Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 87 - Toby

As soon as the words left her mouth it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I jolted upright. Elijah's heart was trying to slam its way out of my body, desperately trying to get away from me and ultimately the pain I would cause her. I didn't blame it though. I wanted to get away from me too.

I felt her hand wrap around my arm, knowing the comforting gesture would only last until she knew the truth. I couldn't see this working out well. Especially now that she'd heard it from someone other than me.

"You're okay right?" Her voice quiet and hesitant.

I nodded, unable to find words. My chest was tight, Elijah's heart pounding so hard I could feel it in my ears.

"Why didn't you tell me? Did you think it would bother me?" She asked.

I let out a strangled sigh, how had I gotten myself into this. Oh wait, that's right I was an idiot and didn't listen. I did things my own way. I sought her out, I fell in love with her.

I turned my head, looking into her gray eyes. Maybe they would always show the parts of her that were broken after Elijah died but now I was adding to it. It made me hate myself.

"Please just hear me out okay?" I begged.

"Yeah, always."

She said it instantly, without hesitation. She trusted me. I had never felt so guilty and desperate in my life. I had been so consumed with this idea that knowing who my new heart was from would make me feel less lost, less like I was made up of borrowed parts. It'd give me some sort of direction. I hadn't thought of the family, how they'd deal with it all. And I hadn't thought of the countless scenarios I could find myself in. And now that I was in one, I felt more lost than before.

But there was no turning back now. So I took a deep breath and readied myself for any and all reactions.

"I was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy a couple years ago." I told her.

"What is that?" Her eyebrows knit together.

"Basically my heart stopped working right."

"So what they did surgery and everything's okay now?"

And this was where it was going to get hard. I looked away from her, unable to deliver the blow eye to eye. I didn't want to watch the switch from love and concern to hurt and possibly hate.

"Not exactly."

I shook my head. I had to get the words out as gently as I could. I had to make her understand in the few short sentences I probably had how sorry I was. How thankful I was. How I had messed up. How words just didn't really fucking describe any of it.

"At first yeah, but every time they did surgery it only lasted for a little while before everything just got worst. I ended up in heart failure. They put me on the transplant list then. And uh.."

The words caught in my throat as tears started to leak from my eyes. I wished more than anything I could say I'd trade places with Elijah in a heartbeat. Give her that reassurance that if I could change it, I would. But I couldn't. Because I wanted to be alive. I was so happy and thankful for a second shot. I just wished I had gotten anyone else's heart but his. But that wasn't what happened.

"I got a heart. On February 24th."

I looked at Faith. Tears swelling in her eyes. She already knew, she already understood. But I had to say it. I knew that.

"I have Elijah's heart Faith and I'm so, so sorry."

She just stared, unmoving. Elijah's heart was freaking out. I took my chance, knowing at some point she'd unfreeze. And once that happened I wasn't sure if she'd stay to hear me out.