Ae dil hai mushkil ?

29

Everything has been to much. Quite literally. Avni knew deep down she had feelings for Neil, no matter how hard she was trying to deny shit, she knew...she knew she was fucked up in the worst way possible. Falling in love was never on her radar, things just happened, maybe at the wrong time but they had happened. She remembered the series of events that had happened between them two after they met, the eye contact, the fucking eye contact, the thing that killed her every single day, his damn eyes, the way he would look at her in amazement and she could sometimes see that teeny-tiny bit of something more, she liked it even though she told herself she hated it, it was like an intimate moment between them without words but somehow they spoke more through their eyes. He was able to read her well. Well enough to stop her from doing something stupid. But that was back then. Times had changed. Or had they?? She knew deep down why she was doing what she was doing. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to feel all the things that she felt by not being with him. She was jealous, low and behold. She hated seeing him so happy to an extent. She had seen him interacting with one of his Ex's, it hurt. She heard that they spoke everyday and slowly it was killing her. She wanted to give up. And she was so close to. Every time her friends or Neela would try and talk to her she would flat out deny everything, deep down her friends and Neela knew that she did, they could see it, and Avni could too. She was scared. Of multiple things. Its hard to give someone a second chance but to admit that you feel something for someone who might not be interested in you is harder. No matter what your friends say about his behaviour around you there is always that fear and that nagging voice saying 'no don't be stupid why would he go for a girl like you.' 

Avni sat there, she was avoiding him, she felt bad to an extent but she wanted to get rid of her feelings, she wanted to go back in time and teach herself not to give a shit but she couldn't no matter how hard she tried, she cared. She chuckled lightly to herself remembering the incident last week, he had told the entire family that he had some business to take care off, she saw him take a knife with him and she had texted him, trying to talk him out of doing something stupid even if he was a police officer, her heart was restless, they spoke till around two in the morning but did she get any sleep...no. In fact despite not having any trust in God she went to pray for his safety...because she cared. She knew she liked him or was possibly in love with him again but for her own safety she was guarding her heart with walls so thick no one was able to break them. It sucked to have to share him with his Ex, Sharon. That was her name. Little bitch. She was giving up and the last thing she wanted was to sound and look desperate, she kept telling herself push him away but talking to him....she became vulnerable...they had banter and gosh....it was a warm feeling. 

Avni knew that from the first day she met him, he had an impact on her, she was so set on trying to hate him that she doesn't even remember the first time she began to think of him...differently. it hurt. it hurts so fucking much, to want something so bad but to know that deep down it can't happen. Why does love hurt? If its the best feeling in the world...if its the one thing that can clam down a storm...than why? She was so lost. She was lost in her own feelings, she wanted the thing that she couldn't have. How fucked up is that?? On a level. Ali tried talking some sense into her saying that Neil talking to that bitch everyday doesn't mean he likes  her...it got to her so much she asked...asked him twice actually...and both times she was told no...but she didn't know what to believe. What would you believe if you were in this position?One of her best friends actually slapped her and said ' Girl. Stop. if he's said he don't then he clearly doesn't' Avni's immediate response was 'What if he's lying?' Exactly. What if... Why were guys born to be so confusing...is it just me thinking this or what? Avni kept telling herself she has lost it mentally.She was confused and he was confusing her even more....Answer this: if a guy stays up past midnight talking to you till like 3 in the morning about family, marriage,divorce, pain, friends- Does it mean anything?? Does it mean that he might....no.....not possible but deep down Avni's brain kept replaying.. well what if.... , She felt so stupid texting him only to be blanked for an hour bust so ecstatic when he replied and carried on a conversation.