to a guy than to a girl." Esther said and she sighed right after.

"Look, I'm sorry for today, okay." I said to her, then I didn't know what else to say.

"Its okay. At least you didn't bash me."

"I wouldn't do something like that. That's stupid." I mumbled.

"Hmm... Guess you aren't completely homophobic. But you're still an asshole. A rude, idiotic, oblivious asshole. I'll see you tomorrow." With that she hung up and I was left there wondering 'What the hell kind of friends did I pick up?'

What does she even mean by that? Well I get the rude and idiot and asshole part, but what am I oblivious to? Is it that I should have know they were both on the fence -- well now I guess they're on the complete opposite side of the fence. I sighed softly.

I wanted to sit there and watch television, but I decided to call Rian instead. I feel like I haven't talked to that girl in years. When I do she answers and she sounds tired and drained.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah. Fine. Just a bit tired. How was the river."

"Revealing." I muttered. "We um we saw things that weren't uh there before.." I don't want to out neither Jonny or Esther. Well, Jonny, maybe, because he's just a pain in my ass to be honest. But Esther, she's... Well she's Esther. We grew up together. I know her like the back of my hand, so I guess its okay for her to like girls. I mean, a girl being with a girl, that's normal. A girl holding hands and being all cute and girly with another girl, that's normal. But its weird for Jonny. It would be weird to see him in a relationship with another guy. Does that classify me as homophobic still? Is that being sexist?

"Hey, you still with me?" Rian asked me.

"Yes. Yes. I was just thinking."

"Thinking about what?" She asked me.

"Uh nothing. Its nothing. How was your afternoon?" I asked. Rian got into an entire topic about how she went to her afternoon classes and she completely hated it because she kept thinking about us at the river while she was there learning about circle theorems. She said she didn't learn much because her mind wandered off.

Rian takes afternoon classes. At first she'd take them from me, but after we began dating her parents thought it would have zero production, so she went to some guy who was a teacher some time again but he retired early and now he teachers afternoon classes for Mathematics and Chemistry. Rian's parents won't allow her to miss a single day, and she'd never go against them. So she's always busy after school, which kind of sucks because I'm always left with Squirrel, Esther and now, Jonny.

She and I continued to talk for a while, until I got bored and pretended to fall asleep. I know it isn't exactly the nicest thing to do, but I never claimed to be a nice person. After saying 'Hello' a couple times, then me pretending to snore softly, she hung up the phone and I was free.

It works better when texting.