trigger warning for themes of depression & suicide. it ends happy, promise :)
the ocean breeze is cold as it whips around tyler. he shivers, pulling his legs into his chest a bit tighter. he has pants and a sweatshirt on, but he's using his coat to sit on the ground so sand doesn't stick to his clothes. his sandals are full of it, coating his feet, and he can't figure out if it's damp or just cold.
headphones are placed snug over his ears, a melancholic melody spilling into his soul. it's dark, nearly two in the morning to be exact. the only light spilling onto the beach is merely a dim glow from nearby houses. the ocean waves are barely audible over the music roaring in his ears. they're also just barely visible, only distinguishable from the white foam that forms as they crash in on themselves. much like what tyler is doing at the moment.
he had been trying to sleep for over two hours. the rest of his family shut themselves in their rooms long ago, exhausted from having spent the day in the sun.
tyler is tired too, but in a very different way. he's tired from just existing, much like any other day. you'd think that would make it easy for him to fall asleep, but no. somehow, it's the opposite. somehow, when he lays in bed at night, his brain gives him a million reasons to stay awake.
he had an objectively good day today—spending it in the sunshine with his loving family—but he still couldn't shake the nagging, dark thoughts whispering from the deep crevices of his brain. the entire day was spent trying to ignore the waging war inside his head and putting on a smile to joke with his siblings. when he was finally alone and his head hit the pillow, the whispering voice demanded his attention.
things will never get better.
i can't do anything right.
i'm worthless.
i'll never be happy.
nobody understands.
the world would be better without me in it.
he felt guilty for even having those thoughts. what was wrong with him? nothing bad even happened today. he ruins everything.
he needed to go for a walk or get some fresh air before he drove himself crazy, which puts him in his current position. a strong gust of frigid air pulls him from his thoughts, goosebumps spreading over his clothed skin. his hands are cold as ice, gripping his legs tightly.
the music helps to drown out his thoughts for a bit, but not entirely. peace never lasts long for him. the beach is completely empty. as far as he can see, there's not another single soul out there suffering like he currently is.
looking out at the sea, it's impossible to distinguish between the night sky and the dark water. instead, tyler just sees a dark black vastness. he imagines himself floating out there, into the emptiness, his darkness melding with the night that surrounds him.
he imagines the imperceptible skyline as a hole and can even feel himself start to fall into it. his heart starts racing at the thought, so he quickly grounds himself by diverting his attention back to the sand. he'd rather not have a panic attack right now.
not like there'd be anybody around to witness it. in fact, there's nobody around to witness anything right now. nobody would notice if tyler got mugged or murdered right now. he could probably scream and nobody would even come running.
nobody would see if he just happened to walk into the ocean and let the waves pull him into the black abyss.
he's alone. just like he always is.
