Trigger warning for self harm and suicide.
Josh is a bit blue.
He hasn't seen his boyfriend Tyler for a while.
Josh misses him a lot. He writes letters for Tyler nearly every day.
Josh's parents think there's something wrong with him; they make him see a therapist twice a week.
Josh hates going there. The therapist makes him feel like he's sick, maybe he is. He has to take medicine that does nothing for him, it just makes him tired and irritable.
He especially hates that everyone always asks him about Tyler. Josh wishes they'd stop, he hates to remember. But they won't stop asking until Josh tells them. Josh knows it, but he still won't talk.
He knows it would be too hard to turn what he saw into words. Josh doesn't want to talk about it, because then it would seem more real.
Josh is a bit blue.
He used to be such a happy guy. His siblings miss the old him, and his parents think going to therapy will make him happy again. They're wrong. Nothing will make him happy. He just wants Tyler back.
Josh never used to cry, now he does every day. He hoped it would hurt less as time passed, but the longer he went without Tyler, the worse he got.
It's been two months, and Josh can still remember Tyler's funeral like it was yesterday. He remembers all the tears, the heartache, the pitiful looks everyone gave Josh.
The moment he saw the love of his life laying in the wooden casket, Josh lost it. Tyler was wearing a nice suit, and Josh was glad because he didn't know how he'd react if he saw Tyler's forearms again.
Tyler looked beautiful, even with the color drained from his face and his lips stitched shut. That was the first, and only, time Josh kissed a dead person. Tyler's lips were ice cold; it scared Josh. It made things more real. Tyler was really gone.
Josh is a bit blue.
He sits in his bathroom to write this letter. He can't stop thinking about Tyler. About that day.
It was Tuesday, July 10th. Tyler invited Josh to come over the night before, so there Josh was. Nobody answered when he knocked on the door, but he just thought nobody heard him. The door was unlocked, so Josh let himself in.
Tyler's parents weren't time, they worked during the week. Josh figured Tyler's siblings were out at a friend's house, since the house sounded completely quiet. It was unsettling. Tyler hated silence.
"Tyler?" Josh called out, his voice echoing off the white walls.
No answer.
Josh didn't feel right. He knew something was wrong. He ran up the stairs to Tyler's room, but nobody was there.
"Tyler!?" Josh yelled again, more frantic this time. "Are you here?"
Still nothing.
Josh checked the bathroom next. He turned the knob cautiously, it was unlocked. Josh swung the door open, but heard a thunk as the door was stopped in its tracks.
"Tyler," Josh sighed in relief.
He stepped in the bathroom and looked behind the door, expecting to find his boyfriend with a big grin on his face. He expected a "I got you Josh!" from a laughing Tyler. He was always so happy, nothing ever seemed wrong.
Instead of his happy boyfriend, Josh found Tyler with his eyes rolled back in his head. He was shirtless, revealing the gashes going down each of his forearms. His lips looked blue, there was blood pooling around his lifeless vessel.
Josh went into shock. His eyes were nearly popping out of his head. His body was shaking out of terror; Josh was so scared. He suddenly couldn't breathe. His fingernails scratched at his own chest as he was gasping for air, not able to take his eyes off of Tyler.
In the midst of his panic attack, Josh had fallen onto Tyler and was holding him so tight. Tyler's blood was cold, he must have been there for a while. Josh was screaming, crying, shaking. He wanted Tyler back. He wanted to ask him why the hell he would leave Josh. What happened? Why didn't Josh know Tyler wasn't happy? Why didn't Tyler tell him? How could Tyler leave without saying goodbye? Josh wanted to hear his voice again, he wanted to hear his laugh. He wanted to see the life in those pretty eyes one more time. Josh really wanted to hear Tyler say he loves him one last time.
It took ten minutes for Josh to come to his senses and call 911. He hated himself, he was so angry. If he would've called sooner, maybe they could've saved Tyler. If he was a better boyfriend, maybe he could've saved Tyler.
Josh is a bit blue.
He sits behind his bathroom door, memories of Tyler flooding through his mind. He wants to be with Tyler. He needs to be with Tyler.
Josh opens his forearm like Tyler had done. He leaves his right one unopened, as he needs to write a final letter for Tyler.
"It's been a while
since I last wrote to you.
But don't worry,
I was just a bit blue.
Sorry for the blood on the paper.
I'm not feeling well.
The doctor said to take medicine,
but I doubt it helps.
They keep asking me
about when you died
and it hurts to remember.
I still love you, you know.
I miss you more
than anything.
It's ha r d to fin is h
becau se th er e is blood eve ry where.
I'm co m i ng to s ee yo u.
Pleas e
op e n
th e
d oo r."
