Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 30 - Faith

I hadn't been able to wipe the smile from my face since my lips parted with Toby's. We hadn't kissed again, even though I hoped he'd try. All the emotions and anger I had been feeling moments before had been sucked out of me in that one small act. And now all I could think about was a boy, his green eyes, and how he kissed me.

I unlocked the door to my house, my cheeks cramping from smiling still. My heart fluttered happily in my chest. Literally nothing could bring me down and I had every intention of riding this high for as long as I could.

Or at least that's what I thought until I heard Simon's voice.

"What's got you so happy?"

"Nothing." I lied.

"How was Tori?" He asked.

"Fine." I lied again.

I slipped out of my shoes, deciding it was best to make a beeline for my bedroom. I could feel Simon watching me but I ignored the holes he was trying to burn into me. I lifted my chin and marched myself toward the hallway defiantly. I wasn't sure what I was defying, but it felt rebellious and I sort of liked it. Maybe the new Faith got kissed by cute boys and was a little rebellious. Only time would tell.

I softened my pace once I passed Simon's meticulous room, the door wide open to put its perfection on display for all to see. As I neared my door, there was a silver of light streamed across my closed door. It was coming from Elijah's room. I slowed my pace, suddenly aware that I was breathing loud and walking like an elephant.

I took a deep breath, locking the oxygen in my lungs as I held my breath and listened. I took a slow tentative step forward, trying to peer into the crack. I could see part of the Switchfoot poster, a drawer to his dresser cracked open. I carefully placed my hand on the wall beside the doorframe, angling myself around so I could see as much as I could. If someone was in there, they were out of my sight.

Maybe it was my mom, sometimes I pictured her walking around his room, dusting, organizing it, as if maybe he was just away, that he'd come back. Or maybe it was my dad, reading one of the comics that they used to go on about, perched on the edge of his bed. Or maybe they just sat in there, staring at the walls, wondering about all the what if's, what could have been.

I jumped, Simon's chest bumping into my back as he reached around and closed Elijah's door with a quiet click. I no longer felt elated, like I was on cloud nine, or rebellious and defiant. I felt that anger surge back through me, finding all the deep dark crevasses and consuming them until there was nothing but. Just anger. If looks could kill I was almost certain Simon would perish right there in the hallway. He ignored me, leaving as fast as he arrived. I followed him back down the hallway and into his room.

"Why do you always do that?" I snapped.

"Do what?" He said absently, picking a shirt off his computer chair and discarding it in his hamper.

"You know what." I growled. "Who's in there?"

He shrugged, unfazed by my growing anger. "Doesn't matter."

"Maybe it doesn't to you, but it does to me. And I think you know."

I wanted to scream. I wanted to grab him by his shoulders and shake him until everything was aired out. My parent's secrets, his secrets. My secrets. I was tired of trying to be a vault. Of pretending we weren't broken. I wanted to claw at our wounds until they were all exposed and bleeding, oozing their distress and ugliness to the world. But mostly I wanted to know they were broken, just like me.

Simon was staring at me, his face stoic. I wasn't sure when he learned to hide his emotions. Maybe it had happened gradually. Or maybe it was the wall he built up after Elijah died. But I couldn't read him anymore, I couldn't tell if he was hurting, if he was mad, if he was happy, or sad. I didn't know who he was anymore.

He shook his head, dropping his eyes to the floor as he turned back to whatever he had gone into his room to do. I knew what was going on. The conversation was over. Not that it had even begun. The crumbling wall of the vault I had been forced to become shook and cried for relief.

"Just go to bed Faith." He told me.

Tears flooded my eyes, my throat tightened rendering me unable to speak. I turned, leaving him to his tidy life. I shoved through my door just as the tears broke through. I threw myself onto my bed, curling my body around my pillow as I tried to silence my sobs. I felt like that was all I ever did. Silence pain, my thoughts, myself.

I don't know how long I laid there before I heard my phone vibrate in my purse. I was going to ignore it, too consumed in my own sorrows to care about anyone else. How selfish had I become since Elijah died? I knew I was always thinking of myself, my grief. I knew that I shouldn't. But I didn't care anymore. It vibrated again.

I wondered what Tobias would think of me if he had known the old Faith. Would he have still liked me? Would he have noticed the change in me? Would he have cared?

And that's when I realized my phone might have been telling me it was Tobias. I scrambled off the bed, discarding my pillow with one hand as I wiped at the mascara running down my face with the other. I rifled through my purse, my skirt fanned out around me as I knelt on my floor. I snatched my phone out of the collection of junk in my purse.

My heart was back to fluttering as I saw Toby's name across the screen, the beginning of his text spelt out. I unlocked it as fast as I could manage.

Tobias: home safe?

I smiled, still sniffling.

Me: yes you?

I watched, my lower lip sucked into my mouth, wide eyes, blotchy skin, for his response.

Tobias: yeah. I had fun tonight.

Me: me too

If only he knew. It wasn't just a fun time. It was a list of first for me. And I had loved every one of them.

Tobias: call you tomorrow?

My face lit up, my heart jumping around happily in my chest. Yes I wanted him to call me. I wanted him to keep calling me until calling me was a norm for us.

Me: yes please

I let out a breath full of nerves as I hit send. I didn't want to seem too eager. Tori had told me once if you act like you like a guy too much they'll run. But I couldn't stop myself. I didn't want to have to follow more unspoken rules when it came to Tobias. I just wanted to real, myself, even if I was broken.

                              ————————

So 13 Reasons Why season 2 came out and I've been trying like mad to watch it but unfortunately I spend most of my tv watching time watching the same episodes of Clifford the Big Red Dog. Don't get me wrong Clifford is a dope dog and even Emily Elizabeth seems like she'd grow into a cool adult human being but I'm sick of Birdwell Island and Jenna's voice is irritating (same with Chloe but I cut her some slack because she's a lavender poodle). Overall I'd rather be watching just about anything other than Clifford. -DBR