Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 4 - Faith

I slammed my math book shut, rubbing at my eyes. I couldn't stare at numbers anymore. I abandoned my homework on the farm table that sat in the middle of the kitchen and went to the fridge. My parents had been going to grief counseling once a week and tonight was that night. Which meant it was just Simon and me, but I hadn't heard from Simon all day.

These were the times that having a dog would be the best. Instead of just sitting in an empty house, alone, with my thoughts, I could have a friend. A dog to play with and talk to and cuddle with. But my dad's allergic to dogs so it'd never happen.

I opened the freezer, grabbing a couple frozen waffles out and popped them in the toaster. I grabbed a plate, the syrup, butter, a yogurt and silverware while I waited for my waffles. I took a minute to doctor them up when they popped before sitting down at the table. I opened my phone up, scrolling through my messages like I was missing something important. Tori texted me the most by far. But she was working tonight and her work had a strict no phone policy. I scrolled to the bottom of the list, Elijah's name was there. I clicked on his messages, the last thing he sent me was February 23 at 7:51 pm. He asked if I wanted to play a board game when he got home. I had answered sure. I let out a sigh, backing out of his thread as I finished my waffles.

I left my dirty plate and silverware in the sink, heading down the hall to my room. I decided to take a long bath to kill some time, maybe I'd even read the passage for my bible study group. I walked past Simon's open door, his room was always immaculate. His book shelf orderly, his old records in alphabetical order. I shuffled past, letting my socks slide across the hardwood. My room was directly across from Elijah's. He used to fly paper airplanes into my room when we were supposed to be studying. Now his door stayed shut, cutting his memory off like it was a black hole that would consume everything if it was opened.

I put my hand on my door, about to push it all the way opened when I stopped. I had the house to myself. If there really was a black hole in Elijah's room the only thing it would consume would be me and surprisingly enough I was okay with it. I looked down the hallway toward the front of the house. Like maybe Simon would just randomly appear there and catch me but I was all alone. So I left my door partially open like it had been and stood in front of his, my hand on the cold gold plated doorknob. I took a deep breath, twisting the knob and pushed the door open.

It wasn't the first time I'd been in Elijah's room since he died but it'd been awhile. It was just as he'd left it, though I suspected my mom probably cleaned it still. There was vacuum marks in the carpet that looked more fresh than not. That and it looked as though dust hadn't been able to settle. Which was crazy because it'd been three months since someone lived in it.

I stared at the light green walls, the Switchfoot poster still hung over the white dresser with the missing knob on the third drawer. I'm not sure what compelled me to look but I yanked opened one of the drawers. Elijah's clothes were still folded in neat piles, like my mom had just done his laundry and put it away. I bent down, my nose hovering above the stacks and took a deep breath.

I can't even say for sure if I remembered what Elijah smelled like. I don't know if I ever took the time to think about it while he was alive. But now that he wasn't here, I wished I had. I wished that a simple smell would bring back his memory.

"What are you doing?"

I jumped, spinning around, my hand over my thundering heart at the sound of Simon's voice.

"Nothing."

I blew out a breath, my panicked heart trying it's best to calm down.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, loitering in the doorframe.

I leaned my back into the drawer, sliding it shut. I took one more glance around because I wasn't sure when the next time I'd be in it would be and walked toward the door.

"Nothing." I said as I walked past him, my shoulder skimming his chest as I did.

"I brought dinner." He told me.

"Already ate."

I closed my door behind me. My heart hammering in my chest still. I felt guilty and a little panicky like I almost got in trouble. It wasn't like Elijah's room had a "do not enter" sign on it, it was just one of those unwritten things. You just knew you weren't supposed to go in there anymore. I leaned back against the paneled door of my room. I held my breath, trying to hear what Simon was doing. The house was silent for a moment before I heard the click of Elijah's door closing and Simon's feet padding away.

I wondered if Simon ever went in there. I knew he missed him even though he drove him nuts while he was alive. Elijah was a freshman in high school, trying to find himself, his voice and well Simon had always been well liked and popular. Elijah aspired to be like him and most days Simon handled it well, accepting the flattery, but I know it still got under his skin when his perfectly organized bookshelf was askew or Elijah had gotten into his cologne. Maybe it was the age difference or maybe I just still thought of Elijah as the adorable, chubby, little towhead my parents brought home from the hospital when I was three but he never got on my nerves. I'd go so far as to say he was my best friend.

I flopped down on my bed, grabbing the teddy bear that Elijah kept hidden under his pillow and hugged it. I had swiped it from his room the night he died. At the time we didn't know he was actually going to die. I was going to bring it to him in the hospital but by the time we got there and got to see him, it was too late. So I left the bear in my backpack and that was probably the first lie I ever told my mom. She wanted to bury Elijah with the bear. I told her I had no idea what happened to it.

The worst part about the lie, I felt no remorse lying to my mom. But devastated that I couldn't let Elijah have his bear one last time. I just couldn't let go.