Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 56 - Faith

"Goodnight Muppet, goodnight Drogo." I purposely walked down their aisle last when doing my final check. It wasn't the natural flow of the kennels but they were my favorites. "Goodnight everyone else."

I poked my head into Keith's office, giving him a silent goodbye as he talked on the phone and headed for my car. As I did, I pulled my phone from my pocket. It was void of texts and even though I knew Tobias was working it didn't change the fact that I had hoped he had sent me a message.

It was still muggy out, the summer air not cooling down even though we were inching our way toward night time. My feet were sweating in my rubber boots and I was more than ready to peel myself out of my blue jeans. I cranked the a/c in my car as soon as I started, the vents blew out hot, stale air inside.

I had the music dialed low, some pop channel. I was beginning to recognize some of the popular songs for the first time ever in my life. My fingers tapped along to the beat as I drove.

I pulled into my driveway some 15 minutes later, letting my car rest as I turned the key in the ignition. Blowing out a breath, I grabbed the few things I needed from my car and kicked open my door. I stared up at my house, the porch swing that spent most of its life deserted sat still under the over hang. The kitchen light was on, I could see Simon moving around hastily in it.

I wondered briefly if everyone that passed by and happened to glance over at our boring little house, if they could tell how broken it was. Or if we still looked whole from the outside.

I shook my head, shoving the thoughts to the back of my mind. Letting out a sigh, I trudged up the steps and pushed my way through the front door.

"How was the shelter?" Simon asked as soon as I was in the house.

I balanced on one foot as I wiggled my leg back and forth to rid myself of my rubber boots finally. But even through my struggle I could hear his voice was deeper, thicker, raw like he'd been crying. I felt my heartbeat pound in my ears. That desperation for the walls that had been built to crumble away, so I could stop hurting alone.

"Fine." I answered hesitantly.

I padded closer toward the kitchen, Simon kept his back to me while he busied himself.

"Those dogs get adopted yet?" He asked.

I heard him sniffle, even though he had tried to hide it by clearing his throat.

I shook my head, well aware he couldn't see. "No."

He nodded his head. "I've got some frozen chicken in the fridge and Mac n cheese. It's almost done."

I don't know what I was expecting. I knew better than to think Simon would say something. But I still couldn't stop myself from hoping he would. If he just gave me an inch I'd go the rest of the mile. He just had to crack the door.

"Simon?" My voice was just above a whisper as I tested the waters.

"Hmm?" He answered, not changing.

He could have just turned around. He could have showed me he was crying. I would have asked. I would have been there for him. We could have cried together, grieved together. Maybe one day heal together. But he didn't turn around. And I didn't push it any farther.

"I'm just going to shower real fast." I said instead.

"Okay."

I lingered for another minute. Watching as his shoulders sagged, his T-shirt hanging off his frame. I hadn't noticed before but he looked thinner than he used too. I let out a sigh, shuffling my way down the hallway, past Simon's meticulous room, past the door that hid the black hole that was Elijah's room and to my own slice of comfortable chaos.

My heart clenched in my chest, a lump settled in my throat as tears threatened to break through. I didn't understand why we couldn't talk about Elijah. Why we couldn't cry for him. Hurt for him. Why we couldn't remember him. I didn't understand how it could make anything worse than it already was. I wiped at the tears that had pushed their way down my face, pulling my phone from my pocket. I didn't care what the rules were anymore. Tobias was the only person that didn't shy away from Elijah. And I so desperately needed to talk about him, to remember him, to grieve him. And I needed someone there with me. I opened up my texts, my fingers flying across my screen as I blinked tears away.

Me: I wish you were here.

                             ————————

Miss me? I don't have a good excuse. I've been dealing with some anxiety which is not completely normal for me but not exactly un-normal either. And it's been fucking with me good. This chapters a little shorter but I just had to get something out there. Maybe it'll kick start me again. On a side note, I shaved half my head. I now have a super cool punk hair cut and so far 90% of people hate it 🤣.  Whatever, it takes me no time to shower, blow dry or style my hair now and that my friends rocks. -DBR