Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 82 - Faith

I was on the couch at home, eating a plateful of some pasta leftover I'd found in the fridge when my parents walked through the front door. My dad's eyebrows were pinched together in the center, his lips drawn into a tight line. My mom had a similar expression and it hadn't left her face since she'd come back home a few days prior. It took them a minute to notice me staring at them.

"Oh hey honey." My mom said, forcing a smile to her face.

"Hi..." I said hesitantly, watching their dynamic change drastically once they realized they had an audience.

I hadn't asked what the official status of my parents relationship had gotten too. I was too afraid. Both of them, separately, had told me they just needed some space, that it was only temporary. I wasn't naive enough to let myself believe that temporary wouldn't turn permanent. I had stashed the thought in the back of my mind just incase they were wrong.

"Everything okay?" I asked, even though I knew it wasn't.

"Yeah, of course. We're just tried." She said.

I wasn't convinced I believed them. That everything was fine, that the couple days break was all they needed. That they wouldn't fall into the same distant slump we all had fallen into after Elijah died. No matter what my new okay was, there was never anything that would fix what we had lost. Elijah. There would always be sadness within our family. No amount of space could fix it. In fact I whole heartedly believed that space would do anything but fix it.

"Is your brother in his room?" My mom asked.

I nodded, Simon was always in his room when he was home. 

She nodded her head, walking out of my view in the general direction of his room. I watched my dad linger in the living room. He looked lost and broken. Older. Sadder. It made me wonder if the dad I knew would ever come back. The dad I loved and respected, the dad that I knew would always be there for, that held me to standards I didn't know I was capable of reaching. Strict but guiding. Or if this new man, the one distant and quiet, would stay forever. He stopped in front of a wall that held a picture frame with our school pictures. Simon's had a picture for every year, mine was missing one and then there was Elijah's.

"I'm surprised she left this up." My dad mumbled, his voice bitter and cold.

I didn't have to ask who 'she' was. It was apparent my mom was trying to hide that Elijah even existed. What she was trying to achieve by doing so was beyond me.

He blew out a breath. "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay." It came out as a whisper. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to answer or not.

He glanced back at me, a sad smile on his face. All this house had in it was sad smiles and unsaid things.

                               ————————

"Where are you going?" Simon asked.

He was the only one home, my parents had upped their martial counseling after my mom had stormed out of the house. They were going twice a week plus meeting with the pastor. It wasn't improving anything.

"Tori's."

The lie rolled off my tongue with ease. I had a bag slung over my shoulder. I was actually going to Perrin's, but I'd be with Tori.

"Overnight?" He asked.

He was leaned in the doorway of his bedroom, music floating out into the hall around him.

I shifted the bag on my shoulder, "uh yeah."

"Mom and dad know?"

I shook my head, rolling my eyes. I hadn't told them and in all honesty I didn't think they really cared. They were too busy dealing with their own stuff, they didn't realize Simon or me. They probably wouldn't have noticed if I left for the weekend without a word.

"I'll text mom." I told him.

"You'll be home tomorrow?"

I let out an exasperated breath. "It's not your job to keep tabs on me ya know?"

He folded his arms across his chest, his eyes narrowing.

"I'm just trying to look out for you Faith."

"Since when have you cared how I am?" I snapped back. "I'll text mom."

I didn't wait to hear his answer. I could already feel anger boiling up inside of me and I didn't want to stay long enough to see it spill over.

The four of us were just floating through life ever since February 23rd. Going through the motions but completely detached. I was tired of it. I was tired of grieving silently to save face. I was tired of holding it all in. Especially now that I had someone who didn't make me. Who let me talk about Elijah and how broken and sad I was. Now that I had Tobias.

I slammed the door to my car a little harder than necessary. I closed my eyes, my fingers gripped tight around my steering wheel as I took a deep breath through my nose. Simon wasn't going to ruin this weekend for me. My parents wouldn't ruin this weekend for me. I was going to go to Perrin's with my friends and Toby and I was going to smile and laugh and have fun and talk about Elijah like he wasn't some life sucking black hole.

When I opened my eyes and released my breath, I felt a smile come to my face. Maybe my family was stuck pretending that Elijah didn't exist and the pain left over from losing him wasn't as awful as it was. But I wasn't going to live life like that. I was done pretending that life was always good and wonderful, that bad things didn't happen, that life didn't get sad. I was slowly realizing life wasn't just one way. It wasn't all good or all bad. It was both. And that was okay.

                                ———————

So I'm getting excited. This story is about to get down. It only took me what 80 some chapters to get us there. I also haven't told you guys his in a while but you're all awesome, and I love you, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you reading my work!