Hearts, Scars & Horseshoes

Chapter 62 - Faith

I had the house to myself, one of the perks to summer vacation. Simon was either working or taking classes at the local college and my parents were both at work.

I had a blue tank top on and a pair of gray sweatpants that were Simon's at one point. The ends bunched around my ankles because they were too long. My mom had left me a list of chores to do. I never complained, it was probably fair considering they gave me money all the time because I didn't have a paying job. We had this unspoken agreement that as long as I helped out, I could stay at the shelter and not have to get an actual job.

I was just about to start on my list but as I headed down the hallway to get the cleaning supplies my mom kept underneath her bathroom sink, I made a detour straight into the black hole that was Elijah's room.

It looked the same.

It always looked the same.

Everything was perfect, not a drawer misaligned or a wrinkle in the bed. If Elijah was alive, it'd never be this clean. I looked over my shoulder, out his open door, directly into mine. How many times had I stood in my room, looking across the hall to his? So many times but not nearly enough. Because now his door was never open and I was slowly forgetting what it had looked like A.

I blew out a breath, shuffling to the immaculately made bed. I wondered if it still smelled like him. Or if someone had washed his sheets and remade the bed as if someone else might one day sleep there.  I climbed on top of the blue comforter, nestling down into the pillows. I buried my nose in the fabric, filling my lungs with the scent of fresh linen, the smallest amount of Simon's Axe body wash lingering.

Elijah used to "borrow" Simon's Axe all the time.

Tears pricked at the back of my eyes, my heart hurting just a little more. I had forgotten about how I caught him dousing himself in Axe one day. He had locked himself in the bathroom and as I passed, the scent nearly knocked me down. When I finally got him to open the door, his cheeks red with embarrassment as he explained that his best friend Emmett had started wearing some to school and that Emmett told him that if he wanted girls to notice him he should do it too. I had braved the overbearing smell of too much Axe and entered the bathroom. Elijah took a shower, I put his clothes in the wash and together we made a plan to replace Simon's nearly empty bottle all while I explained that "less is more" in some cases. Something I had heard my dad tell Simon on more than one occasion.

I hated that all I had were old memories. Memories that were already trying to fade. Bits and pieces becoming muffled with time because I no longer heard his voice everyday or saw him smile. I had to look at photographs, listen to the handful of videos I had saved on my phone. And it wasn't enough. It didn't fill the void that formed when Elijah left.

I wiped at my face, the bed spread stained from the tears that had escaped and rolled down my face.

How could God let such an awful thing happen?  Why was life so cruel?

                              ————————

I stretched my arms over my head, letting out a yawn as I rolled onto my back. My head was hurting and even without opening my eyes I could tell they were red and puffy. I probably should have bolted out of Elijah's room so as to not get caught, or at least the old Faith would have. But the new Faith took her time.

I allowed myself a few minutes, staring at the white ceiling above the bed. You could still see the greasy outline leftover from the glow in the dark stars he once had overhead. Releasing a heavy sigh, I rolled off the bed, straightening the blankets out to hide the evidence that I'd been there. I wasn't sure what was to come of Elijah's room and I knew it was naive to think it'd stay his room forever but I still hoped it would. I hoped that the four walls that made up his room would forever stay the same. Like maybe, just maybe, this all was a really bad dream and he was coming home.

The door clicked shut, my hand still wrapped around the worn gold coated knob as I stepped into the hallway. I still had a list of things to do and I knew I should get started. But my heart was hurting, my mood down and I didn't know how to fix it. God hadn't done anything for me since that night in February. Somewhere along the way I had stopped asking Him too. Maybe you can only pray for the pain to stop so many times with no results before you just lose all faith. I think I had.

Maybe God was like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. Just some made up, magical being to keep kids in line. 

But without my faith, I wasn't sure what to believe in or where to turn when the world got too heavy. Without my faith, I didn't know who Faith Delaney was. Or what she believed in. Who she should become.

I was just another lost and broken soul in a sea of lonely people.

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I've been terrible with updates but I will carry on! I'm gonna force them if I have too. I will not quit!

That was more of a pep talk for me than you.

It's almost Christmas! Who's excited? Me! This girl, right here.