Reasons to Live | ✔

Chapter 44-

Chapter 44-

I couldn't sleep for a few weeks afterwards. The thought and shocked was still there that I still couldn't believe it. 

My rapists...was in jail. 

I helped contribute it. 

No matter how many times I said it out loud or in my head, my mind couldn't wrap around that thought at all. 

 I was happy...elastic and yet, I still felt like nothing was resolved completely. 

My mother was still working to death and overseas in order to provide for me and London.

My sister was still heavily pregnant.

My father still wasn't here.  

I was tempted to tell Calvin several times but I never found a good timing to tell him so. 

No one knew actually...besides Paul and his parents...particularly Mrs.James since Mr.James works on several big cases currently.

I was still trying to wrap my head around it on a day to day bases.

I wanted to tell everyone but didn't know how...let alone open up about my feelings regarding it when I didn't know how I felt about it myself. 

I still had reoccurring nightmares of that night as well.

Although it wasn't as bad as before, it was still there. 

Sometimes, I would wake up sweating and crying. 

In the past week I only had two compared to four to five times.

Improvement, but not there yet.

Although Calvin came and go as he pleased from my bedroom, he chose to sleep here more and more often. He would go to school, then to work and occasionally go home in order to check on how his mother was before swinging back to my place to crash. 

The abuse was getting worse each day it seemed as graduation approached. He wouldn't tell me but I knew it. I saw it sometimes when his shirt raised above his head when he slept. A part of me wanted to ask but a part of me didn't. 

He probably was wondering the same questions as me in regards to why Erik was getting more and more abusive. 

Was it a way to warn Calvin that Erik was in charge and assert dominance? 

To tell him he was here forever? 

Or something else entirely?

I slowly opened my eyes and turned to look over at him. He was sleeping peacefully but he would wince every so often. There was a small bruising starting to form on his neck. It looked like Erik had his hands on him...maybe even choked him. There were some other bruising and open wounds peeking out of his shirt but I didn't want to wake him just yet from his dreams. 

He deserved some peace and quiet for at least a few hours. 

When he came in last night when London was already asleep, I knew something was wrong. The way he walked, the way he talked and the way he breathed, it made my heartache. 

He didn't deserve anything. 

He didn't deserve this misfortune...unlike me.

It dawned upon me that...it was my fault possibly. 

The thought always came running into my mind, especially after both of my rapist's sentencing.

Was it my fault that I didn't go into my father's office to wait for him?