Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 10 - Faith

I stood in the changing room. Tori had wanted to go shopping yet again so I was now standing in front of a three sided mirror, the dim lighting hiding most of my flaws. I had a pile of clothes that Tori had picked out for me to try on. Everything was so far out of my comfort zone I was afraid to put it on even in the privacy of the dressing room. But I did it anyway.

I let the pair of jean capris I was wearing fall to the ground, I stepped out of them, stripping my shirt at the same time. My bra was a dingy white and a little lumpy from going through the washer and dryer constantly. I knew I needed to replace it but I didn't love shopping. It always had me feeling a little more insecure and unattractive then I liked. I stared at my reflection, my long hair pulled into a side braid.  I twisted, looking at my body's profile, as I tried to suck in to make myself look thinner. It didn't do much.  I knew I wasn't fat but I'd always been a thicker girl. Or I suppose the correct term would be "curvy". I blew out a breath, shaking my head. Who was I kidding? I was never going to be skinny, not like Tori. No matter how much I sucked in.

I grabbed a pair of high waisted light wash jeans and a pink crop top that Tori had been adamant would look amazing on me. I would have never even glanced at a crop top. I dressed as conservatively as I could. Sometimes I had borderline grandma style. It was comfortable and it hid the areas of my body I really didn't like. Plus I didn't want to come off as vain. I was supposed to be selfless and unconcerned with something as silly as vanity.

I shimmied into the jeans, they hugged my body showing every curve from my ankle to the slight narrowing of my waist. I pulled the crop top over my head, a small sliver of midriff skin peeking out below the bottom hem.

It felt weird to have my shirt not go past my waistband. I felt like I needed to pull it down or hike the jeans up higher. I wiggled around in front of my reflection uncomfortably.

"Are you dressed?" Tori's voice reached me through the partition that separated the dressing rooms.

Sort of?

"Yeah." I muttered.

"Come out!" Tori told me.

I heard the metal rungs of the door drape slide open in the room next to me. I blew out a breath, staring at my gray eyes in the mirror. They looked sad and lost and maybe a little angry too. I'd grown used to them the past three months.

"Come on, I thought you said you were dressed." Tori urged.

I shifted on my feet, giving myself another once over. Maybe it didn't look all that bad?

I pulled back the curtain, Tori right outside in in the smallest set of shorts I'd seen yet.

"That looks amazing on you!" She squealed, circling her finger in the air for me to spin. I obliged, keeping my head down. "You're buying it." I shook my head instantly. "Oh come on. You look great."

I turned back toward the mirrors in my changing room, Tori's tall thin frame behind me. She placed her hands on my shoulders, leaning her chin down to rest on my shoulder.

"I mean who knows maybe a guy will ask you out on a date. And if you buy this then you'll have an outfit to wear." She said.

I couldn't stop myself from rolling my eyes. Guys didn't notice me, at all, and if for some strange reason they did it was straight to the friend zone for Faith Delaney. Besides we were too young to fall in love. And if I was going to fall in love and get married and the whole shabang I was only doing it once. Marriage was a one time deal, so I was guessing that falling in love was also. People wouldn't break up if they actually waited until they found the person they were supposed to fall in love with.

"I'm not you, I don't have guys lined up to date me." I mumbled at our reflection in the mirrors.

"That's because you don't try." Tori said, straightening herself. "If you'd stop wearing mom clothes guys would notice you."

"I don't want guys to notice me just because I walk around half naked."

I didn't mean to shoot Tori a judgmental look through the mirror but there I was watching my gray eyes judge her. She stepped back, folding her arms across her chest.

"What's that supposed to mean Faith?" She shot back.

"Look at those shorts!" I blurted, gesturing to the small amount of fabric covering her lower half.

"What's wrong with them?"

I blew out an exasperated breath. "You can practically see your butt cheeks."

What was going? Why was I saying all of this? These were things I kept to myself. No matter how true they were.

"I mean come on Tori, of course guys are throwing themselves at you, you're basically naked."

"Well gees Faith, why don't you tell me how you really feel." She snapped.

I watched her long brown hair create a curtain between us as she stomped back to her dressing room. I stared up at the ceiling, letting out a sigh. I knew better. I knew better than to judge people. It wasn't my place to judge, yet there I was judging my heart out.

I walked back into my dressing room, closing the curtain behind me. I could hear Tori moving around, her bare feet smacking against the tile floor. I needed to apologize.

I popped open the button on the jeans taking one last look in the mirror. Maybe I needed to stop pretending to be the old Faith. I clearly wasn't doing a good job of it. My evil thoughts were escaping out of my mouth more and more frequent and I was finding that I didn't really care. I didn't care if my words were hurting people, I was hurting. And I was fine letting my hurt spread like the plague.

I slipped back into my clothes, grabbing the jeans and crop top before abandoning the rest of the pile in the dressing room. I waited quietly for Tori to finish, she emerged later with nothing in her hands. I had apparently ruined her shopping mood. She didn't even bother to look at me as she stomped past.

"I'm sorry Tori." I said, chasing after her.

"I don't even care Faith. I always thought you walked around thinking you were better than me. At least now I know it's true."

"I don't think I'm better than you!" I shouted, drawing the attention of several other people. I dropped my eyes to the floor, letting out a sigh. "I'm just having a bad day and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."

I stared at my dirty floral canvas shoes. Tori let out a breath, without looking I knew she was already softening. I wouldn't say that today was any worse than any other day but I also knew Tori would forgive me sooner if I blamed it on a bad day. She knew a bad day meant I was missing Elijah. As if I ever stopped missing him.

"It's fine." She said on a breath. "Come on let's go get a smoothie."

I gave her a small smile. "I still need to buy this."

I held up the jeans and crop top, Tori's eyes lighting up. And just like that, any hurt I had caused was gone.

"Oh my gosh yes! You should wear it Saturday to The Grounds." She grabbed my other hand, dragging me to the register. She was probably afraid I'd change my mind if she didn't take me straight there. "We are going aren't we?"

I nodded, we went there every Saturday.