Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 34 - Faith

I went to The Grounds on Saturday out of habit. Tori hadn't spoken to me since I went off at her at the lunch table and in all honesty I couldn't blame her. I could have handled that whole thing better or I could have just kept my mouth shut like the old Faith would have done.

But regardless of all the things I should have done I still hadn't apologized and I realized just how little my circle of friends had become.

I had no one.

So I threw on a pair of shorts and a tank, jammed my feet into my floral canvas shoes and drove my sorry butt to The Grounds alone, even though I still wasn't sure if I was necessarily sorry.

I said my usual greeting to Hank, the guy that usually sat at the front to make sure everyone had a waiver signed, and headed in. I spotted Tori right away, she was standing by Luke's side, her arm looped through his. Her eyes passed by me like I was invisible.

Maybe I had finally used up all my "bad days".

I glanced around the park, deciding to start with Paisley first and work my way up to apologizing to Tori. Maybe I'd get better at it as I went. She was sitting at a picnic table with Becca, Brad from history and his girlfriend Kate and their friend Wyatt. I took a deep breath, my feet carrying me towards them.

"Hey guys, sorry to interrupt." I flashed a smile, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "Can I talk to you real quick Paisley?"

"Oh yeah, of course." She smiled slightly, untangling herself slowly from the table.

We walked side by side away from the table a couple of feet, her gait stiff from the brace she wore on it.

"How's the leg?" I asked.

She nodded, her dirty blond pony tail swinging behind her. "Pretty good. I'm hoping this thing will be gone in a few more weeks and then I can really start doing some more things."

"That's good." I was genuinely happy for her. She lived and breathed gymnastics and I knew she was dying to get back at it. "So I wanted to apologize for the other day. It's not a good excuse but I was having a rough day and I took it out on you."

Not so bad. Right?

"Oh gees Faith. I know. You didn't have to apologize." Paisley said, her shoulder bumping mine as we walked.

"I did though. I was out of line and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

Paisley grabbed my arm, bringing both of us to a stop. She smiled at me, the two of us almost eye to eye.

"It's no big deal, I figured it was a bad day or something. You're like the nicest person I've ever met. I knew you didn't mean it."

That was where she was wrong. Sure the old Faith may have been that nice. But the new Faith wasn't. And I wasn't sorry. Not really.

"Besides if I was you I probably would be upset all the time."

I instantly frowned, a little confused and suddenly vacant of words.

"I mean considering, ya know." She dropped her eyes to the ground. "Everything that happened..and..well, ya know." She shook her head, lifting her eyes with a smile again. "But really no big deal, you don't have to apologize."

Had she just almost brought up Elijah? Why couldn't anyone say his name? Why was I the only one not afraid to say it?

She left me there, still frowning. I watched her limp her way back to the picnic table I had found her at. She fell back into the conversation as though she had never stepped away and I found a spark of jealousy ignite in my gut. I wanted to feel apart of things, I wanted to feel whole, I wanted my life back. The one without the anger and the sadness and the brokenness.