Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 86 - Faith

Hangovers did suck. No one was lying.

I was curled into Toby's side, laying as still as I could to try and stop the pounding in my head.  He was sleeping, his chest rising and falling with every breath he took. He was snoring slightly, his mouth parted, dark hair a tangled mess on top of his head. I could hear his heart beat steady in his chest, strong and clear. Was that because of the surgery? Or had it always sounded like that?

I studied the angles of his face, his pronounced cheek bones and chiseled jaw line. I couldn't understand how he could have had heart surgery. What did they fix? What was broken? Was he better?

He looked so good, so healthy, laying there.

I'd be broken beyond repair if I lost him too.

There should be a rule for heartbreak.

Like a person can only go through so much before the universe backed off.

I hoped whatever had happened or was happening, was resolved. That it was some minor thing that wasn't a worry anymore. For Toby's sake, but also for mine. And I knew I had to ask him, I had to know.

But why hadn't he told me? I'd spilled some of my darkest thoughts to him. I'd trusted him with everything. Why had he thought he couldn't trust me?

I let out a yawn, becoming aware of just how thirsty and awful my breath stunk. If Toby was going to wake up next to me for the first time I didn't want to kill him with my breath. I rolled over slowly, trying not to set my head off or wake him up. Padding into the bathroom, I searched the drawers of the vanity for some toothpaste. I wasn't exactly sure where my bag had ended up last night, probably where I had left it by Tori's when we got here yesterday but I wasn't prepared to venture out into the house. I had no idea who I'd run into too or what shape they'd be in.

Luckily there was a brand new tube of toothpaste, still in its box in the second drawer I looked in. I used my finger scrubbing at my teeth with the minty toothpaste. My body felt weak, craving water like life depended on it. Which maybe it did. I was navigating uncharted territories.

When I was done brushing my teeth, I bent down, cupping my hands together to drink. Water had never tasted so good. It was cold and refreshing and seemed to satisfy every corner of my body. I probably could have sat there for hours, drinking the cold tap water but my head was still pounding and I was growing more and more tired the longer I was standing.

I climbed back into the bed, snuggling back up to Toby. His eyes fluttered open, green eyes peering down at me. A soft smile pulled at his face and I wanted nothing more than to kiss him.

"Morning." He mumbled his voice a little deeper from sleep.

"Good morning."

And it was. Even with the hangover.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Kind of terrible but I'm okay."

"We'll get you some ibuprofen and some greasy food and you'll be set." He said as he laughed quietly. The sound came from deep within his chest.

I brought my hand to the collar of the T-shirt he had on. My fingers dancing along the fabric, brushing his warm skin below. I followed his skin up his neck, his chin prickled with stubble.   He shifted a little, so he was facing me more, his green eyes on mine. I still didn't understand how he always seemed to know me, maybe better than I did myself. I leaned in pressing my lips to his.

His breath was warm, his lips soft, his body relaxed against mine. Was there a way to stay just like this? Forever.

I knew there wasn't though. Nothing was forever. And I knew I had to ask. I had to know he was okay. It had been eating away at me since last night when the words left Perrin's mouth.

When we parted, I watched his green eyes dance between mine. He looked like he was on the verge of saying something but the words wouldn't come out. So I went first. Whatever he needed to say maybe he would find it easier after this was out of the way.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Yeah, of course." His eyes stopped searching, instead holding mine, patient just like he always was.

"Perrin said something last night. That you had heart surgery?"

My heart was beating hard in my chest, worries of everything he could say the cause. He sat up abruptly, drawing his knees up, his hands holding his head as he let out a sigh. I sat up to, wrapping my hand around his arm.

"You're okay right?" I whispered, afraid to hear him say no.

He nodded his head.

I felt relief wash through me, the breath that had caught in my throat releasing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked him. "Did you think it would bother me?"

He let out a sigh, one that sounded more troubled than not.

"Please just hear me out okay?"

"Yeah, always."

The look he gave me was desperate. Sadness filling the vibrant green, he looked lost again. Something I hadn't seen since when I first met him.

"I was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy a couple years ago."

"What is that?" I had never heard of it before.

"Basically my heart stopped working right." He looked away from me.

"So what they did surgery and everything's okay now?" Why was he taking so long to tell me?

"Not exactly." He shook his head.

My heart felt like it was going to explode. Why did I feel like there was something terrible about to happen?

"At first yeah, but every time they did surgery it only lasted for a little while before everything just got worst. I ended up in heart failure."

That had to be it. What could possible be worse than that? I took a breath, the uneasy panic not lifting from my chest.

"They put me on the transplant list then. And uh.." He covered his face with his hands, his voice choked with emotion. I felt my own tears prick my eyes. "I got a heart. On February 24th."

So time does stop. It is possible for a moment to freeze. For the seconds to stretch on, for everything to slow down. For everything around you to turn into a muffled blur. I couldn't get my body and mind to move. All I could do was wait for the confirmation I already knew was coming.

"I have Elijah's heart Faith and I'm so, so sorry."

————————

Yikes. Here we go!