(Song is at the top. You can listen before, during, or after. It doesn't really matter. This chapter is over 3000 words long and also contains graphic descriptions/mentions of suicide. Please don't read if you're going to be harmed. Just listen to the song, it's great! I love you all and be safe.)
Shaking hands slide the small cassette tape addressed to "my forever love" in the walkman. Headphones place over ears that have heard this too many times to count. On nights when he's missed, on nights when he's unable to stop thinking about it. It's been a little over a year now but still feels like it was yesterday.
"Hi," a pause. Tired eyes finally shut after a sleepless night, hearing that sweet voice that could comfort a child having the worst of nightmares. "It's Tyler."
It's Tyler, except it's not. Its his voice, something intangible and unreal, not the boy. Not his soul nor his presence. Not his pretty eyes nor his soft kisses.
"I'm sure you know what this is already. Um... My goodbye, I guess," he sighs, wood creaking as he shifts in a chair.
Josh knows the exact spot he was sitting, he can picture it vividly. Tyler sitting there, with heavy eyes and an even heavier heart. Alone, scared... God dammit, Josh can never make it far without crying. This time is no different.
"I guess I should start by saying I miss you. I miss you and this fucking sucks and I fucking hate myself," Tyler inhales, deep and shaky. "I wish I could've been better. I wish I was there for you more."
It's not your fault! Josh wants to scream, to scratch and claw at his ears until he goes deaf. Nothing else would get him to stop listening to the tape over and over again, no matter how much it hurts him. He deserves to hurt.
"You were my life, really. We spent so much time together and I loved you. Hell, I still do. You were everything to me. Everything. Being with you was the best time of my life, but now I'm all alone," his voice cracks, he pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues.
"I'm alone. God, I'm so alone and you know that's my biggest fear. You know I can't stand this. You know how much it gets to me and yet you're not here. Where are you? Are you with her? Where are you?"
No, he wasn't with her. He was laying on his brother's bed, screaming and crying and lashing out on hismelf. Jordan had to hold him down, Abby and Ashley were downstairs, scared and crying. They didn't know what to do. Their parents were out of town with Tyler's that night.
Josh was drunk, that's all he ever did when Tyler and him broke up. He would drink and drink until he couldn't feel anything anymore. That night their song came on the radio and Josh couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm tired of sleeping alone. I'm tired of waking up and remembering you're not mine anymore. I hate knowing that I'm going to be alone forever. I trusted you. Fuck, I trusted you!" Tyler starts crying, Josh only sobs harder.
Tyler trusted him. Josh was supposed to protect him. He promised. He promised to treat him right. He promised not to be like Brendon or Dallon. He promised. And he lied.
